CelebNewsWire» Eva Longoria Archives – CelebNewsWire

Lez-perate Housewives Kiss

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 17:23:14 +0000

Well, there it is. The Desperate Housewives lesbian kiss that is bound to cause shockwaves across the nation and save the show from crap ratings. When it comes to ratings desperation plot twists, the lez lip lock is one step away from the mysterious addition of a precocious 6-year-old. Or a wisecracking but well-meaning alien and/or butler. But wow, get a load of that smooch. We wouldn't be surprised if real lesbo rumors started up about Eva Longoria and Teri Hatcher because wow, the sizzle and steam coming off this photo is palpable. We're not sure if it's the grimacing or the breath-holding or the almost visible near-dry heave, but these broads are like one step away from 69ing.

Teri Hatcher and Eva Longoria to Shock Approximately 12 Viewers with Lesbian Kiss

Agent E. — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:54:03 +0000

We had hoped that with all of the great television shows airing these days we'd surpassed the era of cheap ratings ploys. Shows don't need the likes of Brian Bonsall when they've got interesting storylines involving older, not-as-cute cast members. But the one thing the networks are holding onto is the lesbian kiss. People still want to see that, right? Right? Well, not really when it involves Teri Hatcher and Eva Longoria. Says MSNBC:

The news that Nicollette Sheridan was decamping from Wisteria Lane was the biggest gossip to come out of the ìDesperate Housewivesî world until this: Eva Longoria and Teri Hatcher are going to lock lips during an upcoming episode, according to Celebuzz.

When asked for comment, reps for the show wouldnít confirm or deny the report to Celebuzz.

Another ABC source wouldnít confirm, but noted ìanything is kind of possible right now. Youíve got 'Greyís Anatomy' and 'Private Practice' basically becoming one two-hour show (with Feb. 12's crossover episode), the longest ëDancing With the Starsí tease ever. I donít think a kiss between Eva and Teriís characters could be ruled out, especially if it keeps people interested in the show.î

Wait, if it keeps people interested? Implying that people are already interested in it? Because we're pretty sure that even the gays jumped ship in like 2005. Trick My Trucker probably pulls in more viewers than Desperate Housewives these days.

CNW Junk Drawer: Dunst You Wanna Stalk Me?

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 18:09:26 +0000

ï Kirsten Dunst has a stalker. Is it an orthodontist looking for work? Zing-a-zing-zonggg!!!! (The Superficial)

ï Elisha Cuthbert's hockey dude ex calls her "sloppy seconds". Do sloppy seconds bounce on ice? (Yeeeah!)

ï Jessica Alba's boobs like calamari! Wait, we mean Campari. (F-listed)

ï Helen Mirren goes snorkeling in a tankini. It's your move, Dame Judi. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Twilight vampire Ashley Greene just about gives you something to suck on (hint: A TIT!!!!!). (Thighs Wide Shut)

ï Eva Longoria is a smoker on the DL. Bet you anything those are Benson & Hedges 110s. (Celebitchy)

ï So Kate Moss and her unfrozen caveman boyfriend WEREN'T attacked by rogue Christmas ornaments after all. Cocaine is a hell of a drug. (The Superficial)

ï Lindsay Lohan got kicked off Facebook. That's what YOU get for not playing your Word Twist move, bitch. (Holy Moly)

ï Scout (dun DUN dun DUN) you'll be a woooomaaaaaann SOON. (Daily Stab)

ï Kristen Stewart will play Joan Jett in the new Runaways biopic. Will she be licking some ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bombs? (Anything Hollywood)

CNW Junk Drawer: Rip Off Them Spanx

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 17:38:44 +0000

ï Eva Longoria upskirts; shows off some sizzling shapewear from the Sears "Silver Fox" foundation garment collection. (Yeeeah!)

ï A plane carrying Winona Ryder was forced to make an emergency landing, presumably because she was all zorked out on goofballs. (Yeeeah!)

ï Homoeroticism on the Twilight set. Rawr! (Hollywire)

ï Despite her unending, ultra-desirable heat, Megan Fox is still planning to marry David Silver. (Daily Stab)

ï Anne Hathaway has a new boyfriend, and he's apparently as big a loser moocher as the one that's in jail. (Anything Hollywood)

ï Aw. Someone for everyone. (Holy Taco)

ï Supermodel Karolina Kurkova has no navel. Like Kyle XY. (Flisted)

ï Girl meets girl. Girl gets girl. Girl flirts with boy at club. Girl on girl catfight ensues. It's another day in the tangled, demi-gay web of Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. (The Blemish)

ï The top ten naked babes with guns. (Mr Skin)

ï Spitzer prostitute Ashley Dupre is just like you and me, except for the money for sex part. (Fatback)

Longoria No-whore-ia

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 17:58:41 +0000

Oh, we're sure this happens to everybody. It's Friday night, you're feeling a little lonely, you somehow find yourself in front of your computer browsing an online escort service and you see her. The girl of your dreams! Available for around $2500! You've seen her on Desperate Housewives, you've seen her on the sidelines of Spurs games, and now she can be YOURS! She's Eva Longoria! So you place an order, the doorbell rings and . . . it's not Eva Longoria. It's a Ukrainian runaway with a meth problem. You got clowned! TMZ scoops:

A British escort agency is pimping out a working girl named Valentina on their website (1500 pounds for an "overnight" visit). The problem — in the photo Valentina uses to advertise herself, she looks a helluva lot like Eva Longoria … because it is Eva Longoria. In fact, the same photo appears on several Eva Longoria fansites.

