Cougar Emeritus DEMI MOORE’s squealing like a teenybopper because 16-years-younger hubby ASHTON KUTCHER’s generating buzz that’s got Hollywood fast-tracking his sensational new movie project – a romantic comedy that teams onetime screen queen Demi with real-life ex BRUCE WILLIS, and chronicles the zany adventures of a divorced couple after she marries (you guessed it!) a sexy stud 16 years her junior!

“It’s a PR bonanza with built-in headlines,” Ashton enthused to Bruce, who loves the idea and desperately needs career CPR since his new flick “Surrogates” went on life-support – not to mention a DOA mess titled “Assassination of a High School President,” co-starring MISCHA BARTON, that fast-tracked straight to video!

Writers are pounding out the script as we go to press, and insiders say studio moguls are sniffing that sweet smell of success for the floundering box office mega-stars – especially with certified boy-genius Kutcher aboard. (Folks, I second that emotion!)

We find this premise more than a little creepy. It’s not the whole basing-fiction-on-real-life angle. Nope. It’s that this story gives us the distinct impression that Ashton-Demi-Bruce-Bruce’s-invisible-lady-wife land is filled with many, many orgies. These people are just way too close to not be humping each other in every configuration imaginable.

Robert Pattinson is as creepy as his fictional blood-lusting counterpart; sends Kristen Stewart 400 texts a month. (Celebitchy)

• Ashley Olsen in her underwear. Hey, don’t look at us. You were the one with the Olsen Twins Countdown to Legality calendar on your computer for years, nerd. (Cityrag)

• Getting down to the wire here! Mr Skin’s Top 100 Celebrity Nude Scenes: numbers 20 through 11. (Mr Skin)

• Cindy Crawford in a bikini. You liked it in 1992, and you’ll like it just as much in 2009. She must be drinking out of Brangelina’s sex grotto. (The Blemish)

• Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore almost crashed on a plane; live to Twitter again. (Anything Hollywood)

• Tiger Woods cut the cheese!!! (Gone Hollywood)

• Jessica Simpson enjoys a quaff or twelve at her hairdo dude’s birthday party. (Amy Grindhouse)

• 5 Movies John Hughes will be remembered fer. (Jezebel)

• Milla Jovovich collects knives. How Angelina 1998. (Daily Stab)

watching my wife steam my suit while wearing a bikini. I love God!
9:43 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

I'm not wearing the bikini she is that's what makes it so glorious
9:46 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

shhh don't tell wifey http://twitpic.com/2bj58
10:11 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

Don't tell this very famous woman whose ass I am photographing and posting on the internet that I'm photographing her ass and posting it on the internet? Sure, Ashton, we won't tell a soul.

DemiÖ and Ashton are believed to be going through a private adoption agency and hope to be parents by the summer. Itís a well-deserved triumph for the couple who suffered through failed attempts at in vitro fertilizationÖ.

ìBoth Ashton and Demi finally came to terms with the reality that (childbirth) is just not going to happen for them,î an insider told The Enquirer. ìThey had always resisted adoption because they wanted a baby of their own, but now everything has changed. They feel this is the best thing that could happen because they are able to give a child a great, loving start in life.î

And speaking of great, loving starts, here’s a video rant from the daddy-to-be that was posted on YouTube, featuring Ashton crying into his foie gras and Cristal and bags of money because a neighbor is doing work on a house at the usual time work begins for normal humans. It’s going to be awesome when the future baby, hungry and confused and sitting in a full diaper, begins to cry, only to have his new father call him a dillweed for interrupting his beauty sleep.

You were in Austria?
Iím alwaysÖlooking for the cutting edge on things that are for optimizing health and healing.

Just a week ago I was in Austria doing a cleanse and part of the treatments was leech therapy.

These arenít just like swamp leeches, weíre talking about highly trained medical leechesÖ [laughing]

I know thousands of years ago they were common
Bleeding was a very common thingÖ it detoxifies your blood and they have a little enzyme that when theyíre biting down gets released into your blood, and generally you bleed for quite a bit, and your health is optimized. It detoxifies the blood. Iím feeling very detoxified right now.

Is it the enzyme is that whatís critical?
They start in a spot for me that is a horrible spot, which is my belly button. They test it out. They are in a little jar with water and glass and they pull it out and they have to stick it in my belly button.

Where does this take place? At a hotel? At a clinic?
In this womanís house and Iím laying on a bed.

And she says ìweíre going to apply the leeches?î
Yes they do the little sampler first which is in the belly button and it crawls in. And you feel it bite down on you and you want to go ìyou bastard!î and then you relax and work on your lamaze breathing, and you watch it swell up and get fatter and fatter. And then when itís super drunk on your blood it just kind of rolls over like itís stumbling out of the bar.

Are you sure itís not menopause?
No, but I was going to recommend this for your tic.

You have to do a turpentine bath first.

Did you feel better after the leech deal?
You first feel worse, then you feel better.

Youíre not going back?
I am going back, because I only got 4 leeches and I feel a little cheated.

