CelebNewsWire» Elton John Archives – CelebNewsWire

Hold Me Closer, Tipsy Drinker

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 18:08:24 +0000

The bitch is back! Elton John: gaptoothed, queeny, favors oversized novelty eyewear and wieners. Lily Allen: has third nipple, drunk, favors tit slips and Courvoisier. Put them together in the same room and it's like putting Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger in a burlap sack and then shaking it up. The pair cohosted the GQ Man of the Year Awards ceremony last night and after Lily began tossing back the sauce, hilarity ensued. Says Yeeeah! (via the Daily Mail):

When Miss Allen came to announce ëÖand now the most important part of the nightí, [so-host] Elton John chipped in ëWhat? Are you going to have another drink?í She fired back: ëFuck off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!í

The shocked audience fell silent. A clearly rattled Elton replied ëI could still snort you under the tableí. To which she replied: ëFuck off. I donít know what you are talking about.í When Sir Elton made reference to 82-year-old crooner Tony Bennettís age as he was given the Inspiration Award, Miss Allen interrupted: ìIíll still fuck him.î

She also drunkenly blurted out the news that her brother had got engaged to girlfriend Jaime Winstone, much to the coupleís shock since they had not even circulated the news among their friends.

Miss Allen could be seen pouring herself champagne from a bottle she had hidden behind the lectern, gulping it down in between awards, and finally slumping down at the back of the stage. Such was her state that she barely made it off the stage after the awards ended. She went on to drink even more champagne at the afterparty and had to be helped out to her car by her ever-present bodyguard.

This is why England is way cooler than we are. England picks a known sloppy-ass inebriate to host an awards ceremony and when she starts launching f-bombs, insulting a knight, and practically falling face first into her own puke, the show rolls on. Here in America, at the first sign of Ellen Degeneres getting a little slurry, we'd yank her off the stage and replace her with Robin Williams doing funky gay rasta man voices for three and a half hours.

UPDATE: Video here!

Making You Hurl(ey)

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 17:45:34 +0000

It's nice when B-listers go all stoolie on us, describing bigger stars's shortcomings. Why not? What do they have to lose–an upcoming CSI: Cleveland guest spot? Today's tidbit comes courtesy of the underrated and charming Samaire Armstrong, describing her experience at Elton John's wedding to David Furnish:

"It was an amazing party. I sat beside Prince Andrew and Fergie . . . Sharon, Jack, Kelly and Ozzy Osbourne were there and so were Sting and Liz Hurley–who didn't wash her hands when she left the toilet!"

Our first reaction was "Hahahahaha. Liz Hurley has tinklefingers." And our second reaction was incredulity that Samaire Armstrong was invited to Elton John's wedding. Perhaps there is a clause in the Gay Constitution stating that any guy-guy wedding must be attended by at least one (1) cast member of a popular teen drama.

Liz Hurley is truly dirty at MrSkin.com.

CNW Junk Drawer: Scars on Titties and Whiskers on Kittens

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 21 Dec 2005 17:27:31 +0000

ï Pink promises that for one day only, her wedding day, she will "be a girl". But after the ceremony is over, the dress and all its frilly, lacy trappings will come off, the foot-long silicone strap-on will come out, and Pink will bend her new husband over their marriage bed and show that little bitch who wears the pants.

ï Heidi Klum probes her husband.

ï Which one's cuter?: Mischa Barton with a kitty! Awww! Awwww! Awwwwwwwwww!

ï 50 Cent will let his little boy mock murder people and watch porno, but cussing's where he draws the line.

ï Lindsay Lo-ho and Keanu Reeves might be heading for a shack-up. One can only imagine the stimulating conversations these two have.

ï Nip slip? Bah. Lip slip? Soooo two days ago. Rhona Mitra goes next level with an implant scar slip. Jealous, bitches?

ï Sorry, boys! Elton John is officially off the market!

ï The terrorists will never win when we have freedom on our side! Freedom, and Alyssa Milano's breast.

NBC Hates Knockers, Puppies

Agent E. — Thu, 15 Dec 2005 17:23:22 +0000

It's like NBC doesn't even want people to watch their stinky old channel. First they insist on keeping both Joey and Will and Grace on the air despite nary a laugh to be heard. Now they won't let Pamela Anderson dance around a pole while wearing pasties because it will hurt the poor little children. If they think that will hurt the kiddies, wait till our army of undersexed pervy old men take to the streets and start beating the kids with baseball bats because they're so irate over not being able to see the better part of Pamela Anderson's breasts on prime-time television without turning on Fox. That will really hurt.

