ï Christina Milian upskirt. No labes, plenty of moundage. (Bossip)

ï Britney Spears visits elementary school; gently lays boob on 4th grader's arm. (Cityrag)

ï Megan Fox describes herself as a "man with a vagina". (Daily Stab)

ï Diora Baird in Maxim. Thanks for photoshopping those nipples out, Maxim. We almost got turned on there for a second. (Derek Hail)

ï Heather Locklear's DUI arrest was maybe a frame job! Dun dun DUN! (Bitten and Bound)

ï Top 10 sexiest Keeley Hazell videos of all time. (Unibrow)

ï Veronica, why are you pulling my dick? ME, and Martha DUMPTRUCK? Because I can be. Get crucial, she was dialing suicide hotlines in her diapers. Holy shit, we'll CRUCIFY her! Shannen "Heather Duke" Doherty spreads her gams and holds a bottle of cider over her poon for Details. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Jessica Simpson gives good blow-up doll face. (Fatback)

A resident reported Heather was "driving erratically" while pulling out of a parking lot. The California Highway Patrol then found Locklear's car parked on a state highway and blocking a lane. After talking with her, the officer determined she was under the influence of something and arrested her. She was tested for drugs and alcohol. As we first reported, law enforcement tells us alcohol was not a factor. They are conducting drug tests. She was released without having to post bail."

So she gets through seven years of marriage to Tommy Lee, and only gets popped for substance issues after she hooks up with Jack Wagner. What a world! What a world.

Heather shows it off at MrSkin.com.

ï David Duchovny was scared that wife Tea Leoni would give him a beatdown when she saw his makeout scene with Gillian Anderson in the X-Files movie. Guess we can assume she's never seen Californication. (FemaleFirst)

ï Nick Hogan turns 18 on Sunday. That means big boy jail! Yayyy! Sooo big! (Allie Is Wired)

ï Despite the pap songs, the fishbelly complexion, and the castrato voice, being James Blunt is kind of sweet. (Cityrag)

ï More details about Batman giving his batmom a batshove. (Yeeeah!)

ï Heather Locklear has been successfully rehabilitated. Locklear v. 2.0 ready for deployment. (The Blemish)

ï Amy Winehouse wants at least five children with cracky, smacky husband Blake. Though since he's just been sentenced to 27 months in jail, that might be difficult outside of conjugal visits. (CelebWarship)

ï Two weeks post-birth, and Nicole Kidman's gut is flatter than yours. The world is a vampire. (Hollywire)

ï Gabrielle Reece shoves her volleyballs into a bikini top. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Picture it. 2008. Estelle Getty dies at her home. We'll miss you, Sophia Petrillo. (PopCrunch)

ï Britney Spears sex tape caps? We dunno, dudes. No Bagel Bite residue on anything, so . . . (Yeeeah!)

ï Mario Lopez kissed Fergie and lived to tell the tale. (Hollywire)

ï Heather Locklear just checked herself before she wrecked herself. Naw, she checked herself into a clinic to deal with depression and other psychological issues. (Faded Youth)

ï Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and bustin' loose! Lock up your crack pipes and your Final Net! (CelebWarship)

ï Hugh Hefner banged a lot of dames. And his sister-in-law. And a dude. (Celebridiot)

ï In case you were wondering, Jennifer Lopez is still a joyless harridan asshole. (D-listed)

ï Pam Anderson bares her teeth, growls, and emits a fountain of champagne from her tit. (Cityrag)

ï Anne Hathway's now-ex boyfriend just got popped for posing as the Vatican's financial officer. Ahahaha, whatta cutup! (Daily Stab)

ï Katherine Heigl ditches the Huggabunch bikini in favor of the Rainbow Brite one. And pairs her UV rays with a few long hard drags off a cigarette. Cancerlicious! (Drunken Stepfather)

(Images via Egotastic! and Hollywood Tuna.)

Naked Denise is at MrSkin.com.

And of course, check out Heather while you're there.

ï Kate Beckinsale does Anna Karina for Mean magazine. Eat your tits out, Lohan-as-Marilyn! (Popbytes)

ï Kate Moss models. She doesn't model clothes, though, since it seems she's not wearing any. (Egotastic!)

