I was the guy that dabbled in soya milk, but now I’ve found out soya milk has enough estrogen for me to grow breasts, I had to put the soya milk down. It was a very confusing time.

Oooh, soy milk is so magical. Why, we once heard that this dude drank so much of it that once when he was peeing his penis just fell right off into the toilet. And those fancy Swiss sex-change operations? All a hoax. There’s no surgery. Men just go to soy clinics where they eat nothing but edamame and tofu all day and within weeks they grow fully functioning vaginas. That “pregnant man” that was all the rage with the Oprah set a while back? That wasn’t a woman who became a man; that was a dude who drank too much soy milk.

“So, what are you here to promote, your Broadway play?”

Piven, who famously dropped out of “Speed the Plow” in December, is in a legal battle with producers who believe the actor fabricated his illness in order to get out of completing his contract, and was none too happy to be reminded of the incident.

The actor sniped back irritably, “Well, what are you here to promote? Mango?”
Says an insider, “After some back and forth, Jeremy said something really personal to Chris that basically attacked his career. He said ‘Whoa, man  -  I thought we were just fooling around here.’”

Our source adds, “Jeremy slammed the green room door right in Chris’ face, and about 20 people in the hallway outside could hear him yelling obscenities. He was furious.

“Chris felt really badly about the whole thing, so about 15 minutes later he tried to approach Jeremy again to apologize, to tell him he was just kidding and that he didn’t mean to offend in any way. But Jeremy wasn’t having it at all. He slammed the door in Chris’ face AGAIN.”

What happened between those two door slammings? Did Piven emerge, shriek “You’re just so mean,” then run back to his dressing room to reapply his mascara?

ï Mickey Rourke takes his new face out to ogle some gay stripper's grape-smugglers. (Yeeeah!)

ï Keanu Reeves is seeing China Chow. You're also seeing China Chow. Seeing her topless, that is. In related news, China Chow is not kibble for Chinese people that comes in a 15 lb bag. Who knew? (Taxi Driver)

ï Jennifer Lopez and Unfrozen Caveman Husband take their spawn out for some fresh air. (Faded Youth)

ï Forget danceoffs; Mel B is getting her revenge on Eddie Murphy with an album called Beverly Hills Cock. That sounds nice. (Daily Stab)

ï The many toups of Jeremy Piven. (Cityrag)

ï Nicole Richie gets her Mrs. Roper on. (Seriously OMG WTF?!)

ï Gisele Bundchen speaks highly of beau Tom Brady; says he "doesn't have a bad bone in his body." That's right, because his bad bone is in YOUR body. Swish! (CelebWarship)

ï Boil some water and get some clean sheets–Britney's on her way to Lousiana to be there for Jamie-Lynn's birthin'! Wait a minute, we're talking about Spearses. Boil some Diet Mountain Dew and get some dirty sheets! (The Hollywood Gossip)

ï Puffy Dangle Doobie Diddle waxes his nutbag. It is imperative that we know this. (The Blemish)

ï Kate Moss dons a tasteful, maternal see-through dress to take her daughter for a stroll. (Flisted)

ï Anne Hathaway is all, "there once was a man from Nantucket." (WENN)

. . . the Entourage star had a similar showdown with a hostess at the restaurant off Vine in Hollywood. Piven, who did not have a reservation, was reportedly unhappy a table could not be found because the restaurant was booked solid on Valentine's Day.

"Believe it or not, he used the 'Don't you know who I am?' line," laughs the source.

"He proceeded to berate [the hostess] about her treatment of him." Piven allegedly left in a huff, "but not before slamming her about her working in a restaurant," says the spy.

On Sunday, they recounted a more recent story involving Mr. Piven getting a hurty vagina at a Nobu offshoot restaurant, from which he is now banned:

"[Piven] was asked never to return to Matsuhisa in Aspen by a manager. He came in with a large group of 12 or more without reservations and asked for a table. It was a very busy night, but a table, although cramped, was provided. On his way out, he made a nasty comment to the manager: 'Thanks for nothing.' He left a DVD of the first year of 'Entourage' to one of the waiters. [An employee] ran up the stairs and hurled it at him as he was leaving."

