Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler had a date at Soho House Tuesday night, with friends including her hair stylist pal, Ken Paves, as chaperones. “They were at a table with friends, but Jessica and Gerard, who sat next to each other, seemed to only be interested in each other and chatted for hours,” a spy told Page Six. “They were laughing and flirting and eventually left together, along with Ken.”

Dating Jessica Simpson sounds a lot like courting a Mormon or a Greek man with a large family, but instead of a father or a passel of chatty cousins, you’re accompanied by her pet gay, who silently judges your suitability as a mate from under his frosted mane.

A dingo did not take her baby, but a coyote did steal her lesbian malti-poo. Alas, poor Jessica Simpson. It’s bad enough she got unceremoniously dumped by Tony Romo. Now her dog Daisy has become Snausages to a desert cur. Last night Jessica took to Twitter and let us all know that

My heart is broken because a coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!

And she included the helpful flier to the left, which is a really good idea, because we’re certain once the coyote gets back to his den and logs into Twitter, he’ll see just how bad he screwed up, remove the be-curled moppet from his jaws, and return her to Jessica for a tidy reward.

Follow us on Twitter while you’re at it.

10. Lindsay Lohan
Yes, this looks like crap, but she’ll let it go back to normal someday. Hopefully. Lindsay’s flirted with fillers before. She’s also flirted with a parking meter before, but cocaine’s a hell of a drug, you know?

9. Jessica Simpson
Jessica had a brief dalliance with Restylane in 2006, but later said, “It looked fake to me. I didn’t like that. It went away in, like, four months. My lips are back to what they were. Thank God!” Too bad she can’t say the same of her career. Oooh, burnnnn.

8. Brittany Murphy
Like Lilo and J-Simp before her, Brittany let her mouth go back to its natural proportions. But in early 2006, the only people who had comparably overhanging upper lips were the Simpsons.

7. Lara Flynn Boyle
That’s awesome that her last name is Boyle because those thingies look two festering boils just begging for you to lance them and release their pustulous bounty.

6. Melanie Griffith
It’s no secret that Revlon chose her as a spokesmodel because when it comes to selling lipstick, you can’t beat a huge canvas upon which to paint. That’s just, like, advertising 101.

5. Meg Ryan
She was America’s sweetheart. Now she’s America’s grouper. Not a bad deal.

4. Donatella Versace
Time has not been kind to Janice from the Muppets. Life on the road with the Electric Mayhem is a hard life. After Dr. Teeth succumbed to a meth habit and Zoot joined the Children of God cult, it was all downhill.

3. Nikki Cox
Yeah, we don’t even know what the hell is going on here.

2. Priscilla Presley
Perhaps she missed her late husband so much that she wanted her mouth to forever imitate his signature lip curl.

1. Lisa Rinna
Excuse me ma’am but there is a prolapsed butthole on your face. Let me get that for you.

We’ll be doing more lists soon, so subscribe to our RSS feed!

Robert Pattinson is as creepy as his fictional blood-lusting counterpart; sends Kristen Stewart 400 texts a month. (Celebitchy)

• Ashley Olsen in her underwear. Hey, don’t look at us. You were the one with the Olsen Twins Countdown to Legality calendar on your computer for years, nerd. (Cityrag)

• Getting down to the wire here! Mr Skin’s Top 100 Celebrity Nude Scenes: numbers 20 through 11. (Mr Skin)

• Cindy Crawford in a bikini. You liked it in 1992, and you’ll like it just as much in 2009. She must be drinking out of Brangelina’s sex grotto. (The Blemish)

• Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore almost crashed on a plane; live to Twitter again. (Anything Hollywood)

• Tiger Woods cut the cheese!!! (Gone Hollywood)

• Jessica Simpson enjoys a quaff or twelve at her hairdo dude’s birthday party. (Amy Grindhouse)

• 5 Movies John Hughes will be remembered fer. (Jezebel)

• Milla Jovovich collects knives. How Angelina 1998. (Daily Stab)

So far, Simpson has been coping with the split by living a low-key life and seeking solace with her parents, who "encourage her to go out and have a good time, like she did this week," says the Simpson family friend.

But when she's out in public, "she feels she's being judged by the world and opts to hide out at home," says the friend. "The family feels bad for Jessica. They worry for her a lot."

That wasn't always the case. "The family used to have such faith in [Jessica] and they worried about Ashlee," says the family friend. "Now they are fully confident in Ashlee's choices and they worry most of their days about Jessica. It seems she just can't catch a break."

