ï "I'm Fat Shady, yes I'm the Fat Shady, all you other Fat Shadys are just imatatin'." (Cityrag)

ï We can't improve on this original headline: 1 Hayden, 2 Cups. (Hollywood Tuna)

ï Penelope Cruz and very attractive sister wear clothes, look pretty, have picture taken. (Daily Stab)

ï Due to the writers' strike, the Golden Globes will be much less golden; globular. (Yeeeah!)

ï Blake Lively's schnozz: from Sevigny to sliced. (Radar Online)

ï Mariah Carey actually would rather be onstage with J. Lo than a pig after all. Good to know. (Celebitchy)

ï Britney's car was impounded. There was no way for her to avoid bein' grounded. Her parents had to come up from vacation and get me, I'd rather be in jail than to have my father hit me. So tell you all the kids all across the land, there's no need to argue, parents just don't understand. Dee doo doo doo. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Bono completes the final phase of his slow transformation into Robin Williams. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Not even MC Skat Kat can save Paula Abdul from crazy's grasp now. (The Blemish)

ï Britney dresses her offspring as golf caddies. Or, possibly, Andre 3000. (Allie Is Wired)

ï Whoops, Eminem and Kim are NOT engaged again after all. They're married! Just funnin'.

ï Anna Paquin gets see through. But don't touch her! Or she'll suck out your life force! Ahahaha! Hahahaha! Because . . . because she's Rogue. Get it? Um.

ï Heather Graham. Bridget Moynahan. Movie lesbians. Suck on that, Tom Brady.

ï Adrianne Curry is very, very surprised that America's Next Top Model wasn't the key to setting the modeling world alight.

ï Christina Aguilera cooks in the nude for her husband. Most likely, bananas foster. Because he's a monkey, see.

ï Seeing as how Drew Barrymore has a fetish for annoying, facially unfortunate men (Tom Green, that dude from Hole, etc.), it's no surprise to learn that she may be rubbing her business onto the smug, Shandling-esque mug of Zach Braff.

ï Mischa Barton has allegedly dumped Cisco Adler not because he has freakishly huge testicles, but because everyone now knows that he has freakishly huge testicles.

ï Charlize Theron is getting sued for not wearing fancypants expensive free watches for tons of scratch. What a world! What a world!

ï Anne Hathaway is all "Oh, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo! I have beautiful hair! Waaaaah, my rack is rotund and perfect! Booooo, I'm famous and stunning! Pooooor me! Wah wah cry sob sob wah."

Rapper and friend of Eminem, Akon, might have spilled the beans about their third engagement. He said, ìEminem still loves Kim. They have one of those relationships where they are off one minute and back together the next. He canít live with her and he canít live without her. But they are meant for each other. They are engaged again.î

Yeah, he just wants his money back.

ï J. Lo es no preggo. "She is 100% not pregnant," says a rep, however, she is still 93% annoying.

ï Tara Reid getting cockblocked from Hyde while Paris breezes right in = funny. The fact that the hottest club catering to young Hollywood is ironically blasting Kenny Loggins's "Footloose" = funnier.

ï Lindsay Lohan changes her damn bikini almost as often as she changes her men.

ï And speaking of Lindsay's wardrobe choices, she seems to have ditched the Kate Moss look and adopted a new fashion idol. The billowing, shapeless drawstring romper, the torpedo nips, the questionable footwear, the long, chalky black hair and the latte in hand . . . it's Britney all over again.

ï Brad Pitt's parents were offended when, at Maddox Jolie-Pitt's birthday party, the elder Pitts were "the only ones not drinking." Including the 4-year-olds?

ï Get Saved by the Buns when Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater) gets naked and homoerotic for Nip/Tuck.

ï That Eminem boy has playdate with the little Girl Next Door, acts out, gets sent to the corner for a time out.

ï Paris Hilton has been cast in a movie called The Hottie and the Nottie but keeps giving the thumbs down to potential leading men. An insider says, "A few [actors] have made it to a screen test with Paris but either the producers aren't happy or, more often, Paris has a problem with them. She is as picky with the men in her movies as she is in real life." AKA "not at all".

The filing on behalf of Marshall Bruce Mathers III, Eminem's real name, was confirmed by Eminem's publicist, Dennis Dennehy, and two employees of the Macomb County clerk's office. They didn't provide their names, citing an office policy. Dennehy had no other comment Wednesday. The Grammy and Oscar winning rapper and Mathers remarried Jan. 14, a month after the couple announced they were getting back together. Their first marriage ended after two-plus years in October 2001 in an ugly legal fight that included a custody battle over their daughter, Hailie.

