CelebNewsWire» David Letterman Archives – CelebNewsWire

Tina Fey, from No Cock to 30 Rock

Agent E. — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:59:06 +0000

These days Tina Fey is the ultimate in nerd chic and everyone wants a piece of her funnylady gold. But back before SNL and 30 Rock and all those Emmys poor Tina couldn’t get anybody to diddle her flesh fiddle. As David Letterman read a list of “old virgins” from a tabloid, Fey laughed at the inclusion of her name as a former 24-year-old virgin:

“[I] Couldn’t give it away. That’s just good, Christian values, or, being homely.”

Aw, 24 ain’t so old. Well, at least if you’re Gary Coleman.

David Letterman: Being a Dashing Cocksman Will Cost You

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 16:55:46 +0000

David Letterman is so sexually irresistible with his M-shaped hairline and his doddering, Andy Rooney-style grouchiness that it’s no wonder his lady staffers are tripping over themselves to toggle his nuts. But Dave is learning an important lesson: having extramarital sex with people who work for you can wind up in a big mess of intrigue, betrayal, extortion, and sting operations. Last night Dave spilled his guts on Late Night, according to Variety:

On the show, Letterman sat down behind his desk and [said he had] received a package three weeks ago from someone who claimed to have information about alleged sexual relations he has had with female employees of the “Late Show.”

“I get to looking through it and there’s a letter in the package and it says, ‘I know that you do some terrible, terrible things. And I can prove that you do these terrible things.’ Sure enough, contained in the package was stuff to prove that I do terrible things,” Letterman said.

The host said the alleged extortion suspect claimed he planned to write both a movie screenplay and a book based on what he knew — that Letterman had engaged in sex with staffers.

Letterman said the individual threatened to go public with the allegations unless Letterman paid the person $2 million.

The host, under advisement of his attorney, met with the man on three different occasions. According to Letterman, the suspect even made it clear he knew what he was doing was illegal.

Letterman told his audience that he then contacted the Manhattan District Attorney’s Special Prosecution Bureau. The meeting with the D.A. led to a sting operation, in which Letterman met with the individual and handed the person a fake $2 million check. That person was arrested on Thursday.

Being David Letterman is a lot more exciting than we previously imagined. Undercover stakeouts, blackmail, and anonymous packages are certainly more intriguing than what we pictured: back issues of This Old House magazine and Cream of Wheat suppers. This dude is one step away from a tussle with a one-eyed Russian on the wing of a plane.

Anne Heche Thinks Laffoon Is a Buffoon

Agent E. — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 15:48:03 +0000

We are suckers for words that sound funny. Gubernatorial makes us think of Goobers, which are delicious. Duty sounds like doody, which is stinky. And Anne Heche’s ex-husband, Coley Laffoon, sounds kind of like holey baboon, which makes us imagine a primate who’s been on the business side of a drive-by. But while Coley Laffoon’s name brings us great joy, the man himself stirs nothing but rancor in Anne. She appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman last night and just had glowing things to say about her former snatch servicer and marriage in general, including calling Coley a “lazy ass.” That’s better than calling him a smelly twat, we guess. And more appropriate for CBS.

President Spears

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 15:21:20 +0000

Britney Spears made a special surprise appearance on Letterman last night. She did the top 10 (”Ways the Country Would Be Different If Britney Spears Were President”). This would be an exciting story if anyone watched David Letterman. And if anyone looked forward to his top 10 lists so they could discuss them in Chem class the next day. And if an array of billions of completely naked ladies weren’t available for free on the internet, so the sight of a pop singer in a bikini gave you enough spank material to last a semester. So, 1990.

Friend us on Facebook. Why? Why NOT, butthole?

Letterman "Interviews" Joaquin Phoenix

Agent E. — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 16:47:37 +0000

We admit it: We don’t know what the fuck is going on. Is Joaquin Phoenix an irrepressible drunk? Anne Heche-level crazy? Pulling one over on all of us? This generation’s most brilliant comedian? We just can’t tell. But he is amusing us lately. Although last night’s appearance on Letterman had very little to do with him. He could have been replaced by a Santa Bear with a beard and half-assed dreadlocks to pretty much the same effect. Last night was all about Dave, who, surprisingly, is still pretty damn funny. But we’re still confused. Is this is all part of some sort of ruse that Joaquin is pulling on us? Was it all a set-up? He did grow up in a commune, so he’s probably pretty well versed in performance art. But this, this is so subtle. Only when Joaquin covers himself in cat feces and walks onto the NBC nightly news reciting e.e. cummings will he be a true artist.

Sarsgaard Aaccidentaally Gaawks Aanonymous Vaaginaa

Agent E. — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 17:55:34 +0000

So you're a woman doing your yearly duty of having cold, hard metal shoved up your lady business. You're in a cold room, covered by a scratchy piece of thin blue paper, with your legs up in an uncomfortable position and a doctor's head perched near a sensitive area. In other words, this is not the time for a usually coveted celebrity sighting. But try telling that to Peter Sarsgaard.

We don't watch Letterman, because the Ambien we mix with our after-dinner aperitif usually has us passed out on the bathroom floor by about 8:30, but Friday night we missed a nice little story told to Dave by Maggie Gyllenhaal. Says Us Weekly:

A very pregnant Maggie Gyllenhaal dropped by the Late Show with David Letterman on Friday to talk about her forthcoming baby (she told Dave she doesnít know the sex) with fiancÈ Peter Sarsgaard.
Dave: ìYour husband, is heÖHowís he handling the pregnancy? Is he nervous? Is he excited? Is heÖwell, itís a combination of both, of course, isnít it?î
Maggie: ìHow is he handling it? Well, the very first time that we went to meet our OB, he walked in on her examining someone else.î
Dave: ìCan you do that? ëIím just looking around.íî
Maggie: ìHe seemed kind of like Ben Stiller in a Ben Stiller movie when he came back in. Yeah, he went to put some quarters in our meter, and he was just this excited new dad, and he rushed into the room, and he saw some other womanís feet in the stirrups. Like Ben Stiller or Hugh Grant, he had that kind of romantic comedy quality.î
Dave: ìI wish I had thought of that.î

Thanks, Dave, for reminding us that you're a total perv. We always like to start our morning with a strong cup of French roast, the sports page, and thoughts of David Letterman wandering into gynecologists' offices ogling strange women's spread beavers.

Before she was preggo, Maggie loved getting her kit off. You can see proof at MrSkin.com.