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Lindsay Lohan Gets Sued by Science Lady

Agent E. — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 16:39:11 +0000

How far do you think Lindsay Lohan made it in school? Eighth grade maybe? So when Linds is promoting her can-tan and saying that it's her own secret special formula, no one is picturing her wearing a lab coat, pouring various orangey substances into beakers, right? You're picturing her chewing on her hair during a meeting with semi-competent-looking people asking, "Do you approve of this shade? Lindsay? Hello? Is this one OK with you?" And Lindsay responding, "Uh, sure. Whatever. Where are my smokes?" So it's no surprise that Lindsay and Sevin Nyne are being sued by an actual chemist. You, know, one who has a degree and knows about chemicals n' shit. It's a long and convoluted story involving lawyers and other scary-type people, so we'll boil it down. Lindsay's partner met with said chemist, sampled the product, then said, "Nah. I'm cool, thanks," then partnered with Lindsay, probably thinking, "Lindsay never met that scientist lady, so if we say Lindsay invented the product it'll be all cool. And totally believable," then the chemist found out and said, "No way, bitches, shit's MINE" and called her lawyer. Damn, we're good at this story summation thing. We're like the gossip equivalent of Cokie Roberts.

But in case all you care about is seeing Lindsay Lohan in a bikini, we've got you covered. She dropped by the Mr. Skin photo booth at the Silver Spoon Malibu Beach House this weekend and got all pose-y. Sure, the bikini's nice, but we can't stop looking at the hair. The red just makes us so happy. And it's really a good career move on LiLo's part. Get us thinking about The Parent Trap and Mean Girls via hair color and maybe we'll forget about Georgia Rule and the rest.

Megan Fox OK with You Almost Seeing Her Nipples

Agent E. — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 17:41:21 +0000

That Megan Fox, she's always runnin' her mouth. "I think this, and I hate that, I think this is stupid, I like weeeeeed." But sometimes she runs her mouth about cool stuff, like how she's cool with touching other girls' boobies and farting and stuff. And sometimes she talks about that one time when you, for a second, thought you were looking at Megan Fox's tits, but then you realized that you weren't. That was a sad day. But still kind of sexy, so that's cool. See, when those infamous Megan Fox nude pics (that weren't really nude, but whatever) were leaked to the internets, Meg got a little mad. And she thought about getting all suey (not as in chop, as in hiring lawyers), but then she realized that she wasn't actually naked, so it was all good. She told Entertainment Weekly (via IMDb):

I had booby stickers on. They make these silicone stickers that go on over your nipple.

If I'd been actually topless, I would have sued someone… I know who, and I never did anything about it. It's her karma to deal with, not mine.

See, usually we would be mad about not seeing Meg's jugs, but in this case it's not so bad. It means that Megan didn't get all litigious, making the pictures go poof!, and it means that we can put the pics on our front page. Yay! Everybody wins.

And just in case you forgot what the pics look like (like if you've recently suffered blunt head trauma or something), here they are again. And, hey, it's OK to ogle them because Megan said she doesn't care. This one time we love nipple patches.

Paternity Test? Bogus.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 29 May 2009 16:48:28 +0000

When we try to imagine excellent father figures, Ted "Theodore" Logan and Neo top our list. Followed closely by Johnny Pneumonic. Which is great news for the lady in the picture to the left, because she's claiming that Keanu Reeves is the father of her four kids. 46-year-old Karen Sala of Ontario, Canada, says that she first met Reeves when she was 9 and he was 7, and at one point, she even lived with his family when she ran away from home. And sometime between age 9 and 46, she gave birth to four children that may or may not be Reeveseses, and, acting as her own lawyer (always the mark of a sane individual), she wants Keanu to jizz in a cup and pony up some cash. According to the Toronto Star:

In addition to the DNA test, Sala is seeking child support of $150,000 per month, retroactive to June 1988, as well as $3 million per month in spousal support retroactive to November 2006.

