I would rather have a rectal examination on live TV by a fellow with cold hands than have a Facebook page.

Yeah, we always suspected George had a hard time letting go of Make Out Club and moving on to the new trends.

We have much lower standards than Clooney. So check out our Facebook page!

DON'T sit George Clooney next to former romance model Fabio. On Friday, Clooney and gal pal Sarah Larsen were having dinner at L.A. eatery Madeo next to Fabio and a group of women. All was well until one of Fabio's pals started taking pictures of her friends. According to numerous eyewitnesses, Clooney, assuming the woman was taking snaps of him, asked her to stop – prompting Fabio to explain that the shots were of his group, not Clooney, and to tell the superstar, "Stop being a diva." Clooney started arguing back, and he and Fabio then got into a shoving match. "The waiters broke it up before it got out of hand," a witness told In Touch. Clooney then paid his check and left before finishing his meal. According to another In Touch witness, Ron Marotto, "George looked annoyed when Fabio went to his table. George stood up, dropped the F-bomb and then went to push him . . . George was drinking . . . He wasn't drunk, but he certainly wasn't stone sober, either." Fabio's manager told the magazine, "George is lucky he didn't end up in the ER." Clooney's rep declined to comment to Page Six.

We imagine that a fight between Fabio and the Cloon would be pretty well matched, as each would be too frightened of messing up their manicure to go too far. But we also think that Fabio has a secret weapon. Why else would he persist with the flowing romance-novel locks if they didn't possess the ability to transform into dozens of tiny whips that could lash at an offender's face until he was bloody and unrecognizable?

[George Clooney] recently installed an egg-throwing machine at his mansion on Italyís ritzy Lake Como. The machine, which the hunky actor helped design, hurls rag eggs at those who cross an infrared sensor in front of his 15-bedroom Villa Oleandra. ìHeís thrilled with it,î says a source, ìand has told his Italian staff to give him daily updates on what happens to the worst offenders!î

This is a vast improvement on his former security system, which consisted of his groundskeeper Sal eating a pot of baked beans and then stumbling up to any intruders and requesting that they pull his finger. You're moving up in the world, Clooney, moving on up.

ï Drummer gets pounded: Meg White sex tape? We say not her, but here's a challenge: if someone can find and send us a picture of Meg wearing the "D" necklace featured in the hump flick, we will believe. (Derek Hail)

ï George Clooney suffering from road rash. "Road rash" to become the new "exhaustion". (A Socialite's Life)

ï Salma Hayek laid her hot bod down, spread her sexy thighs wide, and . . . pooped out a squalling baby. Mazel tov! (Yeeeah!)

ï So now Marcia didn't finger Jan? What a rip! (Dlisted)

ï Here are things Lindsay Lohan has destroyed: countless bottles of Grey Goose, cars, her own career, and now, some dude's marriage. (IMDb)

ï Angelina Jolie is planning on burying the hatchet with dad Jon Voight. Maybe now, he'll finally learn Zahara's name. (FemaleFirst)

ï Maria Menounos nearly bares her two-nos. (Taxi Driver)

ï Lindy Loho has cancelled her 21rst birthday blowout. Instead, she'll celebrate by chugging Listerine in the Wonderland bathroom. Aw, that was mean. Sorry, Linds. (Celebitchy)

ï Beyoncekini! Beyoncekini! (Cityrag)

ï Jessica Alba poses sexily for Arena; still talking about how she hates being sexy. (Derek Hail)

ï Yes, random stripper, we totally believe that you had a deep and meaningful love affair with George Clooney. (Allie Is Wired)

ï Jessica Simpson: back to blonde and Pam Andersonesque proportions. Let us celebrate. (Egotastic!)

GEORGE CLOONEY and PAMELA ANDERSON have become Hollywood's most unlikely couple after the pair was spotted frolicking together on a romantic, fun dinner date.

The Oscar winner booked a private room at Sherman Oaks, California restaurant the Valley Inn, and entertained the former BAYWATCH babe there on 7 January (07), according to reports.

And since that evening, which ended with Anderson sitting on her date's lap, the odd couple has been spotted out and about, enjoying dog walks together.

A pal says, "George and Pam have been determined to keep this one quiet."

