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Jack Osbourne and Pete Doherty to Duel at High Noon

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 19 Oct 2006 17:33:52 +0000

Jack "progeny of Ozzy" Osbourne recently revealed in his new autobiography that he once kissed friend, supermodel, and fellow class A drug gourmand Kate Moss, saying, "it just felt just right." Her crackulous paramour, Pete Doherty, is taking umbrage at the claim. Apparently the world thinking Kate Moss once gave an innocent kiss to a dorky teen is unacceptable, while the world thinking Kate Moss is having full-on genital-to-genital contact with a cartoon version of a cartoon version of a cartoon version of Keith Richards is A-OK!

Pete put down the pipe and syringe just long enough to slur,

"To use Kate like that, it's just not right. I mean, even if they did kiss before I was with her, it's not right. The twat is out of order. Kate denied kissing him and that's that. It's just a foolish jibe."

Pete, Pete, Pete. Relax, man. Shoot some dope and chillllllll. We can all agree that whether Kate Moss is kissing you or kissing Jack Osbourne or kissing the both of you, there are no winners or losers here. Except for Kate Moss. Who is the loser. Because you look like a clammy, overgrown preemie and Jack Osbourne looks like a . . . . clammy, overgrown preemie.

What's all the fuss about? Kate, naked, at MrSkin.com.

Kate Moss: A Drastic Plea for Help

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 19 Jan 2006 17:41:27 +0000

You know what they say in drug and alcohol recovery circles: you can't start healing yourself until you've hit rock bottom. In the past few short months, we've seen sullied supermodel Kate Moss dorking a cracksmoker, having a topless seizure, blowing rails on film, and being dogged by the pigs. But this week, Kate has finally, finally reached the fabled nadir. She hit on Jack Osbourne.

Kate, we understand that you're trying to curb your hard-partying, dust-snuffling ways, but Jack Osbourne is not the only sober single man out there! After being photographed hanging with Jack after her rehab stint, Kate was very recently spotted trying to throw it to the formerly corpulent reality star at the bar in LA's Roosevelt Hotel. Says our gossip governess FemaleFirst.com (we're really mining those dudes today):

Sexy mum-of-one Kate was also allegedly bumping and grinding with the 20-year-old reality TV star as fellow revellers – including Natalie Portman, Kate Hudson and Jessica Simpson – looked on aghast, according to America's New York Daily News newspaper.

Of course Natalie Portman's uppity eyes were singed by the vision of a supermodel sinking so terribly, terribly low. But we particularly love the fact that even Jessica Simpson, whose coozle is so undiscriminating that it rolls out the red carpet for various Jackass cast members, was "aghast".

You've got a friend in MrSkin.com: the guide to Kate Moss naked.

Jack Osbourne: Come On Baby, Fight My Fire

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 14 Feb 2005 16:28:59 +0000

Jack Osbourne wants to become a firefighter. Who? Jack Osbourne? Who's that? Ozzy's kid? Yeah, we remember Ozzy. We thought he had a daughter, though. Oh, there's another one? God, we don't remember. The Osbournes is, like, soooo 2003.

So apparently, the pampered progeny of Ozzy and Sharon is fed up with the pampered, spoiled lifestyle of the rich and famous and wants to give back to his community. "I'm enrolling in a firefighting course this summer in New York. I'm serious. It's something I've always thought about but now is definitely the time to do it," he said. Jack, you DO know that firefighters have to, like, lift really heavy stuff? And they can't be hopped on on Oxycontin, right? "I think it would be really cool. Those guys do a tough job and I admire that. Since 9/11 I think people appreciate them more. Plus you get to wear those cool uniforms that all the chicks dig. I'm joking about that but I do want to do it–definitely. I'm looking into how to enroll now." We think it's sweet Jack wants to be a fireman. We hear it was a tough decision for him, after whittling his career choices down to "policeman", "fireman", and "cowboy".