Lohan called her mother, Dina, on Sept. 2 and announced, ìMom, Iím getting married,î a ìsource close to Lindsayî told the upcoming issue of Star. ìLindsay explained that Harry gave her a gorgeous ring and that he asked her to marry him.î
The tab also says that ìfriends believe [the couple] could be married already!î
Another source, however, says thereís trouble in paradise. Lohan and Morton had a nasty spat on Sunday when he got furious at her for flirting with a DJ, according to the London Mirror.
The two went to a party at Clivedon House in London, but while Morton mingled, Lohan was ìall over [DJ Sam Young] like a rash,î according to the paper.
Morton was upset with the ìMean Girlsî star for ìnot paying him enough attentionî but Lohan countered that Morton should stop ìbeing so insecure.î

That second part sounds a little more plausible than Lindsay pouring over a Neiman Marcus gift registry choosing the perfect china pattern.
And now we'll bring you an update on the state of Lindsay's crotch. It appears that her wardrobe does indeed contain a least a smattering of undergarments, but she apparently only chooses to bust them out on the nights when she eschews pants. Wise we're sure.
And for the latest in old people your parents identify with upbraiding Lindsay for her poor work ethic and overexertion, we bring you Jane Fonda.

I think every once in a while, a very, very young person who is burning both ends of the candle needs to have somebody say, `You know, you're going to pay the piper, you better slow down.'

If Ms. Fonda's clichÈ dictionary hadn't been rudely snatched away by a passing pigeon, she would have continued to tell Lindsay to shape up or ship out and to straighten up and fly right. But instead she'll just give her a nice can cuddling.

I just want to take her in my arms and hold her until she becomes grown-up. She's so young and she's so alone out there in the world in terms of structure and, you know, people to nurture her. And she's so talented.

Hey, Jane we've got a better idea that may be a bit more up Lindsay's alley (Hey, that wasn't a pigeon! We stole Jane's clichÈ dictionary!). Why don't you invite Lindsay into your bedroom and teach her a bit of your own dildo-wielding work ethic?

Get your Lindsay fix at MrSkin.com.

Or skip La Lohan and see Jane naked.

The worst is a toss up–as in tossed-up lunch–between two. First there was an endless compilation reel that was presented as being Chuck Berry licking poo from the crap ovens of a collection of crude chicks, gulping girl urine, and filling a blonde's yap with pee.

Second was the footage purported to document Oscar-winner Jane Fonda slinging a strap-on dong up the crapper of newsman Ted Turner while he pumped the slot of a brunette I had never seen before in my life. I came away with the impression that both these tapes were true and authentic.

We're not sure if Ted Turner has as much clout as he did in those halcyon days we called "the '90s", but if he does, we fear for MacDonell's health and safety. Chuck Berry? Him, we're not so worried about. Because he'd probably just hurl a handful of turds when angered.

You Tarzan. Her Jane. Her naked. At MrSkin.com.

Suffice it to say that the purported Fonda is allegedly wearing artificial equipment to pleasure the alleged Turner while he services the brunette and asks the camera operator, "Are you getting this?"

Fonda and Turner's people claimed they could not be reached for comment, but Larry Flynt is blasÈ about the whole business.

"I really don't have any comment on the so-called Ted Turner videotape. Ted Turner and I have been friends for 30 years. I knew Ted before CNN , , , It's not like capturing a hypocritical congressman in the sack."

We, like Yorkshire terriers, are much more easily excited than Flynt. We need this video now. We need this book now.

Jane! She's nude! At MrSkin.com!

See Jane Fonda nude and spit-free at MrSkin.com.

But hey, you can still see Jane Fonda naked at MrSkin.com.

See Jane Fonda naked at MrSkin.com