Even though Elton John has no need for any of the lady parts further south, he appreciates a nice pair of man-made boobies, such as those residing on Pamela Anderson's chest. So he decided to sing "The Bitch Is Back" while Pammie danced suggestively around a pole and David LaChapelle filmed it. And it was supposed to be part of an NBC musical special on Monday night. Ye old gagonza haters at NBC said, "We believed the content was not appropriate for 8 p.m. ET/7 p.m. CT and decided to pull the song from the special." Thankfully our perv-minded brethren at The Superficial pointed us over to LaChapelle's official website, where you can view the segment for yourself. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good mam. Jeez, we give you Pam Anderson greasing a pole and a couple of wayward nips, and you still want more? Fine. Take a look at Pam peeing herself and letting half her ass hang out at a party (via I Don't Like You in that Way). Happy now?

More nudie bird Pam at MrSkin.com.

Naked Ladies for Charity! Naked Ladies for Charity! Hooray!

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 27 May 2005 17:45:10 +0000

Charity is cool. Giving is cool. Not just because such a thing offers a chance for us all to feel warm n' fuzzy and/or superior when we fork over some dough to help people, and not just because of those nifty tax deductions, but because very nice-looking famous ladies often get naked in the name of charity.

We're certainly glad that Elton John opted to go with putting out a book of nekkid celebrity gals instead of publishing a tome of himself in the buff, but he still went ahead and called his book 4 Inches anyway. Aw, enough with the teeny peeny jokes–the book features celebs like Anne Heche, Kelis (and her milkshakes, yes), Kate Moss, and Elle MacPherson, snapped by famous female photogs and wearing nothing other than four inch Jimmy Choo stilettos and a strategically placed piece of Cartier jewelry, which, coincidentally, is the official CelebNewsWire staff uniform. 4 Inches benefits the Elton John AIDS foundation, and the proceeds benefit women and children hit by the AIDS epidemic in Africa. The original photos used for the book were also auctioned off for the charity, and a snap of Paris Hilton in the raw sold for a staggering $46,000. 46 grand! For the love of God, we regularly link you to shots of Paris with her hoo-hoo all hanging out, and that doesn't even cost you one slim dime!

You can see a few eye-scaldingly high-res shots here, and here, including one of Elle MacPherson on the crapper. That's right! Even supermodels have large intestines, and they use them! If any food actually makes it all the way down there, anyway.

Although you should probably buy the book and help out charity, you can still see Paris Hilton nude at MrSkin.com.

You can also see Elle MacPherson in the buff at MrSkin.com.

You're on a roll; why stop now? Anne Heche naked at MrSkin.com.

You might as well take a gander at Kate Moss in the buff at MrSkin.com too.

Timberlake = Elton

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 07 Mar 2005 17:20:00 +0000

Justin Timberlake was delighted when he was offered the role of Elto–sorry, Sir Elton John–in a forthcoming biopic. There was just one problem–the script was all rock n' roll, sans the sex and drugs JT craves.

Sir E handpicked Justin for the role, saying "Trousersnake embodies the boyish good looks and rosy, rounded buttocks I wish I had in my youth." Just kidding, he didn't say that at all. He just liked what Justin did with some vintage shades and a prosthetic chin in his "This Train Don't Stop There Any More" video.

Justin's excited to take the role, on one condition: they revise the script to include EJ's hedonistic, sexy past. Justin said: "Knowing what a wild existence Sir Elton has led I thought 'Wow, you're offering me that role?' but when I read the script all the wild stuff had been left out. I told the studio that it would have to be warts-and-all so that's what it's going to be. I can't wait to get started." Can't wait to get started on the Quaaludes and homosexual sex, that is! Take a number, Timberlake. Take a number.

B-B-B-Benny On the Jets

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:10:44 +0000

Dirt cheap budget airline Air Tran is slapping Elton John's bloated, gap-toothed mug on the sides of 20 jets. Because nothing says "cramped, tight spaces," "huge, hard phallic object," and "irrational fear of imminent doom" quite like Elton!

The new, improved, Reginald Dwightified planes are in honor of the airline launching satellite radio for each passenger, but we're more excited about the cornucopia of wisecracks buried in the press release. Lightning round begins now:

1. I hear that Air Tran gave the singer a 6 foot long model of a jet. We always pegged Elton as a size queen. Ding!

2. This probably isn't the first time Elton's head has been involved with a fleet of long, hard, phallic crafts. Ding!

3. The webmaster at Elton's website states, "Elton's head is about the same size as the one on the Statute of Liberty." No punchline necessary here. Ding!