ï Christina Milian upskirt. No labes, plenty of moundage. (Bossip)

ï Britney Spears visits elementary school; gently lays boob on 4th grader's arm. (Cityrag)

ï Megan Fox describes herself as a "man with a vagina". (Daily Stab)

ï Diora Baird in Maxim. Thanks for photoshopping those nipples out, Maxim. We almost got turned on there for a second. (Derek Hail)

ï Heather Locklear's DUI arrest was maybe a frame job! Dun dun DUN! (Bitten and Bound)

ï Top 10 sexiest Keeley Hazell videos of all time. (Unibrow)

ï Veronica, why are you pulling my dick? ME, and Martha DUMPTRUCK? Because I can be. Get crucial, she was dialing suicide hotlines in her diapers. Holy shit, we'll CRUCIFY her! Shannen "Heather Duke" Doherty spreads her gams and holds a bottle of cider over her poon for Details. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Jessica Simpson gives good blow-up doll face. (Fatback)

ï Given the choice, Nick Lachey would rather be stuck on a desert island with Satan than with his supremely vile former father-in-law, Papa Joe Simpson. That makes 6 billion of us, Nick.

ï Kate Moss might as well face that she's addicted to Pete Doherty. She wishes she knew how to quit him. Brokecrack Mountain?

ï Another Doherty–Shannen–angrily hung up on a Newsweek reporter after being asked about her fiery, Naomi-Campbell-like, fired-from-Spelling-shows days. God, you run over a boyfriend 15 years ago and you never hear the end of it!

ï "Christina Milian" kind of rhymes with "this tiny little thong". Sorta.

ï The divorce gets ugly: Travis Barker questions his estranged wife Shanna Moakler's parenting skills, booze intake, nail salon visits, and open-door vagina policy . . . on his MySpace blog! We can't wait until she hits back with a string of vitriolic friend comments and some extra-hot profile pics taken in the bathroom mirror.

ï Keith Urban, pre-tooth job looks an awful lot like Limahl of Kajagoogoo fame.

ï Note to Nicole Richie: when size 000 bikini bottoms start to look like droopy adult sumo diapers, it might be time to try a cruller or something.

ï One, two, princes kneel before you/thats what I said, now/princes, princes who adore you/just go ahead, now/William has a cosmo in his hand/that sounds great, now/Harry said he wants to honk your mam, now/aint in his head, now.

ï So who ended up winning that coveted Lucy Ewing role? Katie Cassidy, daughter of Partridge Family teen dreamboat David. Pictures here. "Rock Heiress". That's funny.

ï Mischa Barton on the beach, in a bikini. New! Improved! Now with 100% less Nicole Richie!

ï Gwyneth Paltrow is "cutting" some "hot tracks" in the studio, possibly for an album. Nothing could ever top the bunny-soft, bun-numbing pap-rock track "Cruisin'" she recorded with Huey Lewis. Why bother?

ï Star Jones: FIRED from The View! Barbara Walters: BETRAYED! Joy Behar: GLEEFUL! Al Reynolds: Gay as a garden party! Us: bored and hungry. You got any Pop Tarts or Li'l Hugs?

ï Jessica Simpson's new video involves Christina Applegate, Christina Milian, Eva Longoria, a terry-cloth romper, and roller skates. Sweet, it's just like the Dire Straits "Skateaway" video, only with famous broads. Yayyyy!

ï Britney: evil purple sea witch? Yes.

ï Well, Kate Beckinsale and her husband certainly look very together, after all.

ï Lindsay says, "I did not have sexual intercourse with . . . that man. Mr. McFly."

ï Someone stop Sharon Stone before she adopts again!