Does Piven carry his entire filmography on his person, doling out DVD copies all around in lieu of tips? If so, the Matsuhisa waiter should take the gift of Entourage season one as the highest of compliments. That's like a solid 30% tip. Had the water glasses lingered half empty for a few moments longer, Piven would have peevishly left a copy of Very Bad Things, and were the plates not cleared in a timely fashion, it would have been an angry double bill of Chasing Liberty and Serendipity.

Piven gets pervy at MaleStars.com!

Then we heard the party was being thrown by Jeremy Piven, and it all came together.

Far be it from us to complain about a comely young starlet taking a shine to wearing nothing but bikinis, but come on, Lindsay, what's with packing nothing but unflatteringly flesh-toned swimwear for Piven's birthday?


Didn't your grandma ever tell you the story about the cow and the free milk? Didn't she tell you to cover up a little, to put on a pretty dress, to look like a lady? Oh, guess she did:

Unfortunately, it's from the Fashion Bug nightgown line, and its sheerness does nothing but entice Piven to sneak a peek down Lindsay's gigantic cleavage chasm. A for effort, though.

Firecrotch! At MrSkin.com.

Piven your man? Hug it out at MaleStars.com.

Piven: "Yo, what are you doing? You know you don't need to cut the line!"
Dorff: "I can do what I want!"
Piven: "No, you can't!"
Dorff: "Yes, I can!"
Piven: "You're a has-been!"
Dorff: "At least I am a movie star – you're only on TV! Cable TV!"

We'd like to offer ourselves up as a neutral third party to look objectively at both men's careers and determine the victor.

Piven
Plusses: Is a midwesterner. Was in Lucas, Grosse Pointe Blank, Black Hawk Down, and Old School. Entourage is insanely popular. Actually had malaria once, which is pretty bad ass.
Minuses: Recently fired by his rep for being an obnoxious tool. Was in Car 54, Where Are You?, Very Bad Things, Serendipity, and Chasing Liberty. Nicknamed "The Pivert" (might actually be a plus). Uttered the much-maligned line "Don't be THAT GUY" in PCU, inspiring generations of frat boy morons to adopt the phrase and spew it, often and with zeal.

Dorff
Plusses: Porked Pam Anderson. Started his career on Diff'rent Strokes and was featured in I Know My First Name is Steven, a.k.a. The Greatest TV Mini-series Ever. Played the dead Beatle. Was in a John Waters movie.
Minuses: Listen, he starred as the oldest son in a syndicated television sitcom that was centered around a zany, wisecracking ventriloquist's dummy named Buzz that offered advice–and racy barbs–to a New Jersey family. Fuck it–we're just gonna go ahead and award the victory to Piven.

Judge for yourself: Stephen Dorff is at MaleStars.com.

And Piven is there too, for certain.

Yesterday, Lohan got called out by the gods, getting into her third car accident in the past year. Driving like Zsa Zsa Gabor after a couple two tree morning highballs, Lindsay smashed her black Benz convertible into a red van on Robertson Ave. in Beverly Hills, sending the van's driver to the hospital. Reporter Victoria Recano told imdb.com that there was no apparant concrete cause of the crash: "There was no one following her. She was going pretty fast on Robertson." Lohan, who ran into an antiques store to hide after the accident, could face criminal charges. We all knew she was destined for a Dana Plato destiny, but we had no idea it'd be before she was old enough to vote. Enjoy the crash site pics here, and heed this story's simple moral: don't be a dick. Or don't blow rails and drive. Or don't become a child star. Gosh, this is a multifaceted story with countless morals. Ain't no fox and grapes style b-crap when we're talkin' 'bout the Lohan.

Lilo's fabled cans of yore: via MrSkin.com.