I was 19, and my roommate had the best boobs ever, and she had just had hers done. I was flat as a board, and I thought ëWhoa, you can just buy themí and stupidly had them done!î

After her first operation, she said her breasts looked ìway too big for my body.î So she had a second one.

ìThe next guy put bigger ones in, and it was not good ó they were a D!î she said, adding that her doctor assumed she wanted to look more voluptuous because sheís an actress.

Uhhhhhh. Don't people discuss these things before they go under the knife? The way Denise is telling it, she was unhappy with her huge cans, so she went to a doctor and let him use his artistic vision. "Nurse, put her under. She says she wants 'em smaller. Hm, actress . . . whatever, put in the Ds."

ï Selma Blair's boyfriend is rumored to be shopping for rings in preparation for popping the question. Which is better than swabbing your anal ring in preparation for pooping. OR IS IT???? (IMDb)

ï Rachel McAdams and that Notebook guy are also going to get hitched. Mazel tov. (D Listed)

ï Halle Berry bare-ys her berries (kinda) in Esquire. (Egotastic!)

ï Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn: reunited? And it feels so . . . eeeuuughhhh. (Cityrag)

ï Jordan gets her fetus pierced! (Faded Youth)

ï FHM goes heaving on the smoothing tool in Photoshop, makes Kim Stewart look slightly less embarrassing. Young Turks be free tonight indeed! Wait, what does that mean. (Hollywood Tuna)

ï Howard Stern (not K.) luxuriates in the warm, comforting, leathery glow of Don Imus's verbal gaffe. (Radar)

ï Brad and Angelina allegedly purchase $140 million yacht made of marble and gold, because they are Liberace. (PopSugar)

ï Par-ass Hilton. (Taxi Driver)

ï Snoop Dogg is facing up to four years in prison. Comeback album entitled From the Dogghouse to the Big House . . . and Back Again dropping in 2011. (Celebitchy)

ï Jessica Alba busts out her pantaloons to assuage our Dane Cook-assaulted eyes. (IDontLikeYouInThatWay)

Joe Francis called in to Howard this morning to "discuss" his and Paris's pending lawsuit against Parisexposed.com. While he claims he and Paris are not behind the leak, he mentioned the website name numerous times, and Robin and Howard didn't buy it for a minute. Joe sounded extremely drugged up, or hungover, or still drunk?? But then again it was around 8 a.m. Howard time, 5 a.m. Hollywood time…Howard got him to admit that Paris was the best blowjob he'd ever received. When asked who gave the better bj, Paris or Lindsey, Joe responded, "Paris," even though a few statements earlier he claimed, "Lindsey and I are just friends."

When asked who was the worst in bed of all the famous chicks he's slept with (insinuated in this interview: Paris, Lindsey, Kimbo Stewart, Tara Reid) he said Tara was the worst, and when Howard asked why, he went silent again. When asked to explain why he claimed Tara was so bad, he wouldn't come out and say it, but merely mumbled, "…well I only used protection with her, so maybe that made it less pleasurable…" Howard then began asking more leading questions like, "So she just laid there?" or "Was it because she had a big smelly loose vagina?" Joe responded, "More or less, yeah."

To conclude such highbrow topics, Joe stated, "Well I don't plan on having sex with Paris again, especially after seeing the medical documents on the site."

If listening to this conversation between Paris Hilton and Nicole Lenz has taught us anything, it's that big loose smelly vaginas are the fault of men who have sex with a lot of girls, thus infecting them all yeastily. Nicole's mom told her, so it's true. And that Paris's wiener never smells, ever.

Sniff Paris at MrSkin.com.

Lohan and her massive cleavage is there, too.

And Tara, naked.

Stern asked Stamos if he'd thought Teri Hatcher has had too much plastic surgery. Stamos replied:

"Yeah, you know sheís ok. I actually saw her the other night, we were at that Ryan Seacrest thing and she came out and kept trying to kiss me in front of all of the cameras."

John was apparently involved with Denise Richards post-Charlie and pre-Richie. He said:

"The truth was weíre really good friends and when she was going through her divorce, I was there for her. We had dated you know years before for a while. This time around was just kind of a fast thing and she was going through a hard time. I felt bad that we couldnít continue on, but it was a bad timing thing. Sheís a great mom and sheís a very hands-on mom, you know, and dating women with kids is tough."

