ï We can see right through Mischa Barton.

ï And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

ï Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

ï Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

ï Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

ï Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

ï Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

ï Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

ï The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.

"At first I thought it was some sort of joke until she started shaking with spasms and waving her arms in the air. It was really terrifying. The whole restaurant went dead silent."

Choking is normally no laughing matter. Unless it's not happening to us, then it's hilarious! Also hilarious: Sylvester Stallone was at a nearby table but just sat there like a turd, leaving Kevin Huvane to gallantly administer first aid and save Barkin. Smooth move, Tango!
Now, admittedly, we only completed six years of medical school and CPR training and thus are not considered experts in the field of choking, but if one were to inhale a globule of food that wedged itself in the windpipe, would it not be physically impossible to speak, let alone realize, in that terrifying moment, one's impeding death and loudly vocalize it while springing, gazelle-like, to one's feet? Just call us Encyclopedia Brown. No, call us Flossie Bobbsey. She's hotter.

If you're looking for Ellen naked, you're Barkin up the right tree! Head over to MrSkin.com.