CelebNewsWire» Hilary Swank Archives – CelebNewsWire

Knick Knack Paddywhack

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:26:07 +0000

Animal lover and Oscar-winner Hilary Swank is the face of Iams Home 4 the Holidays Pet Adoption Drive, which she helped kick off yesterday with a personal appearance, posing with some canine pals. And, uhhhh, I guess it’s safe to say that dog is a big Hilary Swank fan.

Photos via Socialite Life. Also, come Tweet with us.

CNW Junk Drawer: “I Still Love Her, But She’s Retarded”

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 17:21:10 +0000

Nicole Kidman. Touch her and she will not flinch. Cut her and she will not bleed. She is Terminator Barbie. Botox syringe sold separately. (D-listed)
Tila Tequila threatens suicide. On Twitter, so you know she means business. (Yeeeah!)
Guy Ritchie says Madonna is “retarded”. You forgot “dummy” and “dipstick” and “diarrhea breath”, Guy. (Us Weekly)
Mischa Barton fears she’ll never work again. Not with that skank-ass scrubbly weave you won’t. BURN! (Faded Youth)
Video of the Jayde Nicole/Brody Jenner/Joe Francis bar fight. Joe drags Jayde across the floor by her hair, which comes as a complete shock to us because we thought he was a giving and nurturing gentleman who loved and respected women. (RadarOnline)
Hell hath no fury like a Suri Cruise denied her JP Licks. (CeleBitchy)
Katie Price attacks the paps with an umbrella. Nice try, but Britney did it first, better, and balder, trick. (Anything Hollywood)
Hilary Swank’s boyfriend’s 6-year-old son sees her boobs daily. (Mr. Skin)
Lady Gaga video, before she was Gaga’ed out. Aw, look. It’s Meadow Soprano. (Amy Grindhouse)

CNW Junk Drawer: Keeping Up with Her Ass-ian

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:19:46 +0000

ï Your daily dose of Kim Kardashian's rotund rumpus delecti. (F-listed)

ï Nicole Richie allegedly kicks Joel Madden to the curb. Joel responds by kicking it to Mischa Barton. (Yeeeah!)

ï Elle MacPherson named the greatest model of all time. Janice Dickinson is somewhere guzzling Drano right now. (Daily Stab)

ï Hilary Swank was hospitalized to remove a "small benign growth". Her penis, right? (Celebitchy)

ï Ryan O'Neal and his son Redmond bond. By getting busted for meth together. This makes Tatum's bust look kind of classy.(Derek Hail)

ï Joe Francis opens his douche-hole to say he thinks Lohan is straight and just going through a phase. Who wouldn't give up men after screwing Joe Francis? (CelebWarship)

ï 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has a boyfriend. He's 20. And an underwear model. This should be good. (Hollywood Grind)

ï Do you have the balls to . . . name that celebrity cameltoe? (Cityrag)

ï Shauna Sand wears a see-through dress to match her see-through shoes. (Drunken Stepfather)

CNW Junk Drawer: Harry Potter and the Underaged Bone

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 18:17:42 +0000

ï Get a black snake bone. Look at Christina Ricci in a bikini. (The Blemish)

ï Keira Knightley was attacked by a wandering expletive-spewer and lived to tell the tale. (Yeeeah!)

ï Being the concubine of Marilyn Manson, Evan Rachel Wood is used to standing next to undead ghouls, so she looks right at home beside Mickey Rourke. (CelebWarship)

ï Hilary Swank will gain 30 pounds for a movie role. Which is cool because we also plan on gaining 30 pounds, basically because Totino's Pizza Rolls are on sale at Safeway. Solidarity! (Daily Stab)

ï Ay oh! Oh ay! Whaddaya doin', Samanter? It's Alyssa Milano naked! (Mr. Skin)

ï Another male has willingly placed his wango inside of Star Jones. (Holy Taco)

ï Daniel Radcliffe admits when he was a teen, his magic wand found its way into a cougar's Hairy Pooter. (Derek Hail)

ï Holly Madison take a carefree swing, and tosses out some beav. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Lacey Chabert gives us a party of two. (Fatback)

ï Katie Holmes has the knees of a three dollar hooker. Or that girl Tammy who was voted "friendliest" in tenth grade. (Cityrag)

Celebrity Bikini Round-Up

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 10 Jul 2007 17:55:02 +0000

Christ on a cross, there are so many pictures of female celebrities in bikinis floating around today, we don't even know what to do with ourselves today. Aside from "playing" with ourselves, but that's generally frowned upon in the workplace, which we found out when we were working the night shift at the medical examiner's office. Stupid sexy corpses.