And just call him Richie Stamboros, because he almost had Heather Locklear in her prime, too:

I met her one time and we got really drunk and she asked me to go up to her room with her. But I was a kid and she was getting me plastered, we were playing quarters and by the end I couldnít even hit the quarter on the table. So she said why donít you come up to my room in a few minutes, Iím going to take a shower, and I was like yeah, you know, Iím going to do this. The next thing I remember, I woke up with barf all over my room and security was pounding on the door because I had to get to the show. I was in my own room, I just missed the whole thing!

And speaking of being too drunk to hump, John mentined that he had also done it with Brat Pack era Demi Moore, but he could barely remember the act due to his drug use at the time. See, Nancy Reagan had it all wrong when she waged a war on drugs. Her slogan should have been "Don't Do Drugs Because You Will Get to Have Sexual Intercourse With Incredibly Sexy and Rich Hollywood Starlets But Then You Won't Remember It So Basically It's Like You Never Banged Them in the First Place." Which doesn't have the same memorable ring to it as "Just Say No," we admit. But it probably would have been much more effective. Guess we'll never know. Thanks a lot, Nancy Reagan.

Teri Hatcher's hairy snatcher at MrSkin.com.

Denise: also there, also naked.

Heather Locklear's there.

And wouldn't ya know it, so's Demi.

"It feels great. I have to get one for the house. It's awesome. This is the best thing I have ever felt in my life. I felt like I was going to take off."

She and hubby Dave Navarro have been rumored to be on th verge of a split for quite a while. We're fairly sure that Carmen's assertion that a vibrating pommel horse is more satisfying than her husband's penis isn't going to help matters much.


Thrill to naked Carmen at MrSkin.com.

Full ratings and terse summaries of Fez's past stable of famous schtup puppets after the cut.

Now, we can't fault Fez for wanting to gloat about bagging Lohan. But the dumb thing here, see, is that telling everyone on Howard Stern's satellite radio show might earn him props from the male population, but he will most certainly never find himself meatily injecting luminous stars of stage and screen ever again. It's OK, Fez, you can always have a drinking buddy in the equally braggy and indiscreet Chris Klein!
Valderrama appeared on the radio yesterday to promote his new TV show, Yo Mama (huh?), but instead, promoted his penis, which he said is "slightly bigger" than eight inches. He then waxed poetic on the virtues of past loves:
Lindsay Lohan: Says she's one of the "best girls" he's ever slept with, and that her boobs are real. When asked if she had ruby pubies, he answered that she was bald as a baby and "really pampered herself". Pampered herself down there, he means.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: An "eight out of 10". We're not sure if that's a compliment or an insult.
Ashlee Simpson: "Loud" in bed. And, we're assuming, off-key.
Mandy Moore: How dare he defile our Mandy, with her kind soul and the glowing corona of luminosity surrounding her sweet face! Fez said that he popped her maidenhead, and that she was "really good" but "not warm like apple pie". Guhhh?
Also stated that he's had two ladies at once, and that he once anally destroyed a very famous actress, but refused to name her. We love that he'll sing like a canary about the texture and temperature of Mandy Moore's vagina, but outing his buttsex partner? That's where Fez draws the line.

Sexy pics of Lohan are at MrSkin.com. Believe it.
J. Lo. Hew. is there, as well.
And Mandy. Oh yes.

Too nervous in a private bathroom stall, but during a radio broadcast, and in front of an entire crew: no problemo! After relaying the Sapphic, graphic tale, Jenna hopped on Howard's Sybian machine (no home is complete without one! We keep ours next to the Ionic Breezô!) and proceeded to have an O.G. on satellite radio. And if that isn't enough, there are pictures. She looks like she's taking a dump on a pommel horse. A sexy dump.

Is Jenna Jameson naked at MrSkin.com? Does a bear shit in the woods?

Jenny Mac's also there. You betcha.

ï Posh is also planning on writing a children's book. Just as soon as she learns how to write.

ï There are never enough headlines that include the words "Kate Beckinsale" and "ass".

ï Wow. Sienna Miller's doing a really, really, really, really bad job of channeling Edie Sedgwick. Really bad.

ï Eva Longoria and Jamie Foxx, also known as the two most irritatingly overrated stars in the cosmos, might have hooked up. Good. Maybe they'll fall in love and go live in the bottom of the sea somewhere.

ï Drew Barrymore and her huge snoobs are awesome. Don't hate. Congratulate.

ï Brad and Angelina's golden fetus says, "Does this ultrasound make me look fat?"

ï You know it's a slow gossip day when this is the headline of the day.

ï William Shatner's nugget of crystallized urine builds houses for the underprivileged. Yeah, you heard us.

ï Howard Stern admits to having a little plastic surgery. We thought his tits were looking particularly fabulous lately.