Guy Ritchie might not have been overly happy about the news that Madonna is now living with her toyboy lover – but he hit back in spectacular fashion last night.

Not to be outdone, the Sherlock Holmes director hit the town last night with Australian supermodel Elle Macpherson. He took the 44-year-old bachelorette – known in her heyday as The Body – for dinner at the Notting Hill Brasserie.

Guy and Elle must have had a lot to talk about, as the pair stayed in each otherís company until 12.30am – leaving separately to avoid being photographed together. And judging by the smirks on their faces, the night went rather well.

Which would you rather yell out in the boudoir: "The Body" or "Jesus"? Check and mate.

The Madonna-Guy Ritchie divorce might already be settled, with Guy telling Madonna she can keep her Kabbalah coin all to herself.

According to a report in the Daily Mail, Madge won't pay out a penny or a pound of her $500 mil fortune to Guy, but their sons (David and Rocco) will split their time between London and New York. An announcement on the settlement could come by the end of the month, says a source.

We've been told Guy could still do pretty well in the divorce — since Brit divorce law says he's due half.

You may have noticed that this isn't the type of story we usually cover, since it's all filled with happy endings and no one said anything stupid. So you caught us. It was a ruse. The real reason for this post? To show you that thing Madonna is pretending is a dress. That, my friends, is the reason the Weed Whacker was invented. Someone please give her a trim before some socialite's purse-dwelling chihuahua pees on her.


See Madonna nude at MrSkin.com.

ïUnder no circumstances should they read newspapers, magazines, or be allowed to watch TV or DVDs.
ïThey must adhere at all times to a macrobiotic, vegetarian, organic diet with no processed or refined food.
ïAll water they drink, even when it is to dilute organic juice, should be Kabaalah water (Mountain spring blessed by leaders of the Kabbalah religion she follows).
ïThey should wear the clothes Madonna has sent with them on the flight. If they need to be bought anything, they should not contain man-made fibres.
ïTheir hands should be regularly cleaned with disinfectant spray if they are in public places.
ïThey should not be bought toys which are spiritually or ethically unsound.
ïGuy should not discuss the separation with them.
ïMadonna should have phone contact with the boys as much as three or four times a day at times set by her.
ïThey boys should not be introduced to Guy's new friends, especially any new female friends he has attracted since the separation.
ïMadonna has encouraged the access to give him time with the boys, rather than his parents spending large amounts of time with the boys.
ïThe boys should not be photographed with Guy. It is his responsibility to organise security so that does not happen.
ïAt bedtime, Guy should read David the English Rose books Madonna wrote.

We think it's telling that the story is accompanied by photos of Guy greeting Rocco and David at the airport, a clear breach of rule #11. So we can only assume that they left Heathrow and went on a shopping trip to purchase toy guns and Jesus figurines (for target practice) and a whole shitload of polyester underwear that they could wear (with nothing else) for the remainder of the trip. Then they went to meet one of Daddy's "special friends" before Guy shipped them off to Granny and Grampy's house, where the boys watched nonstop TV, read Boy's Life and Highlights, rubbed their hands in dog shit without washing them, ate a bunch of pesticide and GMO-laden burgers and fries, and drank lukewarm tapwater. Then when Guy returned at bedtime he began to read: "The English Roses. A children's story. Written by a dirty whore who should get herpes and fall off a balcony." Way to find a quick route to making Guy the best dad ever, Madge. Now excuse us, we're on our way to buy a "Team Guy" t-shirt. Those things are still hip, right?


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Madonna tried to control Guy Ritchie with a "marriage contract", it has been claimed. The "contract" was drawn up after the couple – who split after nearly eight years of marriage two weeks ago – visited marriage counsellors two years ago.

According to Britain's The Sun newspaper the document ordered Guy to "Work to enrich his wife's emotional and spiritual wellbeing," and devote time to reading texts related to Kabbalah, the mystical offshoot of Judaism which Madonna follows.

On sex, the marriage rules state both of the couple should "devote time to our sexual expressiveness" and "not use sex as a stick to beat one another".

The rules also detailed how Guy should "resolve conflicts in a constructive way", and if they were arguing he must not shout at his wife, but look her in the eye and say: "I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this."

A source close to the couple said: "Guy felt bound up."

Who can blame him. We, too would be completely constipated. Especially after a hearty beating with that sinister-sounding fuckstick.

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Madonna has offered Guy Ritchie an additional £5million to dictate his access rights to their three children.

The singer has agreed to increase the lump sum cash payment he will get in their divorce from £15million to £20million if he backs down from a court battle over Lourdes, 12, Rocco, eight, and David Banda, three.

Legal sources said last night that Mr Ritchie would be well-advised to take the offer since Madonna as their mother would be seen as primary carer.

As such, a British judge would most probably rule the children should live with her in New York rather than in England with Guy.

'Madonna has said to Guy that if she ups the money, then would he agree to her setting out the access for the children until they turn 18. What she is basically saying is that if Guy wants this to go to court, she will get what she wants anyway.

'Basically she is offering a cash incentive to him to encourage an amicable out-of-court agreement over the children.. Madonna is keen to give Guy good access to the children – but on her terms,' a source said.

'Guy wants the children to be educated in Britain – especially his beloved Rocco – but his lawyers will be advising him that if Madonna moves to New York and wants the children with her, a judge is likely to agree.'