My word, they were frolicking! How uncouth! The next thing you know they will be making merry, expressing their whimsy, and taking part in all manner of tomfoolery. We must nip this in the bud before it goes too far and George gets Pam's plastic surgeon in on one of his classic practical jokes, ending in Pam's bazooms squirting water at innocent passersby like they're Supersoakers.

Pammy shows the good bits at MrSkin.com.

And the Cloonman can be found at MaleStars.com.

The actress had been planning an intimate California wedding to Cruise for October, but recently changed the date and location, according to Us Weekly. The new plan, reports the mag, is for a more lavish bash in November ó somewhere in Italy. ìKatie and Tom both want everything to be right,î a source told the mag. ìThey needed more time.î
Holmesí pal and shopping partner Victoria ìPosh Spiceî Beckham flew from Paris to Italy on Oct. 7 to help make final preparations, according to Us. Asked to confirm the new plans, Cruiseís rep, Arnold Robinson said, ìIím not denying that date or location.î
Meanwhile, various outlets are reporting that the couple will wed at George Clooneyís villa in near Lake Como in Italy. But Clooneyís rep tells The Scoop: ìI canít speak for what Tom and Katie are up to, but no weddings have taken place at [Clooneyís] villa and no weddings are scheduled to take place there.î

It appears that on Katie's recent trip to Paris with Posh Spice, there was a bit of trouble when Victoria tried to implant Kat(i)e's last microchip. Victoria never was that good with technology (she still can't figure out how to watch all those saved episodes of America's Next Top Model on her Tivo) so when she and Kat(i)e entered the Chanel dressing room together and she attempted to open Kat(i)e's control panel and insert the chip Victoria fumbled and improperly connected some wires. Not wanting to take the chance of robot innards staining the pristine carpet of the Scientology Centre's indoctrination room, Tom opted for a change of venue, while Kat(i)e said, "Bleep, bleep, yes master, bleep, bleep."

See Katie's motherboard at MrSkin.com.

Or dig into Tom at MaleStars.com.

ï We can see right through Mischa Barton.

ï And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

ï Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

ï Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

ï Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

ï Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

ï Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

ï Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

ï The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.

ï Kate Beckinsale says she'll never get plastic surgery. Despite the fact that her boobs were named the Ugliest in Hollywood.

ï Madonna probably adopted a baby, for real this time, though. Toting around an African baby is the new Birkin bag!

ï George Clooney says he'll never run for president because he's boffed too many ladies. Insert Clinton joke here, please.

ï Amber Tamblyn's nip is Tumblyn out of her dress.

ï Et tu, Rose McGowan?

ï Finally, Johnny Depp to make an honest woman out of Vanessa Paradis! Hopefully she'll be able to get on his dental plan now.

ï Lindsay Lohan says, "It's up to me and my mom to decide if I am partying too much." Ah, yes, nothing like that tender moment between mother and daughter, when Mom gently strokes Daughter's hair and says, "Beer BEFORE liquor, sweetheart. And coke before ecstasy. And Red Bull before semen."

ï Dr. McDreamy gets McCreamed by McCastmate. We promise that's the only time you'll ever have to read the name "McDreamy" on these pages.

So, "studies" now show that having pictures of Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, and George Clooney within sight of a gynecological examination table renders patients "more relaxed" than they would be otherwise. Or so says the Toronto Fashion Monitor (the paper we always go to for cutting edge OB-GYN news):

The clinics at Leigh Infirmary, Wigan (UK) is offering expectant mothers to "lie back, relax and concentrate" on hunks like Brad Pitt and George Clooney, while they go through the intimate process of their pregnancy check-ups.

There used to be a poster of a polar bear up there, but then some patients said they would like to see pictures of men," The Daily Mail quoted a spokesperson for Wigan's NHS Trust, as saying.

Sure, everything's all fine and dandy until the splayed-leg patients come to associate stirrups and paper gowns with that picture of Brad, muscles taut and rippling, bulge gently nestled, waiting to spring, in second-skin jeans. And before you know it, they're breaking into medical warehouses to steal speculums and cervical swabs and begging their significant others to say, "You might feel a little pinch." And then we have a nation of pap smear fetishists on our hands. Thanks, Leigh Infirmary Clinic in Wigan, UK. Thanks a heap.

Thrill to new dad Brad at MaleStars.com.

Clooney's there too. You betcha.