Salma Hayek and Colin Farrell were rumored to have had an affair back in 2004 while they were shooting Ask the Dust.

The pair broke it off because Colin was a mess back then, but now things are different with Colin being clean and sober. The pair was spotted backstage at the Golden Globes kissing. A source told Star Magazine: ìWhile they were both backstage, he held her face and kissed her several times. It was very intimate, not like they were pals.î

"Haw, haw, so it was a different 'gently cradling the face and kissing on the lips' than just the friendly, pallin' around kind," we immediately scoffed. Then we remembered that John Travolta greets good buddies by tossing their salad whilst toggling their nuts, so hey. TouchÈ.

"Colin was clearly taken with Mary-Kate and snuggled up to her on the couch at the bar. I'm not sure if the feelings were mutual, though!"

Well, of course not. Mary-Kate is used to a much classier brand of man. Like Stamos Nachos. And Gandhi. And the 6-foot humanoid we constructed by taking empty Starbucks cups and Marlboro unfiltered butts and gluing them together with Brandon Davis's hair grease. Man, MK fell pretty hard for that one. "I've never connected on such a spiritual level before," she whispered as she kissed his latte lid lips, his nose flaking half-charred nicotine ash onto her quaking bird hands.

"He has a great body and a charm that any woman would kill for. But he's all talk. Between the sheets, he is a let-down with only half a baguette in his lunchbox, if you know what I mean. He comes across as a tiger on screen, but behind closed doors he's as wild as Mickey Mouse . . . He kept saying 'C'est bon, you're beautiful, c'est bon'. He sounded like James Blunt.

"Once he'd got what he fancied – in about 10 seconds flat – he just wanted to go to sleep . . . He was so keen to have me, he didn't want to wear any protection. He just said, 'It'll be OK, it'll be OK'. But for all his ardour, it was like he was reading from a text book, lurching from one position to another. He loved it when I climbed on top. He was cooing, 'C'est bon, c'est bon'. It's clearly the only French he knows.

"We made love three times but the actual sex only lasted 10 minutes in total. At one point he lifted me up and carried me to one side of the bed so we were both looking in his full-length mirror. He said, 'Look how beautiful you are'.

"To be fair, he did try and give me pleasure, kissing me all down my body – but his heart wasn't really in it. I kept having to fake orgasm – one, two, three – to keep him happy and let him keep his dignity. It seemed the polite thing to do."

Ah, the disappointment. The regret. The venom, the anger! But the most hilarious part is that Angelique is less concerned with the fact that, after having unprotected sex with Colin Farrell, she may be presently being slowly devoured alive by crabs, and more into mocking his poor French. That's a true Parisian, right there.

You'd like to see the wanger in question, admit it. MaleStars.com can help.

ï Posh Spice to become godmother to Ginger Spice's baby daughter, Bluebell Spice. That's nice. When Bluebell needs advice on bulimia, tanning beds, and how to be a good trophy wife, she'll have a wealth of information at her fingertips.

ï Yet MORE Toni Braxton nipples. You can put those things away now, honey.

ï Nicole Kidman sends a case of beer to the paparazzi. We assume the reason for this was so that they wouldn't notice that her face has been freshly pulled, drawn up and over the back of her skull, and tacked into place for her upcoming nuptials.

ï Robert Evans divorcing. Seventh time ain't the charm, apparently.

ï Tera Patrick pics from FHM magazine. Which must stand for Fricking Humpable Mams.

ï SNL's Andy Samberg gets Dunsted!

ï Jen Love Hewitt's hugetits strapped in by nothing but a flimsy . . . Yoko Ono shirt?

ï Michelle Rodriguez dreams of a relationship with Colin Farrell, but sadly, it can never be. Because he's not a girl.

ï Piper Perabo lowers herself to date former pill-popper/Friends friend Matthew Perry. Move over TomKat and Brangelina, here's . . . Pipthew Perrybo?

ï Our #1 deity, Mariah Carey, teams up with Snoop, shoots a video, mounts a mesa of Vuitton luggage, wears very little clothing.

ï Salma Hayek chortles when confronted with Colin Farrell's weenis. Understandable.