A Los Angeles spokesperson for Reeves issued a statement last night denying her allegations. "Karen Sala's allegations are completely false and absurd. Mr. Reeves has no knowledge of who she is," Cheryl Maisel said in a statement.

It would be pretty amazing to get spousal support from someone to whom you have never been married and child support for your offspring who are age 20 to 25. Good thing Sala is acting as her own lawyer. "Your honorable, I abject! Mr. Reeves is libelous for all my children. He also fathered my rat terrier, Martin, and the pepper plants in my neighbor's backyard. You're misfeeding the witness. Class dismissed!"

What's Your Job, Paris? "Uh, Bein' Purty?"

Agent E. — Thu, 07 May 2009 17:05:57 +0000

We know how things work in Hollywood. You don't have to have any actual talent or skills or do any real work if you look pretty in a fancy dress and have name recognition. We're hip to their jive. But aren't celebrities at least supposed to give us working folk the impression that they deserve all that money and fame? Not if we're talking about Paris Hilton. She just, like, does stuff, y'know. Like breathe and smile and cash checks. Although she probably has someone to do that last part for her. Because, as Jenny from the Block taught us, it takes hard work to cash checks. And hard work is bad for the skin. Anyway, Paris Hilton doesn't know what a producer does. Even though she is one. Page Six says:

PARIS Hilton is trying to prove her work ethic. The heirhead is being sued for $8.3 million by Worldwide Entertainment Group, an investor in her 2006 bomb "Pledge This!" for allegedly failing to promote the film or its subsequent DVD release. But even funnier than the thought of Hilton missing a promotional opportunity is the deposition filed this week in Miami Federal Court. Hilton claimed, "Any chance I got . . . I would just bring it up," by saying, "Oh, my new sorority film, it's going to be sexy, it's going to be really hot girls." The hotel heiress was also a producer of the film, though she doesn't really know what that job entailed. She said, "I'm not sure what a producer does, but — I don't know, help get cool people in the cast."

Ah, we get the confusion. Rick Salomon must've told Paris he was a producer when he snagged her for the small, elite cast of 1 Night in Paris.

Reparations from Miley

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 16:42:11 +0000

OK, Miley Cyrus is a mega-dummy for making the squinty face in that recent photo, but she's sixteen years old, an age when one is more concerned with deciphering the hidden meaning of Kelly Clarkson lyrics than racial sensitivity. But try telling that to Lucie Kim, some Los Angeles lady who was so devastated by Miley pulling up her eyes that she's suing for a huge chunk of cheese. TMZ says:

A Los Angeles woman has filed a class action suit against Miley Cyrus, claiming she mocked Asians in a recent photo by slanting her eyes. Price tag: $4 billion.

Lucie J. Kim claims to represent more than 1 million Asian Pacific Islanders who live in L.A. County. Kim claims when Cyrus posed for the photo, she ìknew or should have known that her image would be publicly disseminated via the media, which Cyrus knew focused on her private life, specifically TMZ.î

Kim says in the suit, filed today in L.A. County Superior Court, that each Asian Pacific Islander is entitled to the minimum damages for a civil rights violation ó $4,000. Add it up ó $4 billion!

Well, what do you expect? A picture of an undereducated clueless teenager pulling at her eyeballs is mentally devastating. We can understand how someone would look at it and be overcome with so much suffering that the only thing that could make the hurt go away is a bunch of dollars. We understand because we were so offended by this picture of Courtney Love in a bikini that we sued her and won. We got a busted breast implant with dog chew marks on it, a truckload of unsold "America's Sweetheart" CDs, and a quarter. It was a shiny quarter though!

CNW Mini Junk Drawer: "I'm Only Dating Him Because I Love You"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 17:29:17 +0000

There is NOTHING happening today. NOTHING. So, like a mom giving her child a pot and wooden spoon to play with, we're handing you some links to keep you entertained. Sorry. Don't blame us, blame the boring celebrities.

