CelebNewsWire» hot stories Archives – CelebNewsWire

Gyllenteaase: Maggie's Chaste Lesbian Threesome Video

Agent E. — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 17:59:15 +0000

We searched high and low today for a peter pleasing Sexy Lady Story, but the pickins they were slim. Sure, we could loosen our definition of celebrity a bit and post some pictures of some girl you’ve never heard of in a bikini, but that’s just not our style. Instead, feast upon Maggie Gyllenhaal luring three pretty ladies into a big ol’ bed with her. Of course, the camera gets a big slice of the bedroom door while Maggie’s enjoying a couple of slices of furburger, but it’s still sexy, right? Maggie and three girls? Pizza and wine? Cheesy softcore music? Sexy, no? Yeah, be would have liked to see some of Maggie’s funbaggies too, as it’s been quite a while, but she’ll come around. One of these days we’ll show up at our local arthouse theater to take in a moving tale of a spunky young coffee-shop worker who rises up against her sexiest employer and overthrows the patriarchy with sheer moxie. And nudity. You can’t overthrow the patriarchy without nudity.

Video via speechlesswithoutwriters.com.

The Mysteries of Titsburgh

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 17:59:33 +0000

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh screened at Sundance the other day. You might not be familiar with the title of this film, because it's generally known by its Sienna Miller-given moniker, The Mysteries of Shitsburgh. Our eagle-eyed Sundance spy sent the following nudity report:

(0:05) Mena Suvariís breasts are seen as she rides a guy in a bookstore.

(0:51) Sienna Miller gives us some quick breast shots while sheís in bed with Peter Sarsgaard.

(1:03) Breasts and buns from Sienna Miller during sex with Jon Foster.

With a title like The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, we just kind of assumed that it would be about a young girl's quest to uncover the fries that lurk beneath the slaw on a Primanti Bros. sandwich. As it turns out, it's actually the harrowing tale of Mena and Sienna's quest to uncover their T & A.

Mena's mammages! She's naked at MrSkin.com.

So's Sienna!

Britney Spears Finally Gives in to the Crazy, Takes Kids Hostage

Agent E. — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 17:59:16 +0000

Well, we got our wish. Yesterday we bitched and moaned about how boring Britney Spears had become and pleaded with her to do something interesting again. And quite frankly, we're pretty shocked that she reads CelebNewsWire and wants to please us so much (not as shocked as we are that she can read, period, though). But holding her kids hostage? A police standoff? Getting hauled off to the hospital in restraints and being put on suicide watch? That's a bit much, Brit. We were really only hoping for you to leave the house without your extensions or completely naked. We didn't want you to get the kids involved. Because that makes us sad. The whole thing is pretty sad, actually. Girl has problems and she needs help. And we still think back to pre-Fed Britney and want what's best for her. We hope that this is–finally–rock bottom and things will get better for her. We think that it's time for Brit's fellow celebrities to band together to lend their support. First there could be a "We Are the World" style benefit song in her honor, though we're not quite sure what it would actually benefit, as Brit can surely afford her own Zoloft and life coach. Then Julia Roberts could offer to have Brit move to her ranch in New Mexico for six months, where Jules could teach Brit the finer points of parenting, like how to properly stow a tot in a car seat, prepare nutritious meals out of things that once grew in the ground, cover electrical outlets, lock up knives and booze, and supply Sean P. with a more appropriate peek-a-boo device than the plastic Ralph's bag he loves to put over his head. Then some really, really smart person could invent a device that Brit could point at potential friends and semen suppliers that would tell her which ones were total asshats using her for money/fame/Howard K. Stern-style manipulative urges. We think that last one would be very helpful.

And in case you haven't already spent half of your working hours pouring over the minutia of the Brit Brit saga, check out Us Weekly's handy timeline, I Don't Like You in that Way's succinct wrap-up, or TMZ's exhaustive coverage. We're sure that details will be pouring in all day. The latest: Brit's not on drugs or booze. Which means that only her own fragile, completely f'ed up mind is to blame. That's really scary.

Alba and Hewitt Make for a Barren Nude Year

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 17:59:35 +0000

Pretty lady/PA semen receptacle Jessica Alba is not letting a little thing like pregnancy get in the way of her main occupation. Which is not acting, it's whining about how she hates being sexy and will never show you so much as an unadorned elbow so STFU. According to SF Gate:

[Alba has] reportedly turned down three offers to show off her baby bump in revealing magazine photoshoots.

The 26-year-old has already ruled out the chance to follow the likes of Demi Moore and Christina Aguilera and bare all for glossy covers.

A friend says, "She had three offers on the first day, but she doesn't intend to take any of them."

