CelebNewsWire» Joan Jett Archives – CelebNewsWire

Where the Hell Is Lita?

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 17:19:17 +0000

Here is Twilight star Kristen Stewart on the set of the Runaways movie. She is portraying Joan Jett and from the looks of it, she's doing a fairly bang-up job. She's got the Joan shag down pretty good. She's got the Joan hunch going on. She's even smoking Tareytons (correction: Tarlingtons? WTF?), something we could see Joan Jett smoking in 1976. Every detail is in place. Every detail except one glaringly obvious one. That's right! You guessed it! We're talking about the exact brand of cotton/poly blend socks Jett wore in the '70s.*

* And by that we mean "the pussy-eating". Did you think we meant "the pussy-eating"? Because we totally did.

Now with more bonus fall-down-go-boomage.

CNW Junk Drawer: Dunst You Wanna Stalk Me?

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 18:09:26 +0000

ï Kirsten Dunst has a stalker. Is it an orthodontist looking for work? Zing-a-zing-zonggg!!!! (The Superficial)

ï Elisha Cuthbert's hockey dude ex calls her "sloppy seconds". Do sloppy seconds bounce on ice? (Yeeeah!)

ï Jessica Alba's boobs like calamari! Wait, we mean Campari. (F-listed)

ï Helen Mirren goes snorkeling in a tankini. It's your move, Dame Judi. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Twilight vampire Ashley Greene just about gives you something to suck on (hint: A TIT!!!!!). (Thighs Wide Shut)

ï Eva Longoria is a smoker on the DL. Bet you anything those are Benson & Hedges 110s. (Celebitchy)

ï So Kate Moss and her unfrozen caveman boyfriend WEREN'T attacked by rogue Christmas ornaments after all. Cocaine is a hell of a drug. (The Superficial)

ï Lindsay Lohan got kicked off Facebook. That's what YOU get for not playing your Word Twist move, bitch. (Holy Moly)

ï Scout (dun DUN dun DUN) you'll be a woooomaaaaaann SOON. (Daily Stab)

ï Kristen Stewart will play Joan Jett in the new Runaways biopic. Will she be licking some ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bombs? (Anything Hollywood)

Carmen Electra and Joan Jett Just Friends Who Like to Kiss and Stuff

Agent E. — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 17:59:17 +0000

Since you've been wondering (and hoping and fantasizing and other disgusting things that we cannot mention on a respectable website), Carmen Electra and Joan Jett are not sharing their fuzzy muffins. Carmen's rep said so: "They are just friends." OK, we believe you Mr. or Ms. Electra publicist or agent or whosit. They just like to watch ~~women's~~ womyn's golf together and braid each other's hair and make mint double choco-chip mocha milkshakes and share oatmeal honey facials. Just like Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

Enable your Carmen and Joan fantasies by gazing upon Carmen all naked at MrSkin.com.

CNW Junk Drawer: "I Am In the Process of Putting on Weight, and That Should Be Enough"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 15 Nov 2006 17:29:20 +0000

ï Oprah was not invited to Tom and K-Hole's wedding, but she is trying to figure out what to send them as a gift. Duh! A couch.

ï Bigger news than Santa arriving at the lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree: Victoria's Secret supermodels getting on their boob-shaped spacecraft and arriving on Earth after their long journey from Planet Jiggle.

ï Madonna wants to buy another baby as soon as possible. Perhaps it will be a Christmas gift for the other one.

ï Sure, Vida Guerra has a gargantuan tail. But did you know that she has boobs, too?

ï Nicole Richie has responded to PageSix's insinuation that SOMEONE had reverse gastric bypass in her MySpace blog. The lady doth protest too much.

ï Is Kirsten Dunst sinking her vampiric meth mouth baby teeth into rodentlike eunuch Orlando Bloom? And will their hypothetical babies be weaselly nutless bloodsuckers?

ï Paris Hilton's ass looks less flapjacky from the back. But don't they all, really? When it comes right down to it, aren't they all less flapjacky from the back? Deep.

ï Jenny Love Hewitt might be all chaste and crap, but she will still wear a small strip of fabric nestled lovingly betwixt her buttocks.

ï Lesbian Week continues: Joan Jett and Carmen Electra love rock n' roll. Joan mighta put another dime in Carmen's juicebox, baby.

ï No, as a matter of fact, we haven't actually seen Ron Jeremy and Super Mario in the same room together. Luigi, though, sure.

CNW Junk Drawer: Supermodels Having Sex. Or Not.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 17 May 2006 17:24:41 +0000

ï FemaleFirst reports that Nicole Kidman used "the F-word". Oh, but they meant "fiancÈ!" Awwwww, ha ha ha ha, that was so clever! You really had us going there, FemaleFirst!

ï Debra Wilson from Mad TV shows off her comedic chops. And by "comedic chops" we mean "tits".

ï Barbra Streisand gets on the guest list at your local Loews.

ï Carmen Electra hates herself for lovin' Joan Jett. Can't break free from the things that she . . . doan . . . dett? Eh, we suck.

ï Janice Dickinson: genius of our time.

ï Elle MacPherson loves to have loads and loads of casual sex. Just not with you. You fat loser.

ï Light-filled goddess from heaven Mandy Moore denies cherry-poppage at the hands and wang of Fez. Wouldn't you?

ï Is J. Lo preg. o?

ï Speaking of cherries, The Virgin Adriana Lima is a punchy little firecracker. We got a little something that would chill her right out. Yeeeeah, that's right. A little somethin' in our pants, if you dig what we're saying. It's a packet of chamomile tea and a fizzy bath bomb in our pocket. They're great for de-stressing!