ï Alex Rodriguez is mad because Madonna's stepping out publicly with some other dude! Even though he claims he and Madge are just bros! Only Madge is saying that the new guy is just a trick to divert the media from her real romance with the Rod! Maybe they'll french! OMG! (TMZ)

ï Pam Anderson has been named the face of Vivienne Westwood's new ad campaign. And lord, we will all be in paign. (Yeeeah!)

ï Scarlett Johansson has new Cher hair (Chair?). (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Lily Allen wears a slutty sailor girl outfit with an E-Z access crotch hatch. (CelebWarship)

ï Former Britney Spears leech Sam Lutfi wants money. Lots and lots of money. He wants the pie in the sky. (The Blemish)

CNW Junk Drawer: Heroes Hottie Hayden Hoists Hoots

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 18:32:59 +0000

ï Tiny smurfling Hayden Panettiere hoists her wee hooters aloft. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï L.A. dudes in bands, hold on to your wieners–Mischa Barton is now single. (Digital Spy)

ï Samantha Ronson announces that Lohan’s boobs will become Mrs. and Mrs. Ronson soon. (The Blemish)

ï Mr. Skin kicks off the Top 50 Sexiest TV Shows list! Will Mama’s Family make the cut? (Mr. Skin)

ï Rachael Leigh Cook (”‘memba her?” – TMZ) still looks adorable, especially in her bikini. (Fatback)

ï Garbage girl Shirley Manson is a urinal. You heard us. (Cityrag)

ï Naomi Campbell plans to have babies. Great. Ever notice how a rattle is the exact length and weight of a Blackberry? (Derek Hail)

ï Everybody wants Tina Fey or Megan Mullally to do a Sarah Palin impression. But Gina Gershon’s got it covered, bikini and all. (Yeeeah!)

ï Josh Hartnett is the only man alive who plans on suing someone for saying he had hot sex in a library. Dork. (IDLYITW)

ï Anne Hathaway's scuzzo ex got sentenced to five years in the big house. And we just got sentenced to 10 minutes of masturbating to Anne naked in Havoc. Everyone wins! (CelebWarship)

ï And he shall be forever called Fishdick. (Holy Taco)

ï Kanye Wested got arrested. (Bitten and Bound)

ï VH1 is working on a new dating show starring Antonio Sabato Jr. You know who's going to be really excited about this? My sister, in 1991. (Seriously OMG WTF)

ï Look! We made a list of the "Top 100 Hilarious and Addictive Celebrity Blogs". See, we're not as bad as everyone says. (The Love Coach)

CNW Junk Drawer: Jennifer Lost Hertits

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 18:19:56 +0000

ï Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt: You can do side bends or sit-ups. But please don't lose that bust. (Faded Youth)

ï Paris Hilton is getting sued. Again. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Yesterday Jennifer Aniston broke up with John Mayer. Today she's dating Selma Blair's ex. What does tomorow bring? (Female First)

ï Mr. Skin takes to the mean streets of Chicago to uncover Hollywood's greatest ass. (MrSkin.com)

ï Let's play Kim Kardashian Ass Detective! It's funner than Cootie! (Cityrag.com)

ï Peaches Geldof and some indie rocker dude had a quickie wedding in Las Vegas. On their registry: deep V shirts, pocohontas headbands, and cocaine. (CelebWarship)

ï Angelina Jolie is Tom Cruise's understudy. (Hollywire)

ï Audrina Patridge in a bikini. We recently noted that her last name actually ISN'T "Partridge" and our minds were blown. (Fatback)

ï Hey look. It's Marilyn Manson. Or maybe that's Cher. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

Sharon Stone Sued by China

Agent E. — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 17:05:49 +0000

A bunch of earthquake victims in China are suing Sharon Stone for $1 billion for saying they deserved what they got because their government's mean or some crap. Which means that Basic Instinct 2 obviously never made it to DVD in China, if they think Sharon Stone has $1 billion. Maybe they could sue her for like fifty fur coats and a couple pairs of rhinestone bejeweled pants. She's definitely got those. The New York Post reports:

The bad "karma" keeps rolling for Sharon Stone, as more than 1,000 Chinese earthquake victims and a New York lawyer are demanding a $1 billion pay-out – or maybe just an apology.

