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David Beckham No Speak-o Spanish-o

Agent E. — Wed, 06 Sep 2006 17:45:38 +0000

Once in a while we jump on a story that may not be based in anything that resembles fact. Like if we heard a story about Britney Spears's plans to gain a bunch of weight, don a muumuu, and take to the stage as a Divine impersonator, we'd run with it. Sure, we might have to run a retraction, but we'd get a few laughs out of it first. But sometimes we get things wrong and it's not the fault of our lack of journalistic ethics or even our extreme laziness. Sometimes famous people are really, really dumb. And today David Beckham happens to fall in that category.

Yesterday we reported that David Beckham had confirmed that his wife, Swizzle Stick Spice, was full o' fetus for the fourth time. But the Beckhams' people have issued a statement denying the pregnancy and confirming David's resemblance to a human-sized pile of Play-Doh in Gucci jeans. People reports:

Despite the latest reports, Victoria and David Beckham are not expecting another child. "She's not pregnant," a rep for the couple tells PEOPLE. "It's as simple as that."
The 31-year-old former English soccer captain had allegedly confirmed to a Spanish video paparazzo that his ex-Spice Girl wife, 32, was pregnant with their fourth child. The couple are already parents to sons Brooklyn, 7, Romeo, 3, and Cruz, 1.
A source tells PEOPLE that Beckham, who plays for the Real Madrid soccer team, was signing autographs and simply misunderstood what the female paparazzo was asking. He thought she was asking, in Spanish, how Victoria and the babies are, when in fact was asking how Victoria and the new baby are doing.

We probably shouldn't be so shocked that David Beckham has absolutely no grasp on the Spanish language. He is married to a woman who has never read a book in her life despite authoring two, after all. But David plays for a Spanish soccer team and owns a home in Spain. Perhaps his Spanish skills originated in the same place as ours–Sesame Street–and he can only say si and agua and count to ten. In which case answering the question of how your wife and new baby are with "yes" makes quite a bit more sense than answering it with "water". Way to go, Becks.

Peruse the female Beckham at MrSkin.com.

Or delight to her hubby at MaleStars.com.

Vacancy in Cameron Diaz's Womb

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 19 Jan 2006 17:06:47 +0000

Earlier this week, we reported that Cameron Diaz was allegedly heavy with a baby Timberlake (Kinderlake?). Apparently, this is not true. She is, however, a young boy suffering from the rapid aging disease progeria:

Justin Timberlake’s mom–the begetter of the pregnancy rumor in the first place–has put the official kibosh on the tale, setting the record straight to Star:

ìIíve read the story about Cameron expecting–which isnít true–and me supposedly knitting booties. I have never knitted anything in my life and I donít even know how to knit! . . . We love Cameron and we really hope that they will get married. And when and if they are expecting a baby, that will be a very happy situation for us. She is a very wonderful girl, very down to earth.î

You heard the woman! She can’t even knit. What she said was that she was crocheting. And they weren’t booties, they were penis snoods. Penis snoods for Bruce Boxleitner. Hey, look how we turned this boring story right around.

Cammy . . . naked? Oh yes! Go to MrSkin.com.

Oops, Did We Say They Porked? Sorry Bout That.

Agent E. — Fri, 17 Jun 2005 17:21:37 +0000

Get ready, kids, itís retraction time! So apparently Jennifer Aniston hasnít even had an interview with Vanity Fair yet, let alone admitted Brad Pitt had hot, wild, cheating sex with Angelina Jolie. And on top of that, Bam Margeraís ex-girlfriend totally lied about Bam f-ing Jessica Simpson. If there was any extramarital humping going on in either of these situations, no oneís truthfully admitted it yet.

We thought Jennifer Aniston had finally told the world what we already knew, but it seems that someone made up the whole damn thing. There was no Vanity Fair interview. Jen has admitted nothing. Brad and Angelina can go on pretending that all they care about is the children–the African children–and not each otherís superhumanly perfect and sexy genitals. Order is restored to the world.

But in the case of Bam Margera and Jennifer Rivell, two people who should just stick to Jackass reunions and MTV cast parties and leave us the hell alone, it was all about the money. Radar reports that the two were in cahoots (yes, cahoots) to milk Star for a heap of cash and bring shame to the totally innocent and virginal Jessica Simpson. A source told the mag about the night that the supposed Bam humping went down: ìEveryone slept at Jessicaís, but no one slept with Jessica, except maybe her little dog.î So basically what we have here is two people seeing an opportunity to grab a little attention (ëcause getting shot in the balls with a BB gun was getting kind of old) and take home $8000 courtesy of Starís ìjournalistic ethicsî. Plus, have you seen Bam? He probably just wanted the world to think that a funny little troll such as himself could score someone as hot as Jessica Simpson. Given the opportunity, youíd do the same thing.

Jennifer Aniston–still not talking but showing her boobies at MrSkin.com.

Jessica Simpson's looking hot at MrSkin.com.