ï Holly Madison will be replacing an injured Jewel on Dancing with the Stars. Because to find someone to fill Jewel's shoes, they needed someone with similarly large chugs. (Daily Stab)

ï So maybe Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green aren't really broken up after all. Because, apparently, she's "addicted" to his ding dong. Here, have a bucket for that retching. There ya go. (Yeeeah!)

ï Ashlee Simpson brings Bronx Mowgli out into the urban jungle. Hahahaha, get it? (CelebWarship)

ï Miley Cyrus admits she underwent harrowing bullying at school. Then she came home and jumped in her swimming pool full of mink stoles and had the Hope Diamond for dinner. (Wesbster's Is My Bitch)

ï Kanye West's new beard girlfriend, Amber Rose, is frankly quite hot. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï James Franco got a book deal. Okay. (Celebitchy)

ï Hollywood dudes who wear too much makeup. Hahahaha! Look at you! Nice mascara, pansy! Bwahahaha! (Bitten and Bound)

ï Phil Collins has retired from music to collect artifacts from the Alamo. Because he can. (Holy Moly)

"Criss and Holly are no longer a couple. They remain very close friends and wish each other the very best," a rep for Angel tells E! News.

The 29-year-old Madison and 41-year-old Angel had been cohabitating at the magician's Sin City abode since December, but the Playboy pinup recently moved back in with family.

"She was very much in love with him, and they're still very close friends," a source close to the former couple said, adding that the decision to split was mutual. "It was a conflict of schedules. She felt she couldn't devote 100 percent of her time in Vegas and his career at the expense of her career and her goals."

True, when you're a driven woman devoted 100% to the goal of never showing dark roots and dedicated to your time-consuming career of tending to an 81-year-old man's geoduck-like dong, it's hard to maintain a relationship, so we can see how that would be the cause of their breakup. It was either that, or she was sick of Criss using her mineral foundation.

Gossip is incredibly slow and humdrum today, so we're going to jazz this post up a little with pictures of half-naked Marisa Miller smelling her own armpit. When we work together to make things interesting, we all win.

ï Keira Knightley was attacked by a wandering expletive-spewer and lived to tell the tale. (Yeeeah!)

ï Being the concubine of Marilyn Manson, Evan Rachel Wood is used to standing next to undead ghouls, so she looks right at home beside Mickey Rourke. (CelebWarship)

ï Hilary Swank will gain 30 pounds for a movie role. Which is cool because we also plan on gaining 30 pounds, basically because Totino's Pizza Rolls are on sale at Safeway. Solidarity! (Daily Stab)

ï Ay oh! Oh ay! Whaddaya doin', Samanter? It's Alyssa Milano naked! (Mr. Skin)

ï Another male has willingly placed his wango inside of Star Jones. (Holy Taco)

ï Daniel Radcliffe admits when he was a teen, his magic wand found its way into a cougar's Hairy Pooter. (Derek Hail)

ï Holly Madison take a carefree swing, and tosses out some beav. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Lacey Chabert gives us a party of two. (Fatback)

ï Katie Holmes has the knees of a three dollar hooker. Or that girl Tammy who was voted "friendliest" in tenth grade. (Cityrag)