CelebNewsWire» Christina Aguilera Archives – CelebNewsWire

Singers Need Stuff: A VMA Rider Compendium

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 17:36:15 +0000

Today we read a list of stars' rider demands for the VMAs and wondered: what, exactly, would happen if Kid Rock's yogurts were full fat? What would go down if Christina Aguilera's candles were presented with a lighter instead of a pack of matches? Would these singers be thrown into a tailspin and rendered unable to perform? Would they wither and die like hothouse flowers? Here's In Touch Weekly's list (via Celebitchy) of who needed what at the VMAs:

Christina Aguilera
- 1 large boom box that plays CDs, no alarm clock stereos
- 1 full length mirror
- 1 space heater
- 1 table just for makeup and dressing
- 2 bottles of Veuve Clicquot champagne
- 3 LíOccitane vanilla-scented candles with matches
- 1 cozy blanket
- 4 black bath towels
- 1 case of Arrowhead water

Rihanna
- 1 lighted professional makeup mirror
- 2 Trish McEvoy blueberry candles
- 1 large, comfy sofa
- 24 Buffalo wings, hot sauce on the side
- 1 whole roasted chicken, spiced with jerk seasoning and cut into parts

Kid Rock
- 1 toaster
- 1 tube of ChapStick
- 1 pack of white crew socks
- 2 bottles of Grey Goose or Ketel One vodka
- 2 low fat yogurts (raspberry)
- 1 package of baby wipes

Jonas Brothers
- 8 Red Bull Sugarfree beverages, plus 6 regular Red Bulls
- 2 plastic bottles of room-temperature apple juice
- 12 bath-size towels (must be freshly laundered)
- 24 pieces of California sushi rolls
- 1 package of Oreo Double Stuff
- 6 bottles Vitaminwater (yellow, red, orange)
- 3 packages of Listerine Pocket-packs breath strips

They say you can learn a lot about a person by how they dress or how they treat their mother. We think you can learn more about a person by what they have on their rider. For example, we now know that Rihanna is cool and has great taste in food. And that Christina Aguilera needs to set a mood before she performs. And that the Jonas Brothers' rider was most likely manufactured by their publicist in a bid to seem as wholesome as their image (apple juice and Oreos? Come on) , when in reality they probably demanded German scat porn and some speedballs. And that Kid Rock has chapped lips and a dirty anus. And enjoys Eggos.

You can has Christina Aguilera nude at MrSkin.com.

Christina Aguilera Has Big Thingies

Agent E. — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 19:00:52 +0000

Welcome, children, to a new edition of things you already know. Today's lesson: Christina Aguilera has huge cha-chas. When it comes to learning a new concept, it's best to repeat memorization exercises until the knowledge has implanted itself in your brain. But instead of looking at a one dollar bill and reciting, "George Washington is on the one dollar bill. George Washington was the first president of the United States. One dollar bill=first president," you will be committing to memory these pictures of Xtina's slammin' sandbags and saying, "Christina Aguliera is a huge star. Stars are pointy, just like boobs. Christina Aguilera has huge boobs." That's all for today, students. For homework we'd like you to study these pictures of Xtina until you are certain that you can remember that Christina Aguilera=giant gazongas.

If you like these ta-tas, find more Christina Aguilera sexiness at MrSkin.com.

She Is Nude-iful, No Matter What They Say

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 18:22:01 +0000

After yesterday's seemingly endless onslaught of topless supermodels, today seems like a total letdown. Then again, after a one-two knockout of Klum/Crawford boobs, anything short of Gisele's labes pressed against our monitor is a drag. So here. Here, enjoy this vintage David LaChapelle shoot of naked Christina Aguilera, undies-clad Pamela Anderson, and a bunch of other people that's making the e-rounds this morning. We're assuming they're styling this to ape Andy Warhol's Factory, but to our knowledge, none of the Factory regulars in 1965 had silicone breast implants the size of tetherballs. After the cut, Christina's soup cans!