The "Basic Instinct" star was recently served with legal papers announcing attorney Ming Hai's intention to sue her for harming Chinese people when she suggested the catastrophic quake last May was "karma" for the regime's occupation of Tibet.

"For the families who have lost their loved ones or lost limbs or suffered severe injuries, your . . . statement and act has caused extreme emotional distress," Ming wrote, citing the controversial comments Stone made at the Cannes Film Festival.

In a public apology last month, Stone, 50, said she "misspoke" and "could not be more regretful for that mistake."

So people in China earn like 12 cents a day making Hannah Montana throw pillows and crap, right? Do they even understand how much money $1 billion is? Or is them suing Sharon for $1 billion like the time our mom called us a fat whore and we shot back with, "That's defamation! I'll sue! I think $80 cluckaduckillion should cover it."

Of course you know you can see Sharon Stone nude at MrSkin.com. Go there now. Do it.

Jenny Lo Gets Sued

Agent E. — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:41:59 +0000

We love celebrity spin control. When someone is caught with a hooker or gets filmed donkey punching an old lady on a crowded street, there are always stories leaked by "inside sources" claiming that said celebrity is truly a great person, and the Starbucks barista must've put eighteen shots in their morning latte, because they would never do such a horrible thing. And then there's the eye-witness account from some bumpkin in Montana who personally saw said celebrity rescue a couple of dozen puppies from a burning building. So we say it's no coincidence that today there are two stories about Jennifer Lopez: 1) She's getting sued because her doggie bit a lady, and 2) She's a totally wonderful hands-on mom who doesn't even have nannies! She's amazing. First the legal stuff, from The New York Daily News:

A flight attendant claims Jennifer Lopez's guard dog chomped her leg on a plane trip two years ago, and now she wants to take a $5 million bite out of the singer's pocketbook.
Lisa Wilson, 40, filed a suit in Brooklyn Federal Court Thursday, alleging the attack caused her to fall and suffer back injuries that prevent her from working anymore.

The dog-bites-woman tale began July, 3, 2006, when NetJets, a private airline company, assigned Wilson to work a flight taking J.Lo to Burbank Airport in California, the suit says.

Wilson says Lopez boarded a Gulfstream IV jet at Republic Airport in Farmingdale, L.I., with Floyd, a German shepherd described in the manifest as "a well-behaved guard dog."

Just in case, Wilson, of Mary Esther, Fla., says in the court papers, Lopez gave her some instructions on how to act around Floyd.

But the suit alleges that 90 minutes into the flight, Wilson walked past Floyd, and he responded by "attacking her and biting her pant leg."

In an attempt to get away, Wilson says she "twisted and fell," injuring her lower back so badly she had to undergo surgery last year and no longer can work – "at great economic loss."

But because owning a vicious dog who incapacitates a poor woman isn't good for the rep, MSNBC also brings us this story:

Us Weekly reports that the Lopez and Anthony might still be wrapping 4-month-old Max and Emme in $100 Melissa Masse blankets, but theyíre doing so without the help of nannies. The magazine confirmed with Lopezís rep that the couple is still without outside help, even while traveling abroad. A Lopez confidant also told Us, ìThe whole 75-pieces-of-Louis-Vuitton-luggage thing is just not happening now. Ö Being a mother has completely changed Jennifer.î

Thatís a good thing: A source told Scoop that before the twins were born, Lopez had picked up a strange travel habit. ìNot even the first-class lounge was good enough for her. She kept slipping into a door inside the lounge, so people thought it was like a special VIP area,î said a traveler who witnessed the behavior on many occasions.

ìTurns out, it was just a storage closet. Give her credit for wanting to be left alone, but hiding in a storage closet? That's a little extreme.î

See, she's good people! She knows how to raise her children with only the help of an animated-skeleton husband and millions and millions of dollars. That's not easy, folks.

Jennifer shows her altruistic side by getting naked at MrSkin.com.