CelebNewsWire» Jessica Alba Archives – CelebNewsWire

Jessica Alba’s Been a Very Bad Girl

Agent E. — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 17:35:04 +0000

Last week, when you were doing your routine Google searches (bunnies humping, Dakota Fanning nude, and the like) you came up empty handed when you searched for “Jessica Alba getting spanked.” But knowing that each day offers new possibilities, you entered that same phrase again this week, and guess what? You got pictures and video of Jessica Alba getting spanked. This is what your mom meant when she told you that if you’re just persistent and stick to your goals the universe will deliver whatever you want. This particular manna was delivered via a trailer for the Michael Winterbottom movie The Killer Inside Me. The full trailer is really, really long and mostly shows Casey Affleck proving that he’s way more badass that his prettyboy brother. Casey gets it on with both Alba and Kate Hudson. But whether or not Casey spanks Kate’s naked ass with his belt isn’t revealed. There is sad news, though. We’re pretty sure that’s not actually Jessica Alba’s nude ass. She’s about as prudey as they come, so for all we know that ass belongs to a body double with a prosthetic butt covered in a body stocking and a couple cases of Cover Girl Simply Ageless foundation.

Jessica Alba's Bikini Reminds Us That We Miss Her

Agent E. — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 18:03:09 +0000

The thing about babies, see, is that the aftermath can go either way. Either a celeb is so eager to lose the baby weight that they pass the thing off to a nanny and spend two months straight in the gym then celebrate with a People cover in a bikini, or they actually spend time with their kid, lose the weight at a natural pace, and cover themselves in dumpy clothes for a year or two. It appeared that Jessica Alba was going to fall into the first camp, having shed the baby weight and showed off in a bikini a few months after her daughter was born last year, but then there was nothing. But here we finally have Jessica Alba in a bikini again. And what’s that? Is that husband Cash Warren, a.k.a. Lucky Dude Who Must Be Hung Like an Elephant, trying to grab a piece of that meaty ass? Yes. Yes it is. We guess that’s the payoff he gets for having to haul the name Cash around with him his entire life. Pretty good exchange really.

Jessica Alba Is Still Punker Than You

Agent E. — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 17:11:25 +0000

Avril Lavigne is going to be pissed, because Jessica Alba is fast proving that she's the punkest princess in all the land. We know, we weren't expecting it either, but the other day we heard about her dumpster-diving hobby, and today she's all up in the news for toting around a bucket full of wheat paste and slapping some posters all over Oklahoma City. But to our disappointment, she wasn't pasting up fliers for a fictional 1984 show featuring Crass and Agnostic Front but pictures of pretty sea creatures. We're not quite sure what pasting pictures of sharks (with no words, mind you) over United Way billboards in OK City is going to teach the world, but we respect Alba's urge to fight the man (you know, the man who raises money for children and the like). What we don't respect is Alba being a chump. After the police started looking into the incident (which wasn't hard, as Jessica had photographed herself pasting up the posters and then put the pics on the damn internet), Alba apologized, saying:

I got involved in something I should have had no part of. I realize that I should have used better judgment and I regret not thinking things through before I made a spontaneous and ill-advised decision to let myself get involved with the people behind this campaign.

This apology is sort of stomping on our wishes, but we're really hoping it was a minor misstep and Jess will heave herself fully into the punk scene. The next time we open Us Weekly, we hope to see her spare changing outside of Starbucks, reading the latest issue of Maximumrocknroll, all X'd up, a Man Is the Bastard patch safety pinned to the ass flap of her cargo pants.

Jessica Alba Is a Dumpster Diver

Agent E. — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 18:05:16 +0000

When you were in college and you had long since blown all of your student loan money on really essential things like hair dye and new piercings, you probably went scouring through the dumpster behind Kroger looking for stale bread and leaky bottles of jam. And it was cool. Because it showed the world how punk you were. "I don't need money to survive, man. I'll just live off the waste of the ruling class." Then you went to philosophy class and discussed Nietzsche. But you never knew that one day glamorous actresses would be taking up dumpster diving. But that Jessica Alba, she won't conform to your preconceived notions of what a glamorous actress should do. If she wants to root through her neighbors' trash, she's gonna do it. Someone blabbed to The Enquirer:

Jessica is into doing creative projects, and she gets a lot of material from the junk her wealthy neighbours throw out. She doesn't hide them, she's proud of her work and reasons that it's foolish to spend thousands of dollars at an expensive store when you can sometimes score just as nice things in the trash. She uses a lot of things she has redone in her own home, but she also gifts them to her friends.

What do you think Jessica does after she drops off trash to her friends? Invites them to cook up some vegan sloppy joes from the Soy Not Oi cookbook and head down to the park for a Food Not Bombs gathering?

CNW Junk Drawer: Extra Special "All Sexy Ladies" Edition

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:05:25 +0000

Jessica Alba ass, all wrapped up with a bow. (IDLYITW)
Lady Gaga has tape on her nipples, so they won’t poke-her-face. ZING! (Jezebel)
Cheerleader coach Carlie Becker, who was shitcanned for posing for Playboy. Rah rah, sis boob bah. (Bitten and Bound)
Jordana Brewster in Maxim. You’ll masturbate fast and/or furiously. (Gone Hollywood)
Evan Rachel Wood plus lingerie plus sexy plus gun minus Manson equals GQ spread. (ICYDK)
Alessandra Ambrosio poses for Homem Vogue and she’s pretty much naked. A G-string, after all, is just a few woven threads away from bunghole. (The Daily Fix)

Crackalack, Alba's Back

Agent E. — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 16:45:37 +0000

Put aside the fact that universal object of desire Jessica Alba makes your nads go all tingly, and riddle me this: Why would any sane person place a pretty, frilly bow (in pretty-much-permanent ink, no less) directly above their ass crack? On special occasions does Jessica bust out the really shiny wrapping paper and encase her sweet, juicy, coveted ass in it as an enticement to Cash? If you pinch the bow, do little turdlets fall out of her tush? Is she telling us that her ass is a very special present that she gives to the world? Because that last one is pretty much true. Oh, and in case you don't take this picture at ass value, looky here, Jessica's face.