Oh, and no pre-nup, neither. Hi, my name is . . . huh? My name is . . . what? My name is (scritcha scratcha) FUCKING DUMBASS.

No, there aren't any pictures of Enimem at MaleStars.com. But you know who is there? Greg Evigan! Which kind of rhymes with Eminem. My Two Dads ruled.

Oh, wait a second. No. No, the look in her eye actually says, “$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$”.

ï Katie Holmes sez: "I won't wed 'til afterbirth!" God, that's sick! Oh, wait. That's "after birth".

ï Still married to one nonfamous guy, Tori Spelling gets engaged to another. That means two men have willingly signed up to make Tori Spelling's vagina the only vagina in their lives forever and ever and ever. Our world, it is a sick and sad one.

ï Unbearable douchelord Bono flirts with his own daughters, but at least saves the massive shagging for his wife only.

ï Wipe that image out of your mind with some naked pictures of former supermodel/erstwhile Axl schtup-puppet Stephanie Seymour.

ï Is Naomi Watts about to marry Liev Schreiber? Is she incubating his young? Is she going to don a bikini and bang Bond? Whowhatwherewhenwhyhowwhatwhatwhhhatttt???!?!?!?!?!

ï Whatsa matta, Paris? Crabs gotcha down?

ï Cindy Crawford's little son is totally in my face! Poor Maddox Jolie–replaced by a newer, hipper, younger, more attitude-y at age four.

ï Keira Knightley's thong. Yup. It sure is.

ï Eminem will make ex-wife Kim new wife Kim on January 14th. The invitation reads: "This day I will marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for, love." Guess "Sit down bitch/If you move again I'll beat the shit out of you" doesn't exactly scream "holy matrimony".

ï Sienna Miller seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Leo DiCaprio seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Thus, it was only natural that these two master canoodlers would eventually canoodle their way into each other's cozy, canoodly arms.

ï The photog who snapped the now infamous but as yet unseen topless photos of Jen Aniston speaks! And he drops a juicy little nugget in the process. Mee-yow!

ï You know Eminem's ex-wife, Kim? The one he's threatened to murder? The one who's been jailed several times and was thrown out of rehab for blowing a teenage patient? Well, they're going to remarry. Now that's a terrific idea.

ï Although Lindsay Lohan was struck down with food poisoning and unable to make it to her scheduled Regis and Kelly appearance, she looked fit as a fiddle a few hours later on TRL. It's a Christmas miracle!

ï You'll get sprong for Famke Janssen's thong. Yeah, that was dumb. Like you could do better? Jerk.

ï Brad Pitt faces a long hard road when it comes to adopting Angelina's wee babes . . . unless he marries her. My, how positively convenient.

ï Mariah's wearing clams on her boobs, which kind of makes you wonder what she might be wearing on her clam.

ï Are Sienna and Jude finito for good? Reportedly, she's told him to take his little kitty dick and shove it. Forever.

ï Crepey, arthritic, doddering geezers take note: yes, you have a shot with Jessica Alba!

ï Yesterday, we were told that Eminem was cancelling his tour due to Exhaustion. Which means "drugs" or "eating disorder". Today, the former is confirmed.

ï The first time Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell had sex, it was <http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/56742004.htm" target="_blank">an alarming experience. Alarming! Guffaw!

ï Are you there, Miss Cleo? It's me, Jennifer Aniston.

ï Listen, we know Coq Rock. Coq Rock was a friend of ours. Slipknot, you're no Coq Rock.

ï For the aging celebrity pedophile who has everything: a detachable nose.

ï Choo-choo! All aboard the Breakup Train 2k5! Keira Knightley and her arm candy split, and Sadie Frost cut her pet boy loose after she was awarded $10.5 million clams in her Jude Law divorce settlement. See ya, sucker!

ï Mike Tyson: philosopher. Poet. Testicle-stomper.

ï Now, don't you go gettin' yerself a swoll head, Paris. Having an imposter is a nice start, but you haven't truly arrived until you have your very own stalker.

ï Walking in Memphis. Shot in Denver.

ï Heidi Klum: pregnant, praying, licking? Whatta country!

ï Eminem busts out his most hard-hitting lyrics yet!