Has it really come to this? Is Jessica Simpson's life so sad and pathetic that her whole family wishes she were more like Ashlee? Ashlee? Seriously? Shouldn't they maybe look outside of the family for a role model? Like, "Jessica, why can't you be more like Jennifer Garner? She seems happy"? Not, "Why can't you be more like your sister? She was smart enough to poke holes in all of Little Petey Wentz's condoms so he couldn't leave her. That's how you keep a man, dear."

JOHN Mayer could be the most narcissistic celebrity ever. An insider said, "Several years ago when he was dating Jessica Simpson, he couldn't go to her birthday party because he was on tour. So the night of her birthday she had dinner with [hairdresser] Ken Paves and a few friends. Everyone thought John would forget her birthday, but then a gift arrived from him — it was a DVD of him in concert. Jessica spent the rest of the night watching the DVD on a loop, 'being with him.' It was so sad." A rep for Mayer declined to comment.

But there's good news. (At least for you. Not so much for Jess. She's pretty much screwed.) You don't need to let John Mayer plunder your most intimate areas to have such a beautiful gift bestowed upon you. Your friends at CelebNewsWire have compiled a beautiful array of photos depicting John Mayer's guitar face for your amusement. You'll really enjoy "being with him."

Flying into Los Angeles on Thursday, Romo quickly made up for lost time with Simpson but their reunion quickly took a turn for the worse. ìThey were hanging out and he picked up her phone and she got defensive about it,î the source revealed. ìTony found messages from John and went ballistic.î

While the couple has had their fair share of rocky patches during their relationship, the idea of Simpson possibly cheating with Mayer was the straw that broke the camelís back: ìTony dumped her right then. He walked out and that was it.î

Ladies of Hollywood, what the fuck is it about John Mayer that is so irresistible? He admitted that he wears the same pair of jeans for like two months at a time. He looks like this on stage:

Do you like the plight of Jennifer Aniston but find it hard to relate to her advanced age? Do you like her perpetual sadness and desperation but wish she were like ten years younger so she could speak directly to your generation? Well, then Jessica Simpson is the girl for you! High-profile failed marriage? Check? Desperation manifested in pathetic, misguided relationship with John Mayer? Check. A hot rack that makes us forget that she's patently unloveable? Uh, yeah, that one's pretty much a given. But just when it looked like Jessica might have found a dude who didn't find her to be needier than a mewling newborn kitten, she got dumped again. Awwwww. Poor Jessie. Says People:

Tony Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson on Thursday, the night before her 29th birthday, a source close to the pop star tells PEOPLE.

"She is heartbroken," says the source. "She loves Tony. But it's been difficult lately. He's busy with his career and she's getting ready to shoot her show (The Price of Beauty). They decided to part ways."

The night before her birthday? Man. That's cold. That's like "Go cry to your bald mom" cold, only because it's Jessica Simpson and not Denise Richards, it's not funny.

But fear not. Jessica will live on. And for now she's doing what any just-dumped girl would do: fellating a chocolate bar.

• Katy Perry nude with some pizza. Extra cheesy! (ONTD)
• One of the Real Housewives of New Jersey (Danielle Staub) has a sex tape. We’re shocked that “NJ housewife sex tape” is a thrilling story. What a world! What a world we live in. (Yeeeah!)
• If you are a bartender and you do not serve a very drunk Jonathan Rhys Meyers, then he is the manager of the Black Eyed Peas and you are Perez Hilton. Only maybe without the weepy YouTube pleas. (The Blemish)
• Lindsay Lohan tried 2 dance with Justin Timberlake and he was like O HELL NO and then she totally got mad and 2 get back @ him she Tweeted he was cheating on Jessica Biel & then she wuz hacked but she wasn’t OMFG! (CelebWarship)
• Stills from Tim Burton’s upcoming Alice in Wonderland movie. It’s not half as creepy as the ’80s TV version with Carol Channing and Ann Jillian. Still gives me the heebies. (Amy Grindhouse)
• Hilary Duff is kind of useless and probably a total choadball, but whatever, she looks hot in a bikini. (Anything Hollywood)
• Jessica Simpson has a new reality show. To quote Nancy Kerrigan, “WHHHHYYYYYYYY?” (Websters)
• Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson have been made into dolls. Dolls that are much more charismatic than their Twilight counterparts. (Daily Stab)
• Here is Denise Richards in a bikini on the beach with a giant parrot. Um, that’s about it. (Drunken Stepfather)