CelebNewsWire» Heidi Montag Archives – CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: Minka Jeter. Minka Jeter. Minka Jeter.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 16:24:20 +0000

Derek Jeter makes 500 trillion dollars a year and now he’s going to marry Minka Kelly. And you guys don’t want Socialism? (Yeeeah!)
Jennifer Aniston nips out for Elle. Fashionably sharp, old girl. (CityRag)
Even Anderson Cooper can’t hide the vitriol when it comes to indulging Heidi Montag’s poppycockery. (Gone Hollywood)
Gerard Butler slapped a dog. And he liked it. The taste of its treat-tinged dog spit. (The Blemish)
Kirsten Dunst has been sinking her fangs into several 12-packs of Stroh’s. (Fatback)
Constipated and sober? Kill two birds with one stone with a beer bong in your butt! Dunst, take notes. (College Candy)
Miranda Kerr goes blonde; gets paid to hold a bottle and stand around. (CelebSlam)
Megan Fox as Catwoman? Naw, it’s just a rumor. Still, feel free to make that inevitable “pussy” joke here, if you are so inclined. (Anything Hollywood)
Britney Spears and Russell Brand VMA Awards promo video. We didn’t watch it. Why not? Just we’re just that fuckin’ cool. (Amy Grindhouse)
It sounds as if Avril Lavigne will soon be divorcing her troll-like Canadian husband, and he’ll be free to live under bridges and torment the Billy Goats Gruff once again. (Celebrity Mound)
Something for the ladies: Robert Pattinson shower curtain. Because there’s nothing like the glower of a handsome vampire bearing down on you when you’re washing your ass crack. (Allie Is Wired)

God’s Handiwork in Playboy Again

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 15:55:38 +0000

Remember when gun-toting, fame-fellating reality cretin Heidi Montag posed for Playboy, and did not technically get naked? Well, all you Heidi fans (hi, Spencer Pratt) out there may have one more chance. It sounds as if she’s gearing to haul her nuggets before the camera once again. According to US Weekly,

“Always leave them asking for more,” [Montag] said on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show Tuesday. “Next time, I’ll have more to reveal.” Asked if she has a two- or three-part Playboy deal, she coyly replied, “Maybe.”

Though many of the photos were racy, she said she didn’t feel she compromised her Christianity. “For me personally, I feel like God created the body, and the body is beautiful,” she said. “The way God created us was naked. So I am not ashamed of it. I’m proud of it… This was such a blessed experience.”

That’s a nice way to look at it. After all, our glorious Father did create Heidi’s sexy body. Except for the tits. Those are by Dr. Michael J. Schechter.

Gross Topic of the Day: Heidi Montag’s Orgasms

Agent E. — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 16:12:08 +0000

Some days we just want to watch you suffer. That’s why today is filled with Hannah Montana’s cherries, tales of Jon and Kate, and now Heidi Montag’s sex life. Yay! Maybe if you’re lucky we can scare up a story about Denise Richards’s bowel movements. Anywho, Heidi’s Playboy pics have hit the web (we won’t post ‘em due to our overwhelming fear of men in expensive suits, but you can see them at Hollywood Tuna), and—surprise!—there’s no actual nudity. Maybe, MAYBE, a tiny bit of butt crack, but not really. But the accompanying interview, that shit’s gold. If by “gold” we mean “horribly disgusting piles of upchucked sweet corn.” If you don’t want to know what a wonderful, expert lover Spencer Pratt is, stop reading now. If you do want to know, you’ve got moxie, kid. Spencer conducted the Playboy interview, in which Heidi said:

You know, I was never very sexual before I met you, Spencer. I knew what sex was, but when I met you I entered into a whole new realm of understanding, from fantasy to love. Or to experience a day with 20 or 30 orgasms. Before you, sex was just something that happened. Now it’s something I look forward to every minute of the day . . . it makes me want to try every new thing, doing it all kinds of ways — indoors, outdoors, upside down.

Man, 20 to 30 times a day? How do they find the time? We’d think that famewhoring would take up at least 90% of their day. Maybe that deal they made with the devil included erasing the need for sleep.

Follow us on Twitter and maybe we’ll tell you how many orgasms we have a day. Probably not. But we will definitely tell you how many craps we take a day.

Heidi Montag Is a Work of Tart

Agent E. — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 14:47:22 +0000

Chances are there’s maybe one dude reading this right now who’s thinking, “Man, I’ve just gotta know whether or not Heidi Montag really gets naked in the next issue of Playboy. She is so smoking hot and not at all the most annoying person on the planet.” Sure, that’s a big maybe, but if that one guy is out there, we’ve just got to say sorry. We don’t know yet. But what we do know is that Heidi’s Playboy pics are better art than any of that shit Picasso ever did. Dude was such a hack. Or so says Spencer Pratt, art critic. Sayeth the Pratt:

[The photos are] beautiful art. Not, like, Picasso art – real beautiful art, you know what I’m saying?

