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Kimbo Stewart FHM's Most Eligible Bachelorette. Must Look up Definition of "Eligible Bachelorette"

Agent E. — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 17:55:07 +0000

When you imagine which young, single, hot girl you would most like to share your dangly bits with, names like Jessica (either Alba or Biel will do) or Scarlett might come to mind. But in the FHM offices they want nothing more than to drive their collective Downtown Train into Kimbo Stewart. Hey, Joe Francis did declare her a better fuck than Tara Reid. That's something, right?

Despite the fact that FHM announced the mercy killing of its print division a couple months ago, the mag just won't go away. But we think we've figured it out: Dozens of magazine staffers, angry that they'll have to go begging for jobs in the Maxim mail room, wanted to leave their bosses with a big "F YOU, JERKHOLES" and racked their brains for hours and hours trying to come up with the perfect parting gift. Slip in a nude shot of Kathy Bates with the EIC's face superimposed on it? Personally take a crap in every issue being sent to subscribers? In the end they decided on the most subtle and least labor-intensive prospect, choosing Kimberly Stewart as their Most Eligible Bachelorette. Good one, out-of-work FHM staffers!

The rest of the list shaped up a little something like this:

1. Kimberly Stewart
2. Carmen Electra
3. Princess Beatrice
4. Sarah Harding
5. Scarlett Johansson
6. Lindsay Lohan
7. Maria Sharapova
8. Paris Hilton
9. Keeley Hazell
10. Keira Knightley
11. Ivanka Turmp
12. Nicky Hilton
13. Lydia Hearst-Shaw
14. Amanda Hearst
15. Gisele Bundchen
16. Holly Branson
17. Jenna Bush
18. Barbara Bush
19. Britney Spears
20. Kate Moss

We love the addition of Kate Moss. We think that even if she and Doperty get all legal-and-binding married she'll still pop up on these hot-n-single lists. If every single person in the world erases Pete Doherty from their memories maybe it will make him go away. Or least help him end up in prison when he gets arrested for the 48th time in a year.

You like hot and single ladies? Check out Carmen Electra at MrSkin.com and work your way down the list.

Ivanka Trump's Boob Runs for the Hills

Agent E. — Tue, 30 Jan 2007 17:59:55 +0000

Upon spying the photo to the left of these here words, you might think, "Damn, Ivanka Trump didn't pay enough for her bazoom bump-up. Those things are wonk!" But that's where you're wrong. It's not that Ivanka got a botched titty tweak; her boobs just do an excellent Paris Hilton impression.

What Ivanka seems to be experiencing here

is the opposite of a recent snap of BeyoncÈ

Perhaps Donald Trump, not satisfied with the technological advances in the silicone and saline fields, has taken to luring unsuspecting celebrities to his Mar-A-Lago estate, plying them with his in-development Trump Brand Tequila (available at a store near you in August), and surgically sucking fat out of their chestal assets to improve his daughter's bustline. BeyoncÈ's right rib cushion was sacrificed to enhance Ivanka's, but she still has the left one to worry about. Then, of course, Donald's second daughter, Tiffany, is a ripe thirteen and will soon be needing some funbag filler of her own. Who will The Donald lure next? Scarlett Johansson? Salma Hayek? When will the melon-melting madness end?

Need more of Ivanka's uneven pair? Egotastic's got your fix.

CNW Junk Drawer: "Like Women Everywhere"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 01 Nov 2006 17:36:24 +0000

ï Is Australian actress Abbie Cornish the real reason behind the Reese/Ryan breakup? That would mark the second time Ryan's fallen for a blonde with an incredibly silly last name. At least he's consistent.

ï Sumner Redstone says that he dropped Tom Cruise's contract because his wife, Paula, "like women everywhere, had come to hate him." Ouch, and hahahahaha.

ï Cindy Margolis is in Playboy. And her bod makes us hum Bob Seger's "Like a Rock".

ï The drummer for McFly (who?) has been bragging to anyone who'll listen that he has felt the gently licking flames of Lohan's firecrotch. Yeeeeah, that's like bragging that you ate food once, or that you sometimes blink.

ï Step aside, Brangelina! Take a hike, Bennifer! Let's all give a warm welcome to . . . Tophvanka Grump!

ï If there's anything U.S. Marines hate, it's being in the presence of a large-breasted, blonde, ultra-famous porn star.

ï Katie Holmes recently ran into Brooke Shields and stopped to chat. Afterwards, her ~~handler~~ best friend ever threw a burlap sack over her head, threw her in the back of a Brinks security van, drove her to a secluded location 4 miles beneath the earth's crust, and subjected her to 72 straight hours of deprogramming and delousing.

ï Heidi Klum: finally, a celebrity who ain't afraid to get a little scary for the sake of Halloween. Nicely done.

ï Patrick Dempsey's ex-wife, whom he married when he was 21 and she was the 48-year-old stepmother of his best friend, is alleging that he beat her during the filming of Can't Buy Me Love. Hey, these actors are tempestuous, artistic types and often have trouble bringing their work home with them at the end of the day. Can you really blame Dempsey for feeling violent when he spent day in and day out in character as a brutal, sexist killer with a hair-trigger temper. Wait, what? Can't Buy Me Love was about a mild-mannered nerd on a riding lawnmower? Oh.