ï Portman pokies, redux!

ï If your daughter were Tori Spelling, wouldn't you sue her too? Just for fun?

ï K-Fed hates the Pavarotti, loves his kids and wife, raps about it in hot new tune on MySpace. This one's for the haters. Fuck the media.

ï Pink's special surprise for her husband is reportedly a "12ft pole to be erected in her dressing room". But the bigger surprise is that said pole is being erected in her pants! Because she's a man, see.

ï Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is about to undergo surgery for an "undisclosed medical condition". Lip reduction? Eyeliner tattoos? Scarfectomy?

"A website attempting to distribute an unauthorized tape of Colin Farrell was shut down. Mr. Farrell will take legal action against anyone who tries to distribute this tape."

But Narain's lawyer had quite a different slant on the situation:

"We're extremely upset. This is a black-market release. Nicole is not getting a dime from this. We're outraged – $14.95 is a ridiculous figure."

See, it has nothing to do with not wanting people to see your special private areas; it's all about the price. Joe Scumbag from Butte, Montana, should have to pay at least $29.95 to know what it looks like when pretty people pork. The website's owner, John Taylor, has a bit of a different opinion as to the site's unavailability. In an exclusive interview with Jossip.com, Taylor said,

"We put up a couple of offshore servers, and they were overwhelmed with visitors. Before we lost the servers, our traffic logs showed an immense response far larger than we had anticipated. To date, I have not received any legal representations from any party."

We're really trying to believe this John Taylor guy, although that does sound like a very unoriginal made-up name. If he's telling the truth there's still hope. In the meantime we'll just have to hold ourselves over with some Tom Sizemore schlong. Which isn't nearly as interesting.

Don't wait for the tape. Check out Nicole at MrSkin.com.

And see Colin's legendary member at MaleStars.com.

ï Orlando Bloom is tactless. And Gwyneth Paltrow is heavy with baby, for real though.

ï Die Hiltons!

ï Die Hiltons stuff Santa's stocking with hard nipples and thongs, that is.

ï And Heather Locklear says, "Hard nips? I'll show you hard nips, bitches. I was busting out the party hats before you were out of Luvs."

ï Rod Stewart swears that his marriage to Penny Lancaster will last the rest of his life. The old guy's got about 6 good years left in him, so we'd say that's doable.

ï Eva Longoria is a jolly clown.

ï When the rich are launched into space, and aliens finally meet delegates of Earth, the first face upon which they will lay their cold, shiny black eyes will be that of . . . Victoria Principal?

"L'acteur irlandais Colin Farrel a ÈtÈ victime d'une overdose vendredi lors du tournage en Uruguay du film tirÈ de la sÈrie tÈlÈvisÈe Miami Vice, rapporte lundi une radio locale. L'Èquipe des urgences mÈdicale, qui a examinÈ l'acteur, a retrouvÈ dans son sang des traces de cocaÔne, de majijuana et d'une autre drogue qui n'a pu Ítre identifiÈe, a indiquÈ la radio Sarandi.

Irish actor Colin Farrell was the victim of an overdose Friday, during shooting in Uruguay for the film based on TV series, Miami Vice, reported a local radio station, Monday. The emergency medical team, who examined the actor, found traces in his blood of cocaine, marijuana, and another drug which could not be identified, indicated radio Sarandi."

So. This is not really surprising. It's Colin Farrell. You know? We'd assume that his blood is made up of 85% Jameson, 7% Bolivian marching powder, 3% Oxycontin, 2% PCP, 2% Eros Male Enhancer, and 1% baby aspirin. And that it would smell like a dirty scalp. We're just pleased that this story has inspired us to finally put pen to paper and write the magnum opus we've been kicking around for several years now: Exhaustion! The Musical. We now have a male lead and a glamorous foreign setting (Uraguay!). All we have to do is secure a backer and get Lindsay's people to agree to our price and we'll be kissing this go-nowhere world of computernet scuttlebuttery goodbye and heading straight to Tony city, baby!

Want to see Colin's flesh kazoo? MaleStars.com will make that dream a reality.