[Playboy] kind of had a vision… and we brought in Matthew Rolston, who is a very well-known, amazing photographer. So, it’s more art.

Decades from now, art museums will finally see the light and throw big ol’ turds like Guernica and The Old Guitarist right in the trash bin and replace them with giant nudes of Heidi Montag. There will also be monuments to her beauty in every town square, and America will be renamed Heidionia.

Her Name Is Mud

Agent E. — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 15:55:34 +0000

We still do not care about Heidi Montag. We don’t care whether or not she’s naked in the new issue of Playboy. Maybe she is and we’ll get to mock her falsies and learn whether or not her pubes are waxed into a portrait of Spencer Pratt. That might be funny. But likely she’s not really naked. She’s probably wearing a bra but no panties, holding a Bible over her snatch, with that “Oops, you caught me” look on her face. Although that might take acting skills to pull off, so maybe not. Either way, don’t really care. Nope. Can’t make us. But we will show you this pic of Heidi at the premiere of G.I. Joe showing off her Playboy cover. Why was she at the premiere of G.I. Joe? Dunno. Maybe it stinks so much that no real celebrities were willing to sully their names by attending. No such concerns with this one. Also, why is she covered in mud on the cover? Also don’t know, but there must be some sort of metaphor in there somewhere. Just please don’t make us think this through. We could be thinking about the new cast of Tool Academy.

Sometimes we love celebrities, but sometimes we hate them. Either way, we talk about them on Twitter. Join us, won’t you?

CNW Junk Drawer: Heidi Montag Twatt

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 18:41:37 +0000

You WILL see Heidi Montag nude in Playboy. Just what you always wanted! (Yeeeah!)
Hands off the Brad Pitt. Do not touch the Brad Pitt. That means you, Ann Curry. (Anything Hollywood)
When Megan Fox gets a manicure, she actually gets a pedicure. Get it? No? Click on the link then, Einstein. (The Blemish)
Real Madrid soccer dude Cristiano Ronaldo allegedly let Paris Hilton handle his balls. (The Hollywood Gossip)
Aw, Britney found a nice boy. (Drunken Stepfather)
Cher’s kid, Chastity Bono, is transitioning into a dude. You go Chaz. P.S. Insert obligatory “gonna have a Bono” joke here. (Bitten and Bound)
Part Gollum, part Grinch, and allllllll sexy: Phil Spector without his wig(s). (CelebWarship)
Usher and his wife are splitzo. (Pop on the Pop)
Sandra Bullock likes her tits. Heeeeeey, so do we! BFFS!!!! (Daily Stab)

CNW Junk Drawer: Two of Hearts

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 17:59:19 +0000

Mel Gibson takes his new Russian mistress out on the town. She’s not the same Russian lady named Oksana that was earlier claimed, but this one is still hot, in an odd, Stacey Q kind of way. (Yeeeah!)
Want to hear Julia Roberts say “tits”, “ass” and “fuck” about a million times? (Fatback)
Lauren Conrad is leaving The Hills. Well, see ya. (CelebWarship)
Heidi Montag in Playboy? Down, boys. No, literally. Down. Your penises. (Daily Stab)
Britney gets a permanent restraining order on Sam Lufti, which is kind of like erecting an electric fence around her. (Anything Hollywood)
Huge A-list star Pamela Anderson attends the opening of a strip club, much like your cousin Tammy after a meth binge. (Drunken Stepfather)

Mr. and Mrs. Useless

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:50:22 +0000

We normally have a strict "no Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt stories" rule that we follow to the letter, but since today's a very slow news day, here you go. Heidi and Spencer got married this weekend. Legitimately , this time. And from the looks of this picture, the couple got started on the honeymoon early. Get it? Do you get it? Hahahaha, seriously, GET IT????? It's because she's let her hair down in loose carefree waves befitting the casual style of a new bride relaxing on her honeymoon, see.

Heidi and Spencer: The Definition of Integrity

Agent E. — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 18:17:19 +0000

This picture is about as sincere as that lap dancer who always says to you, "You're so hot. You're the hottest guy I've ever given a lap dance to, honest. If it weren't against the rules, I would definitely have sex with you, stud. But you don't want me to get fired, do you?"

An Ass Shows off Her Ass

Agent E. — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 17:08:55 +0000

Is there a point to either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt? Do they exist just to make us feel better about ourselves? "Sure, I just punched that little boy in the face and stole his ice cream cone, but at least I'm not Heidi or Spencer. Man, those people are assholes." Is there one person on earth who does not harbor extreme hatred of them? Hell, even their parents talk about what cunts they are. But our readers love them some ass, and Heidi's got one, so when she's sticking it in the air saying "C'mere big boy" we'll post it. But we won't feel good about ourselves. Oh, and we hear that the world's two biggest douches are looking for their own reality show. Sorry, guys, but the "fake and disgusting" category is going to soon be dominated by Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin. Better luck next year.