We wonder if Valentina comes equipped with a similar personality to Longoria. Perhaps she'll show up at your house armed with a barrel of dildos, complain that she's fat, and then insult your manhood. Erotic.

More sexy and legit pics of Eva are at MrSkin.com.

Eva Longoria Full of Sandwiches; Not Babies

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 17:35:25 +0000

Former underwear model/full-time pygmy shrew Eva Longoria fueled ongoing pregnancy rumors this weekend when she hung around Las Vegas in a dumpy tent dress, eschewing alcohol and sushi. But you can all stop looking at the Petit Tresor website and turn your bump watch radars down to a yellow alert, because Eva insists she's not knocked up, and according to IMDb, said:

"I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat. I gained 5lb over the summer so instead of a size zero, I'm a size one."

FIVE pounds? A size ONE? Well, somebody call Seattle Sutton before this massive sow causes a nationwide famine after eating the bulk of the country's food supply. Boom babba bom, oink oink oink, and so forth.

Eva Longoria Parker shows it off at MrSkin.com.

Eva Longoria Used To Wear Underwear. Or Something.

Agent E. — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:34:25 +0000

Are you a gay male aged 35 to 45 who loves nothing more than to take a few swigs of your Chablis and yell "You go, girl!" (or whatever the 2008 equivalent may be) at the TV screen every time Eva Longoria does something catty or backhanded on Desperate Housewives? Good, because that is pretty much the only demographic who will find interest in these pics of Eva from back when she was a (racy! scandalous!) lingerie model. These are about as sexy and scandalous as those Angelina Jolie teen swimsuit photos. Oh my God, she's showing stomach. Quick, honey, run and get the spare burka, we've got a harpy to save!

If you like seeing Eva Longoria in her underwear, then head right over to MrSkin.com and see craptons more.

And find more of Eva's oldies undies pics at The Superficial.

We Can See Right Through You, Eva Longoria

Agent E. — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 17:51:59 +0000

We know our readers. If our comments are to be believed, they all live in, we're guessing, India, have a minimal grasp on the English language, and love "soxy woman," "bobbs," and "neeples." We are here to serve you, oh semi-literate foreign lover of flesh. So we know that you do not want to hear about Eva Longoria "desperately" trying to have a baby (ho ho, US, you do possess the wit, don't you?). No, you want to see a picture of Eva Longoria's dark nipple desperately trying to free itself from a light-colored sheer dress. You are the master, and we are here to serve.

Eva Longoria is desperately sexy at
MrSkin.com.

More pics of Eva's Longoria's see-through dress can be had at Hollywood Tuna.

CNW Junk Drawer: Heidi Christ, Superstar

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 17:14:12 +0000

ï Reality show star/monster Heidi Montag promises to make a Christian album, compares herself to Jesus. "Because we both have really shiny hair and heal leopards," Heidi says. "That's what the poor people with zits are called, right?" (Yeeeah!)

ï Katherine Heigl downblouse cleavage shot. By the by, why is the term downblouse? What an antiquated word. We don't say "upcrinoline". Though "crack above slacks" has a nice ring to it. (Egotastic!)

ï Anne Hathaway does not heed the rap world's advice to "stop snitchin'"; snitches. (Flisted)

ï Cameron Diaz is beginning to look a bit Wildensteinian. (Cityrag)

ï Eva Longoria gets plugged. Fireplugged, that is! (The Blemish)

ï Pharrell thinks tattoos and skin are like wallpaper. (FemaleFirst)

ï Lindsay Lohan and chick chum Samantha Ronson get cutesy together. (CelebWarship)

ï Zooey Deschanel is everyone's favorite. You there. Go. Look upon her in a swimsuit. (Don't Link This)

ï Bridget the Midget's nip slip proves that not ALL of her is tiny. (Taxi Driver)

ï Amy Winehouse hit a fan (and it felt like a kiss). (Allie Is Wired)

ï Eddie Murphy wants to retire from movies. Well, see ya. (Daily Stab)

CNW Junk Drawer: Rhys Is in Pieces

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 17:09:45 +0000

ï Sienna Miller finally cuts loose her improbably-named, leonine lover Rhys Ifans. (CeleBuzz)

ï Angry whelp Miley Cyrus wrecks equipment on the set of her new video. "Grrrr! I'm so mad! Like a bear! Grrr! Like a fluffy bear! With a bow around its neck! Grrr . . . awwww." (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Kim Kardashian and Vanessa Minnillo dressed as cheerleaders, Carmen Electra in jazzercise gear. You're welcome, pre-verts. (The Hollywood Gossip)

ï The fetus is out there. And by "there" we mean in Gillian Anderson's womb. (F-Listed)

ï Oh yeah, Charlie Sheen married Brooke Whatsherguts last weekend. We didn't report on it because it didn't involve insulting Denise Richards. (Allie Is Wired)

ï Lily Allen's hair is pink, her face is green, and her liver is pickled yellow. Fun drunk shots! Luv u Lily. (Derek Hail)

ï Astley Tisdale: prepare for mass RickRollage. (The Blemish)

ï Vanity Fair is in deep shit for implying that Gina Gershon let Bill Clinton's presidential peen into her Oval Office. Crystal Connors, NO! (Defamer)

ï Eva Longoria is sporting what appears to be an inflated pregnancy rack, highlighted by the most burnt sienna of tan-spackle. (D-listed)