We're fairly sure you didn't wake up this morning and think you'd be starting off your day looking at a naked lady in a do-rag sitting on a Hazmat barrel, did you? But hey, at the Celeb News Wires you can expect the unexpected.

More Agui-boobies at MrSkin.com.

Xtina's Xtremely Xpansive Xtremities

Agent E. — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:59:16 +0000

OK, so obviously we know that Christina Aguilera has gigantic non-genuine gazongas. But have they grown recently? Those things are monumental. Perhaps in her baby-rearing down time Xtina is actually a super talented scientist who has devoted herself to discovering space-age polymers (we're not quite sure what those are; we think we heard about them on The Jetsons) that can grow and shrink at their master's will. Sweater feeling a little loose in the boobal area? All Christina has to do is give her nipples a couple of tweaks and her breast flesh (or flesh-like plasticine material, as it were) will expand to fill in the excess material. By the time little Max turns five, Xtina should be able to discover the key to turning off her magical breast expansion and contraction so she doesn't accidentally smother Jordan Bratman during foreplay.

Find more pics of Christina's super-sized cantaloupes at The Superficial.

Get an eyeful of Xtina's pierced nips at MrSkin.com.

CNW Junk Drawer: CBT

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 17:11:51 +0000

ï Brittany Snow not naked, but well-versed in cock and ball torture in On the Doll! (Fatback)

ï In case you were wondering if Pam Anderson's nipples were still inching their way towards her armpits, the answer is a resounding yes! (Taxi Driver)

ï Abigail Clancy: dumpy name, glamorous naked boobs in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Despite her assertions to the contrary, Jessica Alba is most definitely shopping around pics of her baby. (Cityrag)

ï Awwww. Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson, happy and hugging. Not as exciting as groaning and fingerblasting, but we make do with what we're given. (Yeeeah!)

ï Sienna Miller enjoys sleeping with . . . . . . . . . . . Heath Ledger's pajamas. (CelebWarship)

ï Heather Locklear throws some gang signs. Yo yo yo, northeast siiiiiide, Bev Hills, dis ya girl Heathuh! Brentwoooooood! Respect! (The Blemish)

ï Paul Newman has lung cancer. Noooooooooooooooooooooooo. (Hollywire)

ï Elizabeth Hurley continues to dress her son like he's Little Lord Fauntleroy. (Allie Is Wired)

ï Does Christina Aguilera have her eye on another, nonsimian man? (Hollyscoop)

ï Firecrotch-spouter Brandon Davis has gone from Fat Elvis to slightly less fat Elvis. (Faded Youth)

Xtina Fights for Her Right to Party

Agent E. — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 17:45:25 +0000

We never thought we had any particular interest in Christina Aguilera. She's got big jugs, she has actual talent, someone seriously needs to dig a hole in her backyard and throw in every scrap of makeup she owns for the good of mankind, she's married to a monkey. Our thoughts on Xtina pretty much end there. But this past week has proven that we secretly harbor a deep love for her (and her deepest, cleaviest crevice). Four days in a row of Christina stories! It's Xtina xtreem! Strap on your 'boarding boots and slam a Dew, cause Christina says it's a-OK to party, dudes. People reports:

Make no mistake, Christina Aguilera loves her baby. But she likes the nightlife, too.

"Once in a while, if I want to go out and have a mommy-daddy night with my husband, I am more than allowed to do that," the singer ñ who gave birth to son Max Liron in January ñ told Access Hollywood.

This past weekend, for example, she hit Las Vegas's Pure nightclub at Caesars Palace to help celebrate the launch of an Xtina-inspired jewelry line, the Stephen Webster Silver Collection.

"I spend all day with my son," Aguilera, 27, told the TV show ñ adding that any criticism of her late-night outings with husband Jordan Bratman is downright "mean spirited."

"Everybody has an opinion and everybody sometimes wants to cause drama," she said. "But it's something that comes with what you do and I learned that very early on."