Yeah, we know. Alba won't be happy until we call her a stupid ugly warty misshapen goblin that smells real bad. And when we do, she'll do a little pirouette and look in the mirror and say, "They hate me! I'm gross! Yaaaaayyyyy!"

And no nudes is also good nudes for Jennifer Love Hewitt, whose Hugetits will not be bandied about in Playboy anytime soon, despite their generous offer. Says SF Gate:

The actress' publicist tells the upcoming issue of In Touch Weekly magazine the "Ghost Whisperer" star was "flattered" by the offer, but turned it down. A friend of the 28-year-old says, "She's pretty conservative, but is very proud of her body."

Well, of course JLH wouldn't stoop to such low pap as flaunting her flesh in the pages of Playboy magazine. Like Alba, she is too busy being a serious actress. Plus those residuals from Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties and The Tuxedo are keeping her in forehead polish and cross-your-heart bras just fine.

Oh boy, Alba, at MrSkin.com.

JLH gives a little nipple, whoo hoo.

Kim Kardashian Shows Her Kar-vadge-ian in Playboy

Agent E. — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 17:59:14 +0000

There are many things in this world that frighten us. We end most days cowering in a corner rocking back and forth and chewing on our hair. Spiders, snakes, peppermint tea, Katie Couric, they all leave us jumpy and terrified. But nothing is more frightening than the powers of Playboy (except maybe the IRS). We're pretty sure Hef's minions include at least twelve eunuchs who troll the internet 24 hours a day searching for misused Playboy content and waiting to hit the speed-dial button for their scary lawyers. So as much as we would like to show you the actual pictures from Kim Kardashian's spread for the mag, we cannot overcome our fear to do so. But luckily our friends at I Don't Like You in that Way are fearless badasses who cower to no man (or Playboy-employed eunuch, as it may be). So pay them a visit and gaze upon the private bits of Kim K. There's even bush. Or what passes as bush in 2007. Which is to say two pubic hairs.

UPDATE: Sorry, suckers, you missed them. We told you those eunuchs were coming, but you just didn't listen. Now you'll just have to hide that Playboy between copies of Popular Mechanics and The New Yorker and hope the cute girl working the counter at Barnes & Noble doesn't notice you're buying nudie pics of a fame whore.

Mandy Moore Slurps Pole

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 17:59:05 +0000

Mandy Moore puts a song in our hearts and a spring in our step. We imagine that she wakes up each morning and has a precious army of twittering bluebirds that dress her in silky finery before she starts her day with organic whole grains and locally-grown produce. And then she leaves the house, says "pigfucker" a lot, and licks a stripper pole. Huzzah! Our gossip life coach, FemaleFirst, reports:

Mandy Moore has rid herself of her good girl image by grinding against and licking a stripper pole.

The brunette singer-and-actress, who is renowned for her squeaky clean image, sexily gyrated round a silver pole during an interview with online celebrity gossip columnist Perez Hilton.

Mandy – who also continuously swore throughout the segment for the journalist's VH1 show got so randy she even ran her tongue along the pole at one point, as Perez jumped and screeched in the background.

It's kind of like seeing a Brownie smoke a cigar, or a panda bear giving the shocker.
This being the age of the Youtubes, there is, of course, video (at TMZ), so you can watch Mandy gleefully bark the f-word and get poled without having to see P. Hilton's kicky retro shaved Vanilla Ice brow.

See even Moore of Mandy–NAKED!–at MrSkin.com.

Sienna Miller Eradicates Evil with Naked Knockers

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 17:59:41 +0000

Here's actress/possible penis cozy to Puffy Doodles, Sienna Miller, topless on the beach in Ibiza. Did you know that the correct pronunciation of Ibiza is "Ee-bee-thuh?" And if you click the thpot that thayth "more", you can thee her boobth.

The United States government could learn a lot from this Sienna Miller. Here we are, spending multiple millions of dollars doing God knows what over there in the Middle East, sacrificing young men and women's innocent lives and causing destruction, pain, and pestilence. But our anger is misguided. Look to Sienna, warmongers of the Western world. Look to the brash young British upstart who has declared her own personal war on the real enemy. And the real enemy is shirts. We know this, you know this, Osama Bin Laden knows this. Even Karl Rove knows this. Why do you think he resigned? "Not enough titties," he said sadly. "Not enough titties."

Pics via Drunken Stepfather.

Sienna shows even more at MrSkin.com.