CNW Junk Drawer: It's Like Trying to Catch a Falling Star

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 17:29:24 +0000

ï J. Lo may sign on to star in The Heights. Which is a Broadway play, and unfortunately not the 1990s FOX series featuring the hit song "How Do You Talk to an Angel?". (Fatback)

ï He always fills his ballroom. The event is never small. The social pages say Ricky Gervais has got the biggest balls of all. (Female First)

ï Rihanna in a bikini for GQ Mexico. Ole. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Those pesky Mickey Rourke doing it with Evan Rachel Wood rumors rear their ugly (but not as ugly as meatball-faced Mickey) heads again. (CelebWarship)

ï Any opportunity to ogle Jessica Biel's buoyant ass in a bikini is a cause for celebration. Hosannas all around!(The Blemish)

ï Britney Spears's brutal abs will grab you, slap you around, and stuff you in a locker. (Hollywood Tuna)

ï Ginger Spice is engaged to a guy she's known for a few weeks. Nice one. (Anything Hollywood)

ï The Lingerie Bowl was canceled. Great. Now what are we going to do with these 35 pounds of wings. (Mr Skin)

ï The sexiest celebrity lips. (Manofest)

ï In the epic battle of Jessica Alba vs. Bill O'Reilly, only one can emerge the victor. (Daily Stab)

CNW Junk Drawer: Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:39:09 +0000

ï Mischa Barton, beach, bikini, weed, hipster halo. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Lisa Bonet named her newborn son Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. It's the thing to say on a bright Hawaiian Christmas day. (Dlisted)

ï People's Choice Awards winners. Though you already know them because they're YOUR CHOICE. (CelebWarship)

ï 16-year-old Miley Cyrus wants a tattoo of her boyfriend's initials. No, no, Miley. Not until you get your zodiac sign and the kanji symbol for "strength". (Yeeeah!)

ï Anne Hathaway reveals what got her through the hard times. Anal sex! Wait, no. (Daily Stab)

ï Why don't you go look at ladies wearing football jerseys? It's not as if you have anything better to do, you lazy sack of puke. (Holy Taco)

ï Uppity Jessica Alba lost the sour for New Year's Eve, thanks in part to her buddy Booze. (Cityrag)

ï Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson split rumor #56b. (The Blemish)

CNW Junk Drawer: Dunst You Wanna Stalk Me?

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 18:09:26 +0000

ï Kirsten Dunst has a stalker. Is it an orthodontist looking for work? Zing-a-zing-zonggg!!!! (The Superficial)

ï Elisha Cuthbert's hockey dude ex calls her "sloppy seconds". Do sloppy seconds bounce on ice? (Yeeeah!)

ï Jessica Alba's boobs like calamari! Wait, we mean Campari. (F-listed)

ï Helen Mirren goes snorkeling in a tankini. It's your move, Dame Judi. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Twilight vampire Ashley Greene just about gives you something to suck on (hint: A TIT!!!!!). (Thighs Wide Shut)

ï Eva Longoria is a smoker on the DL. Bet you anything those are Benson & Hedges 110s. (Celebitchy)

ï So Kate Moss and her unfrozen caveman boyfriend WEREN'T attacked by rogue Christmas ornaments after all. Cocaine is a hell of a drug. (The Superficial)

ï Lindsay Lohan got kicked off Facebook. That's what YOU get for not playing your Word Twist move, bitch. (Holy Moly)

ï Scout (dun DUN dun DUN) you'll be a woooomaaaaaann SOON. (Daily Stab)

ï Kristen Stewart will play Joan Jett in the new Runaways biopic. Will she be licking some ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bombs? (Anything Hollywood)

WOW! We Almost Didn't Recognize Jessica Alba with Those Objectionably Baggy Tights

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 18:22:02 +0000

Look out, Charlize Theron in Monster! Jessica Alba is hot on the heels of your cinematic fuglitude! The facially gifted star has been photographed on the set of her upcoming movie, An Invisible Sign of My Own, in which she plays a dowdy math teacher obsessed with numbers. You can tell Alba's character means business because, naturally, only ugly women can be smart. Let's take a moment to commend the highers-up on this film for their daring bravery in allowing Jessica Alba to ugly up for this serious role. Just look at those pigtails! Her hair only has 76% of the shine it usually does. And instead of pouty gloss, her lips are coated in a demure soft rose shimmer as to magically transform them from voluptuously kissable to slightly just-bitten and vaguely pouty. The pencil in the mouth, well, that does suggest phalluses and oral, but it's a pencil! That's so nerdy! And the clashing prints! Oh, only an intelligent, unattractive person would dare to "go there"! We haven't seen a transformation this stunning since fat Jared Leto with gout.

Pics and vids of Jessica Alba almost nude are at MrSkin.com.