God, what's the big deal? So the lady had a few drinks and groped on a girl a little bit. It's not like she took Max to the party and filled his bottle with Beam & Coke. He was probably safely asleep in his crib dreaming of Mommy's boobies. Which, come to think of it, was probably what we were doing at about the same time. That was a good night.

Christina gets dirrrty at MrSkin.com.

Babies Make Christina Aguilera Feel Sexy

Agent E. — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 17:55:30 +0000

Some women need high heels, sexy lingerie, or red lipstick to feel sexy; not Christina Aguilera. She's at her sexiest when she's passing a pissing, shitting, squealing infant through her vagina. In fact, motherhood so makes her ladyparts throb that she's planning on doing it again. Reports The Sun:

FANS of CHRISTINA AGUILERAíS gargantuan post-pregnancy boobs need not fear shrinkage ñ sheís planning on having plenty more kids to keep them pumped up.

The Dirrty beautyís breasts have maintained their eye-popping shape and size since the January birth of her son, MAX, with husband JORDAN BRATMAN.

And nature wonít be granted much time to reduce them if the singer ñ who credits motherhood with making her feel ìvery sexyî ñ goes through with plans to add to her brood.

When asked if she wants more babies, Christina replied: ìYes, absolutely. Absolutely!

ìMotherhood comes very naturally to me. I think a whole new confidence comes with being a mother. I feel very confident and very sexy as a mother.î

So other than having a bald baby knawing on her fake funbag, what makes Christina feel sexy? Cleaning toilets, evacuating her dog's anal glands, and this guy:

What can we say? It's pretty hard to dispute good taste.

Xtina gets steamy at MrSkin.com.

Christina Aguilera Enjoys Life

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 17:59:47 +0000

Yesterday we posted a little profile of Hollywood's greatest entertainer, Funbags the Clown. It seems that our coverage of her clowning skills worked wonders for her career, as she was invited to perform for kids at a little party at a nice place called
Tenjune. Says Yeeeah!:

Christina Aguilera and her [female] companion put on a sexy show by dancing close to each other. 26-year-old Christina even grabbed her friendís head and rubbed her face into her breast as their racy dancing continued.

It's great to see a modern twist on the clown classics. In lieu of juggling bowling pins, Funbags allowed the female partygoer to juggle her jugs. But man, you don't want to know how she updated the ole "squirting buttonhole flower" trick.

Xtina's pierced ta-tas are Aguiluscious at MrSkin.com.

Christina Aguilera Has Large Shoes and a Comically Tiny Car

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 17:51:06 +0000

And here we have Hollywood's hottest chuckle-maker, Funbags the Clown, at an event this past weekend. Although Funbags is extremely popular, she is available for your child's birthday party, any and all ribbon-cutting ceremonies, carnivals and street fairs, and bat mitzvahs. Watch in wonder as she removes the balloons from her chest cavity and fashions them into giraffes and wiener dogs for the kiddies.

Clown around with naked Christina Aguilera at MrSkin.com.

Christina Aguilera and Hubby Reenact Showgirls Pool Scene; Disgust the Elderly

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 17:56:23 +0000

The coolest thing about being a totally in-your-face rock star is freakin' out the square, am I right or am I right, people? Christina Aguilera sure as hell knows what we're talking about–apparently, she's got all the fogies in her neighborhood shaking their colostomy bags with ire because she and monkey-man husband Jordan Bratman insist on enjoying extremely loud naked lust sessions in their backyard pool. An irritated neighbor complained to Star:

ìThey donít just splash around ó they laugh, scream, swear and make sexy noises. Weíre happy that theyíre happy, but we wish theyíd keep it down a bit. There are a lot of old people who live around here, and they donít like noise after the dinner hour.î

Although it's no Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Scream with Sensual Ecstasy in the Wilds of Africa, it's a nice display of connubial passion, to be sure. Though it's a bummer that their game of Marco Hole-o is causing the elderly to have trouble digesting their liver and onions during Empty Nest reruns. It's like Cocoon, in reverse.

Christina is NAKED at MrSkin.com.