ï Britney backed out of Cyndi Lauper's True Colors tour after she found out that "performing" meant "actually singing". "I cain't do that, y'all!" (A Socialite's Life)

ï Like Paris, we love TMZ. Because not only do they post a picture of the reunited Spice Girls, they include a poll asking you to pick the ugliest. Yay! (TMZ)

ï Paris Hilton told Larry King that she's never, ever done drugs. Because weed is a vegetable. (Evil Beet)

ï Hayden Panettiere. She acts, she sings, she licks stuff. (Derek Hail)

ï George Michael refuses to have an HIV test. That is careless, much like his whispers of yore. (RTE)

ï When it comes to celebrities having large bags of silicon-oxygen polymers surgically placed inside their chest cavities, only one can be the victor and bring home the "shittiest implants title". (Cityrag)

ï Megan Fox continues her unstoppable run of lookin'-over-my-shoulder-hey-check-out-my-wikkid-tatz red carpet posery. (Popoholic)

ï Cops + racial statements = hijinks. No, not Mel Gibson . . . Vivica A. Fox! Speaking of terrible breast implants. (TMZ again)

ï MK and Ashley Olsen are at loggerheads over Mary-Kate's mean boyfriend, Max Snow, who Ashley says puts down and mistreats her sister. MK says he often gets nasty, but it always blows over. Snow . . . blow . . . yeah. (FemaleFirst)

ï Avril Lavigne apologizes for hawking loogs on the Pavarotti, stating that she'd never spit on her fans. No, she'll just flip them off and cuss them out.

ï Well, Jordan's obviously got her cell phone on "vibrate".

ï There's another warrant out for Bobby Brown's arrest–he owes two months' worth of back child support, totalling $11,000. Oh please, they can't expect Bobby Brown to scrape up that kinda scratch these days.

ï Mischa Barton's shirt says "Drop knowledge, not bombs". But what she's really dropping is a big ole doo log of an outfit.

ï Carmen Electra poses for some nice "F U, Dave" shots.

ï The "Marie Antoinette Association" of France are hopping mad about Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the queen in Sofia Coppola's new film, helpfully titled Marie Antoinette. A spokesperson for the association hisses, "I've seen the trailer for the film on the internet. It is a fright. We've spent years trying to convince people that the queen was not just a libertine who told the starving to eat cake. What do you see on the trailer? You see Marie Antoinette eating cake. You see her lying naked on a chaise longue. I fear the film is going to set us back many years." God, just think of all the advancements these people have made by dressing up in powdered wigs and sending out mimeographed newsletters . . . down the drain! All those hours spent planning historical reenactment dinners–wasted! And just wait until people see the movie and actually believe that Marie Antoinette was a fang-toothed California blonde who listened to New Order! It'll be anarchy! Civil war! Innocents will be slaughtered! Pestilence will sweep the land! Sacre bleu!

"We were called by a member of the public to a man seen slumped over the steering wheel of a car. Police spoke to the 42-year-old man. A search revealed what are believed to be controlled substances. He was subsequently arrested."

Frankly, we were surprised that it was the effects of grass that made old George zonk out at the wheel. We automatically assumed that his sculpted 5 o'clock scruff had reached critical mass nearing the 2 A.M. hour and had completely grown over his eyes.