ï Mischa Barton's recent DUI charges haven't affected the buoyant spirits of her side boob much. (Taxi Driver)

ï Star Jones is set to divorce husband Al Reynolds, because she "felt Al had spent their marriage riding her success while she did all the heavy lifting". Either that, or Al spent their marriage riding hot, oiled-up dudes who look like they do a lot of heavy lifting. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Some yahoo called 911 on Heather Locklear and told them she was going to kill herself. Denise Richards, you prankster. (CelebWarship)

ï Heath Ledger never updated his will to include Michelle Williams or baby Matilda. (Celebridiot)

ï Button, button, who's got the button? Patricia Heaton sure doesn't. WTF? (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Jenna Jameson dresses up as Bettie Page for PETA. "I'd rather get donkey-punched after ATM than wear fur!" makes for a pleasant catchphrase. (The Blemish)

ï Janet Jackson has been hospitalized with the flu. Much more plausible than "Exhaustion", to be sure. (I'm Not Obsessed)

ï Rebecca Romijn's lettuce heads. They're ripe, they're healthy, they're shilling for mall-slut store Bebe! (Popoholic)

Note the buttery, silken blonde hair, the toned physique. Gaze with wonder upon the finespun bones in her delicate ankles. Thrill to the buoyant youthfulness of her high-water chair cheeks. Is it Paris Hilton? Tara Reid? Jessica Simpson? No, gentle reader. And the answer as to who exactly this mysterious, shadowy, tight-duffed lady is may surprise you. Unless you're looking at the list of "Related Topics" underneath this entry. Shit! Stop! Oh, you looked. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. The surprise is ruined. Do you also read the last page of a new book first and did you peek in your parents' closet to check out your Christmas presents?

Oh, dip! It's Heather Locklear! She's like 71!

You might be asking yourself, "Why, at the advanced age of 103, does Heather Locklear have such an awesomely taut little morsel of a bum and why, at the advanced age of 103, is she wearing a whisper-thin tank over visible bra straps paired with leopard print heels and a diaphanous Stevie Nicks skirt that does nothing to hide her seamless underwear?" Well, friend, the real question posed here is why aren't YOU wearing such things? Did we just blow your mind?

Get yourself together and look at more pictures of Heather's commendable fashion choices here.

Heather never ages. Go to MrSkin.com and see for yourself, smart guy.

"Denise was at home minding her own business the other day when she heard Bon Jovi's 'Livin' on a Prayer' playing from the street outside. She peeked through a window and saw Heather and a girlfriend in her car with the song blasting. Heather and her friend thought their prank was hilarious. Denise called the stunt 'very high school.'"

We're gonna go ahead and call bullshit on this one. Throughout this whole hilarious trainwreck, Denise has been shifty and shady while Heather has been fairly mellow. Also, Heather is around 67 years old and not likely to engage in such juvenile behavior. And at any rate, if Heather had chosen to punk Denise via Bose, she would have chosen "You Give Love a Bad Name" over "Livin' on a Prayer" any old day. "We gotta hold on to what we got" over "No one can save you, the damage is done"? Puh-leez.

MrSkin.com is affiliated with Team Heather.

And yet, also affiliated with Team Denise.

Stern asked Stamos if he'd thought Teri Hatcher has had too much plastic surgery. Stamos replied:

"Yeah, you know sheís ok. I actually saw her the other night, we were at that Ryan Seacrest thing and she came out and kept trying to kiss me in front of all of the cameras."

John was apparently involved with Denise Richards post-Charlie and pre-Richie. He said:

"The truth was weíre really good friends and when she was going through her divorce, I was there for her. We had dated you know years before for a while. This time around was just kind of a fast thing and she was going through a hard time. I felt bad that we couldnít continue on, but it was a bad timing thing. Sheís a great mom and sheís a very hands-on mom, you know, and dating women with kids is tough."

And just call him Richie Stamboros, because he almost had Heather Locklear in her prime, too:

I met her one time and we got really drunk and she asked me to go up to her room with her. But I was a kid and she was getting me plastered, we were playing quarters and by the end I couldnít even hit the quarter on the table. So she said why donít you come up to my room in a few minutes, Iím going to take a shower, and I was like yeah, you know, Iím going to do this. The next thing I remember, I woke up with barf all over my room and security was pounding on the door because I had to get to the show. I was in my own room, I just missed the whole thing!

And speaking of being too drunk to hump, John mentined that he had also done it with Brat Pack era Demi Moore, but he could barely remember the act due to his drug use at the time. See, Nancy Reagan had it all wrong when she waged a war on drugs. Her slogan should have been "Don't Do Drugs Because You Will Get to Have Sexual Intercourse With Incredibly Sexy and Rich Hollywood Starlets But Then You Won't Remember It So Basically It's Like You Never Banged Them in the First Place." Which doesn't have the same memorable ring to it as "Just Say No," we admit. But it probably would have been much more effective. Guess we'll never know. Thanks a lot, Nancy Reagan.

Teri Hatcher's hairy snatcher at MrSkin.com.

Denise: also there, also naked.

Heather Locklear's there.

And wouldn't ya know it, so's Demi.