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Jenny Shimizu Sez: Angelina Will Never Give up the Vadgelina

Agent E. — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 17:55:25 +0000

You know what, Jenny Shimizu? Shut the hell up. We know you once tasted the juicy and delicious rubyfruit of Angelina Jolie, but get over it already. We care about that almost as little as we care about Isaiah Washington or those smarmy and perfectly coiffed kids from High School Musical. Even so, we're sure you, our readers, still want to hear what this visitor to the Mecca that is Angie's poon has to say. She told very reputable source News of the World:

She loves danger and dabbling in the dark side. Angelina is an unbelievable lesbian lover. That's where she gets her kicks — not playing happy family with one man. She loves women too much. It's like a drug and she was hooked.

You just don't get it, do you, Jenny? Brad Pitt is all the pussy Angelina could ever need.

In related news, the Jolie-Pitt brood is currently, at this very moment, somewhere in Chicago, within ten miles of CelebNewsWire! Our tracking efforts so far have been fruitless, as the rainbow that perpetually hovers just above their heads is quite difficult to follow, and while angelic little Shiloh does give off an especially strong waft of lilacs and baby powder and pure Tahitian vanilla, our nose was thrown off her trail when we neared the Blommer chocolate factory and the streets filled with the scent of brownies. But we will not give up. We will do our best to channel Miss Marple until we finally spot the savior infant in person. If you tune in to Entertainment Tonight this evening and hear about "that crazy person who ran up and pinched Shiloh's cheeks and then disappeared," you will know that our mission has been completed.

Forbidden Aphrodisia: The Story of Angelina and Jenny

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 17:30:35 +0000

Last December, Angelina Jolie's erstwhile ladylove, model and big blabbermouth Jenny Shimizu, crowed from the rooftops about Angie's "warm, mushy" lips and the fact that she dug broads too much to fully commit to Pitt. And Angelina must have wisely cut her off from that sweet, sweet no-wang banging, because Jenny has stepped up her game and granted an interview with the UK's highly questionable (yet definitely amusing) News of the World in which she spritzed a gentle, rainbow-colored mist of Too Much (Really Sexy) Information for all the world to see.

Jenny claims that she busted Ange's girl-girl cherry and is awfully proud of that fact (wouldn't you be?). However, we can't help feeling that Jenny's jealous of Brad and has some serious sour grapes happening. Or that she really, really needs money. Or that these are exerpts from her new Charmed erotic fan fic story.

"[Angelina] was a little shy but I just kept pointing to each bit of my body and saying ëBreast!' ëThigh!' encouraging her to kiss every part of me. She was so eager to please. It was such a turn-on looking down at her gorgeous naked body as I showed her how to make love to a woman."

Soon Angelina was calling shots, too. Their ideal night was for her to dress in PVC pants with matching skintight vest and trawl strip clubs together. "I even took her to dominatrix joints and she loved them all," said Jenny. "The darker and naughtier the better.

"Then we'd go back to wherever we were staying, desperate to rip each other's clothes off and act out the moves we'd seen. They were amazing nights." But one of the pair's wildest times together came at a friend's luxurious home in the Hollywood Hills.

"I was staying with my pal at the time and one night when she was away I invited Angelina and her husband Jonny over," said Jenny. "There was another girl there that I was also seeing. But that night Angelina and I wanted only each other.

"So while Jonny and my other girlfriend were in the house, Angelina and I walked to the swimming pool, looked at each other and slowly stripped naked. It was a beautiful clear night and we could see each other's bodies under the moonlight. Then we both dived in and wrapped our arms around each other. The feeling of the water got us both excited and for what seemed like hours we caressed each other under the surface, kissing again and again.

"Angelina loved to wax herself all over and didn't have a hair on her bodyóand under the water I could feel every bit of her."

Shuddering with desire, Angelina mounted the ivory steed and wrapped her slender arms around Jenny's strong, muscular waist. She felt the sinews of the horse ripping beneath her soft, ripe thighs. The beast broke into a steady trot, and the summer wind tore through Angelina's long tresses as she threw her head back and pressed the soft swellings of her firm bosom against Jenny's masculine form. At last, they reached the castle and, dizzy with lust, they dismounted the animal and their lips met in a fiery explosion of passion, the likes of which neither had yet tasted. Angelina's womanhood quivered with anticip . . . oh, sorry. We just got a little lost in the moment. Huzzah!

Yes, Angelina is bare naked at MrSkin.com.

And wouldn't ya know it? So's Jenny.

Angelina Jolie: A "Warm, Mushy, Beautiful Thing"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:59:57 +0000

It's a scientific fact that all men are peculiarly titillated when the object of their desire shows no interest in them. The more indifferent the prey seems, the more tasty it appears. So now you understand why Brad Pitt, who–let's face it–could have any man, woman, or child he desired, has been reduced to a teeny tiny squalling little baby girl by Angelina Jolie, who, although she has the #1 universal lust object squirming under her thumb, still insists on enjoying vaginal favors of ladyfriends past.

Model, actress, erstwhile mechanic, and big ole lezzie-bean Jenny Shimizu began bumping gorditas with Ang way back in 1996, when the pair costarred in Foxfire. Jenny claims that they've remained, you know, intimate, throughout Angelina's marriages to Jonny Lee Miller and Billy Bob Thornton, throughout the adoptions and the movies and the blood vials and the brotherfucking and everything. In a new documentary called Angelina – Saint or Sinner? for English TV's Sky One, Jenny snitches about her famous clam-jousting cohort:

"It seems like [Brad] comes from a different place. He wants to have kids and he wants to have a perfect marriage. She's a tough woman who will do everything she wants to. I don't think there is any way of controlling Angelina. She's not going to be a housewife . . .

"There has never been an end to her and I. I think there never will be. She's always had lovers that she relies on. If she can ring you and you can meet up then she can take care of her sexual needs. Whenever she calls me up I visit her. She's the person I'll always care about and always help and always be there for . . .

"She is beautiful. Her mouth is amazing. I've never kissed anyone with a bigger mouth than Angelina. It's like two water beds – it's like this big kind of warm, mushy, beautiful thing."

OK, can someone please attempt to explain to us why, exactly, your Jonny Lees and your Shimizus would brag in interviews about boffing the lust object of 99% of Earthlings? Because, if we were incredibly famous movie stars with a penchant for discreet no-strings-attached sexual encounters with exes, the last thing we'd want is our porkees blabbing to the press. But alas, we remain incredibly famous gossip bloggers of the world wide internets with a penchant for indiscreet no-strings-attached sexual encounters with primates. So basically, we don't know jack about dick. Carry on, Angelina.

If you haven't seen Angelina Jolie naked by now, there is no hope for you. Go to MrSkin.com immediately.

Yes, you can also see Jenny Shimizu naked at MrSkin.com; thanks for asking.