Christina Applegate is terrified her reconstructed breasts will pop out of her dress whenever she's at red carpet events, because she can't feel them.

The actress underwent a double mastectomy last year after she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and she had her breasts rebuilt and implants fitted.

Applegate is happy with her new bust, telling People.com, "I don't need to wear a bra. They don't hang down to my knees like they did before. They're pretty solid."

But she admits she's constantly terrified she's exposing herself: "The numbness is strange. I can't feel anything. I don't know if they're hanging out in clothes, so I need someone to make sure they're under wraps."

Though she wasn't into flinging the real things around when she had them, we get the impression that Christina would be pretty OK with such an unintentional unbaring. NBD, it's just a tit. But this raises an interesting question: Is a completely reconstructed boob really a boob? The way Christina talks about them, they sound a bit more like a handbag than a piece of anatomy.

ìI still have quite a process until this is done,î the actress says. ìYes, itís hard. It sucks. But Iím not a victim.î

She will undergo reconstructive surgery near her 37th birthday, at the end of November. She had a double mastectomy in July.

Surgery sucks but picking out your new boobs must rule. You can get any size or shape you'd want. Personally, we'd go for medium ones with built-in pockets on the sides. You know, for snacks.

Christina Applegate: sexpot to the Bundy extreme, is at MrSkin.com.

Christina Applegate, who was diagnosed with an early form of breast cancer this month, revealed on ABC's Good Morning America Tuesday that she has undergone a double mastectomy ñ even though cancer was only detected in one of her breasts.

Privately, she admits, "Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I scream, and I get really angry and I get really into wallowing in self-pity sometimes, and I think itís all part of healing."

Having watched her mother, Nancy Priddy, battle breast cancer ñ and then suffer from a recurrence many years later ñ the Emmy-nominated star of Samantha Who?, 36, told interviewer Robin Roberts that she wasnít taking any chances, especially since she has the breast cancer gene, BRCA1.

ìMy decision, after looking at all the treatment plans that were possibilities for me, the only one that seemed the most logical and the one that was going to work for me was to have a bilateral mastectomy,î said Applegate. ìSo basically I had a prophylactic double mastectomies.î

Explaining her rationale in taking that dramatic step, she said, ìI didnít want to go back to the doctors every four months for testing and squishing and everything. I just wanted to kind of be rid of this whole thing for me. This was the choice that I made, and it was a tough one.î

The surgery took place three weeks ago. She did not undergo radiation or chemotherapy. Asked her prognosis, Applegate told Roberts, also a cancer survivor, ìIím clear. Absolutely 100-percent clear and clean.î

Over the next eight months she will undergo reconstructive surgery. Iím gonna have cute boobs till Iím 90,î she quipped, as Roberts pointed out how Applegateís sense of humor has helped the actress endure the ordeal.

This is historically the part of the entry in which we make a nasty yet clever jab at the celebrity about whom we are reporting. Breast cancer isn't really a treasure trove of yuks though. So here's a joke. Did you hear about the cow that won the Nobel Prize? He was out standing in his field.

Enjoy Christina's cleavage of yore at MrSkin.com.

"Benefitting from early detection through a doctor-ordered MRI, the cancer is not life threatening. Christina is following the recommended treatment of her doctors and will have a full recovery."

Warm wishes to our beloved Ms. Applegate for a speedy recovery. But we still raise an anguished fist to the heavens and ask why? Why, of all the body parts of all the people in the world, did this tumor pick Christina's flawless breast? Why couldn't it have chosen Paris Hilton's ass flap? Then she can get it cut off and insurance will pay for it. And we all win. Yaaaayyy!

Pay homage to Christina Applegate's breasts at MrSkin.com.

* So that's the Enquirer. Whatever. But doesn't the uplifting message of toddlers with birthday cake all over their mugs just scream People? Or at least Baby Bukkake Monthly.

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