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Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson: One More Time, with Feeling

Agent E. — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:38:34 +0000

Kate Hudson continues to bore us with her humping choices. But at least this time we've been there before, so we can just pretend it's 2001 again and not have to get used to anything new. Plus, in 2001 nobody had formed the brilliant idea to combine celebrity names into one zippy catchphrase yet, so Kate and Chris Robinson have got that going for them. According to MSNBC:

Just days after Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong went their separate ways, the tabloid grapevine had the actress in the arms of her ex-boyfriend, former hockey pro Eric Lindros.

Now OK magazine reports the ìFoolís Goldî star is getting cozy with another ex ó her ex-husband, Chris Robinson.

Kate and the Black Crowes rocker reportedly were caught in a lip-lock just outside the apartment she shares with their son, Ryder.

ìThey were really affectionate with each other and gave each other a kiss which lasted much longer than a platonic kiss should last ó 20 seconds, maybe a little longer,î an eyewitness revealed. ìWithout going into all the details, the kiss was more than just friends. They seemed like (there was) something more going on and were very affectionate with each other.î

How long should a platonic kiss last, eyewitness? Eight seconds? Ten? And were you standing by with a stop watch or a waterproof Timex to see just how much more than friends Kate and Chris were? God, you're nosy, eyewitness. Don't you have some scrapbooking or something to keep you busy?

Before Chris Robinson came along, Kate Hudson got nude. See it at MrSkin.com.

"It Smells Like Daddy's Concert!"

Agent E. — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 17:50:48 +0000

Yesterday we learned that little Ryder Russell Robinson's mommy possesses an ass that resembles two delectably stuffed throw pillows. Today we learn that his daddy smells a lot like Keith Richards. According to Page Six:

RYDER Robinson, the 4-year-old son of Kate Hudson and Black Crowes frontman Chris Robinson, knows what a grown-up party smells like. While staying at the Raleigh in South Beach, Hudson and Ryder got into an elevator that "smelled like cigarettes and booze from the night before," our spy said. Ryder looked at his mother and said, "It smells like Daddy's concert!" Mother and son are in Miami while Hudson makes a movie and hangs out with ex-boyfriend, Owen Wilson. Also at the hotel (and filming as well) were RenÈe Zellweger and Demi Moore.

Since Ryder is only four, we don't expect him to recognize more than an overall odor. But he is heir to the Black Crowes empire, so by at least seven or eight we would expect his palate to have developed enough to distinguish between tobacco and weed and Jim Beam and Jack Daniels. And by no later than ten, Ryder will be able to tell you with one swift whiff which Jamaican municipality produced the pot you're about to smoke.

Threesomes Come Along a Dime by the Dozen, Kate Thinks That Ain't Nothin' But Ten Cent Lovin'

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 17:59:37 +0000

As we mentioned before, Kate Hudson's marriage is not only over, she's reportedly saddled up, slipped her dainty feet into the well-worn stirrups, and trotted off on the sinewy back of The Butterscotch Stallion. But the impetus for doing so might not be a simple "irreconcilable differences"–Kate reportedly has grown weary of playing the part of the meat in a Chris Robinson-giggling groupie sandwich.

From talking about how humans should be non-manogamous to her willingness and openness when it comes to popping a well-worn VHS copy of Up Your Ass!! 11 into the VCR, Kate Hudson has always been careful to promote her image as the freewheelin', freelovin', totally open for business sexual free spirit. But as it turns out, Kate may tread more traditional waters. In a totally unsubtantiated yet undeniably hilarious bit, today's PopBitch reads:

Speculation surrounding the end of Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson's marriage seems to be focusing on her close friendship with Owen Wilson. But there were longer-term issues. Like many rocks singers, Chris is fond of group sex and threesomes while on tour, and Black Crowes insiders had often seen Chris and Kate heading to their hotel with a keen groupie or fan in tow. But by the end of the last tour Kate was said to be tagging along like a turkey on its way to Christmas lunch.

In showbiz, this is called "The Fonda-Vadim" (not to be confused with "The Fonda-Turner", a whooolllle different beast). The joke is probably on Kate, however, because if you're looking to get out of a situation in which you're roped into nonstop threesomes, Owen Wilson doesn't really seem like a safe harbor of monogamous missionary sex and no-expectations spooning.

Kate the Great gets nekkid at MrSkin.com.

The Marriage Crasher

Agent E. — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 17:59:29 +0000

Yesterday we were indescribably bored by the break-up of Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson because there were no details. Today we learn that Kate might be getting some sweet, sweet salad tossing from a Stallion of the Butterscotch variety. Way to go, Kate. You caught our interest with nary a slipped nip in sight.

Three days ago the mention of Kate Hudson's name merely made us want to go look at old pictures of her mom naked (which we probably would've done anyway), but since the Kate gossip has turned from "I'm so kooky wacky, watch me fashion a condom out of some day-old beef stew and a carpet remnant" to divorce and cheating and all manner of salaciousness, we finally see Kate as her own noteworthy person. Us Weekly constructs this story of lovable adultery:

Sources tell Us that Hudson has spent several nights at her You, Me and Dupree costarís Santa Monica, California, pad in the last few weeks. ìThis is not a fling,î says a source close to the couple. ìKate is crazy about him. Owen gives her so much attention, and she loves it. [Thatís why] she wants her marriage to be over.î
Three days before the split, a Wilson source told Us, ìOwen is not-so-secretly hoping she will leave Chris so they wouldnít have to hide. He is falling for her.î

We can only assume that Kate's joy over her Stallion-centric attention means that her perfect afternoon, unlike other celebs who love a couple hours in the Kitson dressing room and a twenty dollar iced tea and carrot stick lunch at the local hip canteen, involves the simplest of life's many pleasures: an extended bout of leisurely butt licking.

Kate learned a few things from her mom. She's also naked at MrSkin.com.

You, Me, and Divorce

Agent E. — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 17:55:35 +0000

We warned you, Kate Hudson, but you just wouldn’t listen. Let this be a lesson to future scissors-averse starlets: If you allow your son’s hair to grow to Cornsilk Cabbage Patch Kid Becky LaRue lengths, you will end up in divorce court. It’s simple cause and effect, people.

We don’t know the reason behind Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson’s separation, and frankly we don’t really care. All we know is that “She Talks to Angels” is going to the predominate sound in our head all day, and for that someone must pay. So when you hear of a mysterious figure with a beard that weighs more than his body strangling record-store patrons with a long, patterned scarf, don’t turn us in right away. Give us a chance to flee to a Utopian land yet unsullied by anyone shaking their money maker.
Anyway, on with the details. Wait, there are no details. People reports that the couple is splitting after six years of marriage. There is no word from the couple’s reps at this time. Wow. Exciting stuff. So in lieu of a fancy credibility-enhancing quote here, we’ll just point out that Kate was in a movie called Le Divorce. This of course signals to us that Kate’s life from here on in will be comprised solely of her acting roles taking real-life form. Next we will expect her to get trapped in a miserable relationship with Matthew McConaughey and try to get him to dump her by withholding sex. Yeah, good luck with that one, Kate.

Kate: Free from Chris and free from her top at MrSkin.com.