But, you know, it really doesn't matter what Guy says, as Madonna is totally the second coming of Christ and should be able to do pretty much anything she wants. As long as she doesn't piss off a bunch of Jews with nails. That might not be good. The rag continues:

The Mail has learned that Guy finally decided the marriage was over during one particular bizarre exchange with his wife at their Marylebone house where she claimed to be 'bigger than Jesus'.

Said a friend: ''The argument happened at the Marylebone house. Madonna had been moaning about his lack of support and lack of interest in what she has doing with Kabbalah.

'She told Guy she did not understand why she was ridiculed by the press for what she was doing with the religion. But Guy just reacted quite sarcastically and told her to "get over herself".

'And that's when it got a bit surreal. Madonna said that her destiny had been mapped out and that she had been chosen to live this life.

'She said the reason why she is a living icon is that she had been chosen to be a spiritual guru. To which Guy turned around and said 'Listen love, you're just a singer'.

'And it was then she turned around to him and said: "Listen baby, I'm bigger than Jesus'".

'Guy was dumbfounded. At that point, he realised that he really had lost her to the Kabbalah. From that point on, Guy felt totally alienated from Madonna. She made him feel that he was beneath her. To make matters worse, that had been one of the few times they had been together in recent months and it was spoiled by that argument.'

The source went on: 'Guy truly believes that Madonna is deluded and lives in a fantasy world ñ particularly also when it comes to her age.

'When Madonna turned 50 for example, she felt her biological age was only 35 so they went ahead as if it was a 35th birthday'.

Now we finally understand Madonna's cruel act of canceling Christmasógirl's just jealous that so many people insist on celebrating the birth of Christ but Madgemas was a huge disaster.


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ï Mary-Kate Olsen gets in an accident with an El Pollo Loco truck. Oh, sweet irony. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Guy Ritchie wastes no time–he's allegedly hooking up with actress Kelly Reilly, who has red hair and almost certainly does not resemble gristle. (Celebitchy)

ï Britney Spears debuts some dance moves, gives us a teasing slice of midriff. Oh, you little minx. (Cityrag)

ï WAG Amanda Carraway will get seedy for Playboy. Get it? Seed? Ha ha ha? Yes? (Hollywire)

ï Kim Kardashian gives boyfriend Reggie Bush some TLC in the hospital. TLC meaning Titanic Leviathan Can. (Bitten and Bound)

ï Former Atomic Kitten and present UK reality harlot Kerry Katona is very sober and articulate in a new interview. (The Blemish)

ï This one time, Alyson Hannigan stuck a flute up her pussy. And the flute got her pregnant! Mazel tov. (Pop on the Pop)

ï Nick Hogan's out of jail! Christ, we're SO EXCITED! Nick Hogan RULES! HE RULES!!!! (Derek Hail)

Madonna and Guy Ritchie didn't have sex for 18 months as their marriage crumbled.

The couple – who announced last week they were separating, ending months of rumours – reportedly didn't get close beneath the sheets because the 'Hung Up' singer was too tired for love due to her gruelling daily 4-hour workouts.

A friend close to the pair said: "Guy got more and more frustrated as she spent nearly half the day exercising. When she did eventually get home she'd be too tired to make love.

"When the cracks first started to show, Guy would plead with her to spend more time with him but she wouldn't. She'd insist she did her four-hour workout. They've been apart so much in the last two years that their opportunities to make love would have been fairly limited. They've also been in separate rooms a lot after big rows so there wasn't any chance to make up."

It has also been claimed that Guy, 40, found 50-year-old Madonna's super-toned body a turn-off, and yearned for the soft, womanly curves she had when they first fell in love after meeting in 1999.

The 'RocknRolla' director is reported to have confided in a friend he was finding his superstar star spouse less attractive the more fitness obsessed she became.

The pal told Britain's News of the World newspaper: "After a few drinks one evening, Guy said it was like cuddling up to a piece of gristle. All the soft feminine tones had been replaced by the build of an athlete."

Guy might like a nice marble of fat, but it seems that Alex Rodriguez likes the challenge of stringy, chewy meat. Apparently A-Rod and Madge are still hitting it, and she wants him to put a fetus in her half-century-old uterus. According to the Daily Mail:

Madonna, 50, is hoping she can have a natural child with Rodriguez, despite her age.

The singer is planning her future with the American baseball player, it emerged last night.

There is no suggestion that Madonna has to date had a physical relationship with Rodriguez.

However, a friend said: 'She thinks he's physically a great specimen. And if she is going to have another child, he would be the ideal man to bring one to her.'

Yeah, we don't believe this story AT ALL. What's more likely is that Madonna will see A-Rod's kids, stick her special "I claim this child in the name of Madonna" flag in them, and make them start calling her Mommy. Pregnancy is just too time consuming.


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Madonna's spokeswoman says the singer and her husband, filmmaker Guy Ritchie, will divorce after 7 1/2 years together.

A statement e-mailed to The Associated Press from spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg says the couple has agreed to divorce, and asks the media to respect their privacy.

The statement, co-signed by Ritchie's representative, says the couple had not agreed to a settlement.

So who will Madonna sink her punishing deltoids into next? Let's hope it's someone like Jean-Claude Van Damme. Not only would that be entertaining, but it'd be interesting to hear Madonna start speaking with a Belgian accent.

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