J.Lo Introduced To Dungeon Life; Marc Anthony Surprisingly Not Responsible

Agent E. — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 17:59:55 +0000

So you're a rapidly aging and fading pop star/sex symbol whose latest ill-advised hubby collabo has been pretty much panned and whose once-storied and adored rear bumper has been surpassed by younger ladies of varying ethnicities. What's a girl to do? Why, break out the whips and chains and human-sized mousetraps and giant hamster cages. That'll get their attention, J.Lo.

We suppose when turning your rump to the camera and shake-shake-shaking it doesn't grab the attention of the tweener MTV-watching set, there's nowhere to go but hardcore S&M. Rush & Molloy report:

Not everyone would try to marry motherly love with bondage and domination in a dance video. But Jennifer Lopez gave it her best shot last weekend in L.A.

For two days, director David LaChapelle had her tricked out in the sort of tight, studded-leather outfit that avenging moms apparently wear when they rescue their children from sex clubs.

Never mind that LaChapelle's scenario has nothing to do with the lyrics of "Do It Well," the first single from J.Lo's forthcoming CD, "Brave." Lopez really wanted to work again with the photographer, who directed her "I'm Glad" video.

Perhaps aware that she also really wants a child, LaChapelle gave her one ó a son, about 6 years old. For some reason, the kid is being held hostage in this kinky club. Enter J.Lo, kicking around bouncers the same way she wailed on that abusive husband in "Enough."

Searching for her boy, she discovers a grimy place that resembles a Petland store run by the Marquis de Sade. Opening one door, she sees a dominatrix, dressed up as a cat, whipping a man in a mouse mask and underpants. He's stretched out on a mousetrap. Behind another door is a giant hamster cage, where one woman trods an exercise wheel while another sucks water from a bell bottle.

Lopez makes her way past an assortment of pimps and hos, finally finding her boy washing dishes in the kitchen. She leads him to safety, tossing a few goons over the railing along the way.

Off-camera, a bathrobe-clad Lopez was attended to by hubby Marc Anthony. His devotion prompted one set "prostitute" to remark, "I need to find a man like that!"

The "Brave" CD is out Oct. 9, the start of La Lopez's fall tour.

Ah, if only we could all find men "like that." We'd save so much money on food, although ours nights would be rather hectic, what with stalking the local chicken coop for fresh, juicy blood. And decorating our bedrooms would be so easy if they were only slightly larger than the human form, lined with satin, and outfitted with a securely closing lid for that extra-cozy feeling. A girl can dream.

Jenny Lo loses the bondage gear at MrSkin.com.

Screw That Umbrella; Stand Under Rihanna's Boobs

Agent E. — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 17:59:33 +0000

Yesterday we thought that if we had to hear "Umbrella" one more damn time we would have to hunt down Rihanna and punch her straight on in the fivehead. Today she gives us boobies, and a possible hint of nip, so all is forgiven. Boobies are the true cure all.

Overexposure in a song is never good. But overexposure in a singer is always good. Unless it's Chubby Checker. Nobody wants to see his cleavage. Rihanna may be looking a little close to the Posh Spice half-coconut-shells in these pictures, but the non-Crayola tone of her skin makes it OK. Plus, there may be a touch of nipple in that last pic. The nipple: giver of sustenance, soother of souls.

Egotastic has roughly one gagillion more pictures of Rihanna's cleavage for your pleasure.

And MrSkin.com's got her too.

Jessica Biel to Turn Powder Blue into Powder Nude

Agent E. — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 17:59:01 +0000

Remember yesterday when we brought you pictures of Jessica Biel in her panties from her upcoming movie Powder Blue? Remember how you were really excited and got a boner and played with it? Well today Jessica gives you an even bigger reason to bust out your trusty old raincoat and take a trip to the cinema. She may look like Jo Polniaczek in the movie, but, hey, she's gonna be naked. Yay! According to Contact Music:

JESSICA BIEL is dreading posing nude in her new movie POWDER BLUE, because she is terrified of stripping off in front of the film crew. The actress plays a stripper in the movie alongside Forest Whitaker and Ray Liotta, but is still unsure about baring all. She says, "I haven't decided exactly about the nudity. It's a tough one. I am considering it but it's a very scary thing to do. It definitely feels vulnerable to be naked in front of anybody let alone a film crew. And it's scary because of the internet – you don't know where it's going to end up. It's a moment that could be exploited."

Could be exploited? Obviously Jessica is not aware of our other website, jessicabielmonkeysex.com, in which we use the magic of Photoshop to create wonderful images of naked Jessica Biel doing all manner or dirty and nasty things with a monkey. Once we have actual naked Jessica Biel pictures there will be a marvelous whiff of authenticity to our creations. Then surely we'll finally win that Bloggy we've always coveted.