CelebNewsWire» Donald Trump Archives – CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: Federlohan

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 04 Jan 2007 17:23:57 +0000

ï Halle Berry might be preggo. For no other reason than to stick it to Julia Roberts.

ï Justin Timberlake is just not that into Cameron Diaz. Sound the death gong.

ï Adrianne Curry dons her new plastic breasts on the red carpet.

ï Owen Wilson will break up a lady's marriage, then refuse to commit to her. Don't you know he's loco?

ï Oh, Kid Rock. You may be an "American Badass" but you cannot beat up Tommy Lee OR a family of four.

ï And to think we were one chlamydia-riddled hookup away from Federlohan!

ï Console yourselves with more pictures of more Lohan in yet another bikini.

ï You might keep calling Rosie fat and lezboish, Donald Trump, but you know what? Your wife is naked. That's right. We said it. Naked. How you gonna get out of this one, Trump? Huh? Huh?

ï Though Donald might allow soiled Miss USA Tara Connor to pose for Playboy. Somewhere, right now, Vanessa Williams is saying, "aw HELL no."

ï Pam Anderson really classed it up for her Howard Stern appearance.

ï Leo DiCraprio has jumped on the bandwagon and adopted an African child. Well, like, she won't be coming back to America to live in his palatial homes or eat food prepared by his personal chef or be educated in the finest schools. She'll stay in her homeland and every once in a while Leo will send her a check or call her on the phone. So basically she's not getting a dad, she's getting a deadbeat dad. Nice.

Rosie and Trump Not Feeling Holiday Love

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 17:40:57 +0000

There’s a bitter battle brewing between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump. She says he’s a bankrupt snake-oil peddler. He says she’s a big fat lez. Ladies, ladies. You’re both right.

Barbara Walters is a diabolical supergenius. She hires Rosie O’Donnell for The View, and suddenly lots of youngsters like you and like us are writing and reading about the daily exploits of menopausal biddies on a morning chat show. Rosie’s had quite a month, what with the accusing Kelly Ripa of Aiken homo hate and then doing her best Mickey-Rooney-in-Breakfast at Tiffany’s the other day. And yesterday morning on The View, Rosie tore into our favorite apricot-haired mogul after he allowed Miss USA to keep her crown, despite the fact that she was boozing and coking underage. She said:

ì[Trump] left the first wife ñ had an affair. [He] had kids both times, but heís the moral compass for 20-year-olds in America. Donald, sit and spin, my friend . . . [He's like the] snake-oil salesman on Little House On The Prairie. This is not a self-made man.î

And then Donald was all,

“My fat little Rosie.” We picture him in a witch hat, rubbing his hands together gleefully in his gingerbread home. But then Rosie was totes like,

Right now we’re siding with Rosie, as she actually brings up valid points, while Donald can only screw his face up to resemble a pained, peach-colored twist cone and repeatedly call her fat and ugly. But when you get down to it, who cares? You know they’ll appear on Letterman in a week with their arms around each other, singing Christmas tunes together, Donald in a snake-oil salesman costume and Rosie donning Vanessa Minnillo’s castoff fat suit.

Ro lets down her guard at MrSkin.com.

CNW Junk Drawer: Nearly "Stripped" of Her Crown

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 17:32:54 +0000

ï Heather Graham's swan song of succulent sexiness. Take a look, then tip out your King Cobra on the curb.

ï Lara Flynn Boyle decorated her razory clavicles with flowers, tied some white ribbons around her prominent ulnae, rubbed some pink gloss on her colossal plastic lips, and got herself married. Mazel tov!

ï Nicolette Sheridan donned sheer hose with no visible pants (aka "pulling an Olsen"). Pauly Shore took a long, hard look. And pop went the Weasel. Groan, sorry.

ï Sienna Miller offers a hot new diet plan to impressionable teenage girls: just drink vodka! Oh, don't look at us like that. It's a much more heathful alternative than the Lohan "strawberry booger sugar diet" or the Nicole Richie "oxygen and carbon dioxide" diet.

ï Or maybe Lohan's on the "energy drink and pretzel diet", how the fuck should we know?

ï Your office holiday party hookup was indiscreet and regrettable, but at least no photographic evidence exists. Christian Slater and Sharon Stone's holiday jaunt isn't faring quite so well.

ï The beautiful, talented, and intelligent Victoria Silvstedt really really hates shirts.

ï We're glad Mollygood agrees with us: Adam Brody's Ian McCulloch hair is kinda hot.

ï Miss USA Tara Connor was nearly stripped of her crown after pageant owner Donald Trump got wind of the fact that she was drinking underage, failed a drug test for cocaine, and was making out with Miss Teen USA in public. When asked why he allowed her to retain her title, Trump said, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

ï Lohan castoff Harry Morton is now feasting on the pink taco attached to Kimberly Stewart.

ï K-Hole es no preggo.

ï Martha Stewart briefly dated Anthony Hopkins, but could not bring herself to cook him fava beans with a nice Chianti.

CNW Junk Drawer: Bootylicious. Adj. Sexually attractive, esp. in the buttocks.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 08 Mar 2006 17:45:58 +0000

ï Teri Hatcher reveals that she was brutally molested as a child by an uncle, and she testified against him recently and helped put him in jail. Go Teri!

ï Mayhaps the Pussycat Dolls should change their name to the Pussyandtittycat Dolls.

ï When your toddler asks you, "Daddy, what does 'bootylicious' mean?" you can now say, "Look it up in the dictionary, ya little shit" and mean it!

ï Donald Trump says of his daughter Ivanka, "I'd hit it."

ï Not only would Mariah Carey like you to touch her butt, she would like you to punch her in the gut. Well, okay.

ï Yanni was charged with abusing his girlfriend in their Florida home. What, did he force her to to listen to his music? Haw haw, bet you didn't see that joke coming.

ï In other domestic abuse news, the Hoff gets hasselled . . . by his estranged wife!

ï Jerry Hall says younger men not only suck in bed, they make you listen to Coldplay. It's a scary day when Jerry Hall is a practical voice of reason.

ï Thanks Easter bunny! Bok bok! As it turns out, Cokaite Moss used to hide her stash in a FabergÈ egg. Pfft. We hide ours in a Ming vase.

Malibu Trump: Unpopular, Unloved

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 02 Aug 2005 17:20:10 +0000

The suits at Macy's are inexplicably shocked that the new Donald Trump doll isn't selling. Well, doy, who wants an action figure without kung fu grip or real growing hair that you can brush n' braid? Next time, Trump, perhaps you should take a hint from Sport & Shave Ken. He is, after all, "all man".

Even though, as a Macy's spokesperson tells PageSix.com: "We have Donald Trump suits and watches and shirts and they are all doing phenomenal business. Men want to dress like Donald Trump," but, apparently, they don't want to play with him. Maybe buyers see the stiff limbs and the molded plastic face and hear it barking grating catchphrases and mistake the doll for the real guy? At any rate, the Donald doll, once resplendent at 25 clams, has been marked down to a humiliating $2.49 at the store in New York City. Sigh. You know what comes after the huge markdown, don't you? Big Lots!

And when the lights go down and the store is closed, the Trump doll will have threesomes with the 90210 dolls, and be sued for alimony by Superstar Xuxa.

Speaking of Xuxa, wanna see some of her nudie pics at MrSkin.com.

Trump Derives Power from Dark Crystal!

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 03 May 2005 17:07:30 +0000

Oh, hey, look. Donald Trump married a Gelfling.