Clinically speaking how can we prove that you are more healthy after the leeches?
By a blood test. They can see the levels in your blood, if youíre anemicÖ they release in their enzyme heparin, which is a natural blood thinner.

We're actually quite impressed with Demi's ingenuity here. She sees what's happening with modern medicine, what with your Dondra Wests and your Priscilla Presleys, and is looking at alternatives for her beautification purposes. Sure, looking 500 years in the past for anti-aging answers might seem a bit extreme, but Demi still knows her limits. It's not like she has Ashton strap her into an iron maiden for twelve hours a day so that she can't raid the fridge and wreck her diet. (And, yes, pretty much all of our knowledge of the Middle Ages comes directly from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. It is most non-non-non-heinous after all.)

With the recent brouhaha surrounding Scientology and its followers, Kaballahís golden couple Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have fallen off the radar. Sources close to the couple say the timing is good, because the coupleís relationship with the religion has been called into question as of late.

ìAshton and Demi used to have an impeccable attendance record,î says one source with close ties to the Kabballah Centre in L.A. Another source close to the couple says itís been ìmonthsî since the two attended services or participated in the Shabbat dinner after Friday services. Adding fuel to the fire is the fact that Kutcher was just last week spotted shopping on Robertson Blvd. without his trademark red string.

Whatís to blame for the coupleís flagging attendance?

Definitely not Mooreís kids, because theyíve never been active. ìItís something that Bruce Willis never allowed,î says the source with ties to the Centre. Others say that Kutcher was ìtired of being dragged there on Friday nights.î Whatever the case, the sudden change in routine strikes those who know the couple, who were married in a Kabbalah ceremony, as worrisome. ìItís just odd,î says the source with ties to the Centre, ìsomething must be up.î

At first we thought that Ashton's objection to sacrificing a precious weekend evening must be the cause of the couple's lost faith, but then we thought a little deeper and realized that the timing of this religion dumping is awfully peculiar. So here's our theory: Ashton, taking a break from choosing the perfect highlight color to coordinate with Demi's jewelry collection, was perusing the internet last week and happened upon an intriguing video of fellow actor Tom Cruise. After nine minutes of insight, Ashton proclaimed, "This man really speaks to me. He is so wise. He can teach us much about KSW. We must join him."

ï Amy Winehouse plans to heal from her husband's arrest by backpacking through India. Yeah, there is absolutely nothing funny about that sentence. Nothing mockable there, no siree. (Socialite's Life)

ï Tom Cruise sure can cut a rug, boy! Look at 'im jitterbug! He's doin' the Lindy Hop! Go, Tom! (Cityrag)

ï Ladies and gentleman, the greatest film ever made: Major Movie Star, with Jessica Simpson. It's like Glitter meets Private Benjamin meets a gigantic BM. (Derek Hail)

ï A lady beat up John Stamos on an airplane. Which was well-deserved; he had a hand in "Kokomo". (IMDb/WENN)

ï Paris rubbing her person on a pole. Such is her wont. (Egotastic!)

ï Lindsay Lohan is back to hanging out with her former element. The bad element. The lesbian element. No, wait, that's the good element. (Yeeeah!)

ï Hey, look, it's a bunch of Victoria's Secret chippies dressed up like the Pink Ladies. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Brad and Angelina buy a man-made island in the shape of Ethiopia. Man-made? How gauche, that's like the cubic zirconia of islands. That said, we'll take one in the shape of a middle finger flipping off France. Yeah, buddy! USA! USA! USA! (CelebWarship)

According to Maxim Radio's The Manertainment Report, Ashton Kutcher's cell phone, which just happens to contain over 30 pictures of Demi Moore nude, is being held for ransom by a French taxi driver. Apparently, Ashton forgot his phone in the cab while on vacation in April, and now the driver wants $1 Million, or he will sell the pictures, of both Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore naked, to the paparazzi. And if that wasn't bad enough (or good enough, depending on your point of view), the phone also contains a whole bunch of celebrity phone numbers.

What are the chances that when Ashton goes to meet up with Frenchy with a wad of cash Dax Shepard will jump out from behind a bush and yell, "Booyah! You got Punk'd, biyatch!" or some such jaggy phrase? We're thinking pretty high.


Why wait for some Frenchman to pony up nudie pics? You can see Demi all sorts of naked at MrSkin.com.

"I think Demi is getting too old to have kids of her own.

"Demi and Ashton have been trying (to have a child) for years. She had a miscarriage two years ago… Now she is trying to get her hands on my kids.

"I think there is some kind of co-dependency. Demi has been bankrolling Morgan so that she can stay involved with all his offspring and keep all of her little flock close. She's a piece of work."

Yeah, a wealthy celebrity sharing her wealth with her brother and wanting to have a close relationship with her relatives? Wow, what a see-you-next-Tuesday! But seriously, this story is blowing our minds for no other reason than the fact that the Enquirer was totally on the money about something.

Moore Demi, naked of course, at MrSkin.com.