1. Hayden Panettiere

Hayden's on Heroes. She plays a cheerleader. She's seventeen years old, but she's not exactly naked. Still, if you look at these pictures on your computer, Chris Hansen will show up at your house with a camera crew and you will cry at your kitchen table with your hands over your head, saying, "Mah life's overrrrr!" (More pics here)

2. Eva Mendes

Eva once claimed that she could magically control the size of her bajoongas. Today she deflated them for maximum swimming speed. That was an incredibly weak joke but she looks completely un-make-funnable. Humbled. (More pics here)

3. Mariah Carey

It's our beloved Glitterfly, Mimi. How does one achieve a state of constant cheesecakey pinup posing? Does she have assistants contort and tape down her body into various Vargas poses at night? (More pics here)

4. Hilary Swank

Haha, just fooling! That's Matt Damon in a bikini. (More pics here)

CNW Junk Drawer: Not Anorexic

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 05 Jul 2006 17:50:51 +0000

ï K-Fed is all, "Yo, remember when I did PopoZao? Yo, I was just funnin' y'all. No, surriously. When my REAL shit drops, y'all are gonna go nuts. No, really. PopoZao: just a big ha-ha. I meant to do that. Yo. Yo."

ï BREAKING: Hugh Hefner has had sexual intercourse with ladies!!!

ï "Elizabeth Hurley See-Through Nipple" does not actually mean that her nipple is transluscent, you realize.

ï Hilary Swank tells People that her split from husband Chad "brother of Rob" Lowe was not, in fact, due to her being a huge mega multiple Oscar-winning superstar acting Hollywood juggernaut while he had a few guest spots on CSI: Miami and Medium. It was because he's a druggie. Dun dun DUNNNN!

ï Your friend Billy Zane orders his colossally-kanockered girlfriend Kelly Brook to wear only enormous, dowdy underpants. Because he is a bad man.

ï Paris Hilton sets sights on passing down the wonkeye gene.

ï Kingston Rossdale and Piloh Shitt had a little play date. Ah, yes. Angelina and Brad are already making quite sure that their facially fortunate offspring consorts with only the prettiest peers. Excellent, excellent.

ï Our gossip doula, FemaleFirst, agrees with us that Natalie Portman will indeed be naked for real in her next film.

ï Keira Knightley says, "I'm not anorexic. But my grandma was. And my great-grandma was. And also, Tracey Gold was."

Shannon Elizabeth and Hilary Swank in a Tale of Four Nipples

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 04 Apr 2006 17:59:28 +0000

Shannon Elizabeth wears tape over her nipples and has a no-nudity clause. Hilary Swank eshews any and all nip shields and will shuck her shirt in the blink of an eye and the whirr of a camera. Guess which one is getting sued by her Neanderthal ex-mate, and which has two Oscars? (Hint: that's a trick question!)

Ah, Hilary Swank. God love her. Not only does she smilingly not give a good goddamn that the Lord and her mother and everyone can see her high-water, roseate nipplage, she has the same last name as a really really dirty magazine.

Here we have the lovely Shannon Elizabeth. Poor Shannon tried to shave off 235 lbs of ugly fat; i.e. her husband, and ended up getting slapped with an alimony suit. To add insult to injury, she's suddenly become, like, chaste and crap. If you are wearing a see-through shirt and don't want people to look at your boobatasms, then wear a bra or a camisole. Nipple-shaped stickers over one's nipples just draw attention to the fact that you have nipples, even if the viewer cannot see the actual nipples. And, you know what? If you absolutely have no other possible recourse except to sport nipple stickers, then at least make them interesting. Like scratch-n'-sniff Lisa Frank unicorns jumping over rainbows.

More pictures of Hilary's tit buttons here. More pictures of Shannon's pasties here.

Shannon, naked for real, no stickers, at MrSkin.com.

Hilary's there, too, looking equally nuuuuude.

Separated at Birth: Former Oscar-Winners Edition

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 06 Mar 2006 17:16:39 +0000

Blah blah Oscars blah Crash blah gay cowboys blah blah. We watched the Oscars. We were bored silly. We have no follow-up stories to bring you other than the fact that last night, we noticed for the very first time that Hilary Swank is actually Matt Damon in a dress.

Hilary! Nakeeeeeed! MrSkin.com!

And cach matt at MaleStars.com.

Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe Still Boring, Newly Single

Agent E. — Tue, 10 Jan 2006 17:50:23 +0000

She's won a couple of shiny statues for straddling that masculine/feminine line but will always be Steve Sanders's unwed-mother girlfriend in our minds. And he got a couple of slightly-less-important statues for pretending to have AIDS on Life Goes On, but we can't think about him without wondering if he's got a hidden copy of his brother's teen-twiddling tape. The really sad thing about the separation of Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe is that the previous two sentences were the most interesting things we could say about them. Welcome to Hollywood's most boring breakup.

Seriously, the only reason anyone even knew that Hilary and Chad were married was because she forgot to thank him in her Oscar acceptance speech for Boys Don't Cry while he flamboyantly proved that boys do indeed cry. Other than that, theirs has been the least eventful Hollywood marriage since Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. So why do we care that they're breaking up? We don't, really, but we have an obligation to you, our perverts, to announce any new entry into the celebrity dating pool and to remind you that she has been caught naked on film. Details on the split are sparse, but Swank's manager, Troy Nankin, released this statement: "Hilary and Chad have decided to separate, but they are hopeful they'll be able to get through this tough time." If word is released that this split was initiated by Lowe, it might start a Hollywood house-husband revolt, with Ryan Phillippe and Danny Moder burning piles of their wives' movies and insisting that they can pay the cable bill all by themselves and otherwise grasping at their last shreds of masculinity.

Did we mention Hilary Swank naked? Yes indeedy. Check it at MrSkin.com.