Dustin Diamond will lay bare the behind-the-scenes secrets from his years as Screech on Saved By The Bell in a new book.

The actor, 31, who played the lovable nerd on the U.S. sitcom and its spin-offs from 1989 to 2000, will expose for the first time what Diamond and his castmembers, including Mario Lopez and Elizabeth Berkley, got up to off set.

Behind The Bell, which Diamond will pen with the aid of a ghostwriter, will reveal "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying," reports People.com.

What kind of "sexual escapades" are we talking here? Are we talking Mario Lopez giving Mr. Belding handjobs in the principal's office? Will we learn that Dustin first learned the art of the Dirty Sanchez from Tori Spelling, a.k.a. Violet Anne Bickerstaff? All we know is that we will only be satisfied if somewhere in the tome someone refers to Mark-Paul Gosselaar's penis as the Zack Attack.


Who's the hottest chick from Saved by the Bell? Find out at MrSkin.com.

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ï Brandy killed somebody with her Land Rover, now the victim's family is suing her for $50 million. Meanwhile, her brother Ray-J peed on Kim Kardashian and is throwing it into Whitney Houston. Fate is not smiling beatifically upon the Norwood family.

ï Hey, friends, we entertain you every weekday, right? Give you the ole ha-has, never ask for a thing in return. So maybe you could do just this one thing for us, as a tiny little favor? Could you go here and download the amazing Paris Hilton demo song culled from ParisExposed.com? It's more retarded than "PopoZao" and "My Humps" put together. It's life-altering. Trust us. Do it. Do it. Do it.

ï And speaking of Paris songs and ParisExposed, don't miss this soft, lilting tune crooned by Paris on video, and you'll finally get context for the "I got fucked in the butt for coke" line, in addition to a bunch of lovely racial verses.

ï The Factory Girl sex scenes between Sienna Miller and Hayden Christensen are rumored to be the real thing. Great, but that doesn’t change the fact that nobody will see it.

ï Dustin “Screech” Diamond was “exiled” on the set of Celebrity Fit Club because he threatened to “make a dildo of my cock and fuck [former American Idol contestant] Kimberly Locke with it.” As far as empty threats go, that one’s pretty elaborate.

ï Headline of the day, part one.

ï Headline of the day, part two, (because we’re in seventh grade [it's the Jessica Lange story]).

ï Gwen Stefani the second celebrity parent to be stricken with blobbish progeny.

ï John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.

ï Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.

ï Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.

ï Australian Holly Valance's nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!

ï Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"

ï Penelope Cruz half naked for Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?

ï Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?

ï Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.

Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us.
We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."
Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood's biggest celebrity-skin deals, confirms that he's acquired the rights to a tape featuring Diamond.
"Just when you think you have seen everything in this business," he tells us, "mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it."
Schmidt is in L.A., shopping the tape to Hustler's Larry Flynt, Vivid's Steven Hirsch and other major distributors of adult video.

Let's hope that Dustin hasn't taken a page from the Colin Farrell playbook: Brag about how absolutely elephantine your dong is, get people talking and wondering, then let people see it in action . . . only to be massively disappointed. Because really that ten-incher is just about the only thing Dustin's got going for him. Oh, and we saved that best part for last: "The sex vid's working title is 'Saved by the Smell.'" We bet you're rethinking the genius of that scratch-n-sniff TV you were so keen on in the third grade.