ï Holly Madison will be replacing an injured Jewel on Dancing with the Stars. Because to find someone to fill Jewel's shoes, they needed someone with similarly large chugs. (Daily Stab)

ï So maybe Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green aren't really broken up after all. Because, apparently, she's "addicted" to his ding dong. Here, have a bucket for that retching. There ya go. (Yeeeah!)

ï Ashlee Simpson brings Bronx Mowgli out into the urban jungle. Hahahaha, get it? (CelebWarship)

ï Miley Cyrus admits she underwent harrowing bullying at school. Then she came home and jumped in her swimming pool full of mink stoles and had the Hope Diamond for dinner. (Wesbster's Is My Bitch)

ï Kanye West's new beard girlfriend, Amber Rose, is frankly quite hot. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï James Franco got a book deal. Okay. (Celebitchy)

ï Hollywood dudes who wear too much makeup. Hahahaha! Look at you! Nice mascara, pansy! Bwahahaha! (Bitten and Bound)

ï Phil Collins has retired from music to collect artifacts from the Alamo. Because he can. (Holy Moly)

The singer and her longtime boyfriend, rodeo champion Ty Murray, eloped to the Bahamas and exchanged vows in a private ceremony Thursday night, her rep tells PEOPLE exclusively.

ìShe wore a traditional wedding gown, while Ty wore his favorite blue jeans, white shirt and cowboy hat,î says Jewelís rep. ìThe couple is very happy and look forward to enjoying their honeymoon.î

We could not find words to adequately express our joy for the union of Jewel and Ty, so instead, we'll let Jewel do the talking. Here is a poem of hers that we think really captures the occasion.

Vincent Said

Vincent said she was like screwing a corpse,
but a 16-year-old corpse with young tits,
so it wasn't bad. She left the door open
while he pretended to be asleep
and did the walk o' shame
through the hotel lobby.

I know his girlfriend, Phyllis,
but I won't tell her.
It's not for me to judge
or to discriminate just because
she does
and he won't.

Jewel, sexy Jewel, is at MrSkin.com.

Sun Bathing

I read a book
and the man thinks
I can not see
the wrinkled posture
of his son
as he is nudged.
He thinks
I can not see
four eyes
upon my flesh
as the father tries
to bond with
his teenage boy
by ogling my breasts.

Jewel is juicy and jiggly at MrSkin.com.

ï Tyra Banks recreates her iconic swimsuit issue cover shot. Too bad her face looks like she's dropping a log in her bikini bottoms.

ï Gretchen Carlson finally lends credibility to FOX News with a liberal view of her panty-clad crotchial area. Did you catch that? Liberal! Haw haw?

ï Brody Jenner is pissed that Details insinuated he was using Nicole Richie, but says it's all good because he has "broad shoulders". Wait, what?

ï Watch in rapturous wonder as Jewel nearly drops a forkful of food down her cavernous chest chasm.

ï Anna Nicole's death is a lot like her life: with a bunch of creepy men all fighting over her body.

ï Speaking of Anna Nicole, her small, purple-haired, Broom Hilda lookalike tuff gal former assistant Kimmie speaks out, accusing Howard K. Stern of being an asshole!

ï Or not.

ï Michelle Rodriguez "never killed a pot head".

ï Naomi Watts is likely preggo via Liev Schreiber, who ejaculated semen into her vagina.