“I stayed. I even went back after he beat me, which was wrong … I’m a human being and people put me on a very unrealistic pedestal. I’m not perfect. It’s pretty natural for that to be the first reaction. It’s completely normal to go back and start lying to yourself. The minute the physical wounds go away, you want this thing to go away. This is a memory you don’t want to have again.”

And then she ran her fingers through her bleached flop, jumped on her Vision, and did some ollies while listening to Suicidal Tendencies’ “Join the Army” on tape.

Note: CelebNewsWire does not condone or make light of domestic violence but we do think Rihanna’s current hairdo is real funny.

. . . the victim then faced the defendant and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then continued driving. As he drove, he continued to punch the victim in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand.”

Rihanna told cops the “assault caused her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter over her clothing and the inside of the car.”

Brown placed Rihanna in a headlock while he drove, then bit her on her left ear. The car eventually stopped and Rihanna took the keys out of the ignition, and Brown began to punch her again in the face and arms. He placed her in a headlock and started applying pressure to her carotid artery. She couldn’t breathe and began to lose consciousness. She tried freeing herself, and Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and then released her.

Think nobody could be a bigger bowel movement than Chris Brown? Dig, if you will, some of the refined comments from TMZ users:

if he never hit nobody before her then it’s her fault.

why don’t u guys tell about how she slapped him and beat on him in previous incidences. She is no innocent victim here, she started it, and then when she got her ass beat, she screams foul. Sick of her and she will do it again with the next guys, just wait and see.

wow, she sounds like a little Bit–, If your man enough to talk crap to a guy then you should be man enough to get your ass kicked. You dont want your ass kicked you say? then shut up and act like a lady and I’ll act like a gentleman!

Thank you for the thought-provoking commentary, America. A question: is it hard to type with the end of your ivory-tipped cane while peering through a monocle? Because that is some classy shit.

We suppose taking the time to memorize a script someone wrote and make a video is worth something. So well done, Chris Brown. And way to bring the Gordon Gartrell shirt back into vogue.

Chris Brown has copped a plea in his assault case. He won't do jail time, but he will spend 6 months doing things like road cleanup. He's also been ordered to stay 50 yards clear of Rihanna.

He'll spend 180 days doing community labor (8 hours a day — 1440 hours total) — which is, in effect, hard labor. He'll do his service in Virginia which is where Brown lives. A Virginia law enforcement officer told us Brown will be picking up trash, pulling weeds and washing fire trucks.

He gets 5 years probation for FELONY assault — he pled guilty. He'll get supervised probation. He'll have to come back to court every three months.

Stars doing dirty jobs is always awesome, so we have to admit, seeing the multi-millionaire singer of "Kissy Kissy" wearing orange and scraping opossums off the highway would be pretty funny. Like the time we saw Boy George mopping, only with more flies.

ìShe says sheís going to release her own photos of Chris. She has less-than-flattering nude pics of him that she plans on leaking. Rihanna says heíll be really embarrassed,î Rihannaís pal said. The source informed that Rihanna sets this plan once after she has calmed down from the rage after the leak of her nude photos.

Not only pictures, Rihanna also reportedly plans to reveal Chrisí sexual performance to make him ashamed. Rihanna is already telling friends that Chris was a clumsy novice at lovemaking until ìshe taught him everything he knows.î The pal added, ìSheís going to ruin his sexy image.î

Obviously the embarrassing quality of these photos is that Brown's member is a midge. But we can hope for more. Like costumes. Costumes involving a Viking helmet and assless chaps. Or maybe the pics will reveal that he has a very ill-advised tattoo. Maybe Taz pissing on Calvin pissing on an ankh?

DISCLAIMER: CelebNewsWire in no way believes that Rihanna is planning on releasing nude photos of Chris Brown, embarrassing or otherwise. We also still don't really believe that those supposed Rihanna nudes are actually her. We do, however, still believe that Chris Brown is A ASSHOLE.

Chris Brown is moving on.

The R&B singer has started dating again since his troubled relationship with pop chanteuse Rihanna ended last month, and it appears he has gotten back together with another ex-girlfriend.

Brownís new/old lady is University of Mary Washington student Erica Jackson. ì[Chris and Erica] met in Virginia, where heís from,î a source close to the singer says. ìThey dated back in the day and reconnected a few weeks ago when Chris was in town. Theyíve been spending a lot of time together, but things only really heated up over the last two weeks.î

And while Jackson is ìno Rihanna,î the general consensus among his friends and family is that the new girl is going to be good for him in the long run. ì[Erica] has a good head on her shoulders; sheís solid,î says our insider. Chris and his new gal pal were spotted leaving a Sunset Blvd. tattoo parlor on Saturday afternoon.

ìSheís more of a plain Jane ó cute though,î says our source. At the very least, sheís helping to ease Chrisí pain over Rihanna. He was mad in love with that girl.î

According to pals, the ìmadî one in this love trifecta will be Rihanna herself. ìShe is going to be pissed!î says a pal of the pop starlet. ìRi is going to be so hurt that Chris has moved on so quickly and is parading this new girl around town.î

Oh, that poor girl. What must she have encountered in the dating world for her to think, "Sure, I'll have another go with a man very publicly accused of beating his girlfriend"? A man who cried during sex? A man who openly ate his own boogers? Zach Braff?

The leaked police photo of Rihanna's battered face stunned and horrified the world. But now Star has learned that the pop princess worries that other shocking images could go public ó wild sex tapes of her with abusive boyfriend Chris Brown!

In the March 30 issue of Star ó on sale now ó we report that Rihanna allowed Chris to record some of their, um, intimate moments and ó she worries that the racy tapes could ruin her ó especially after seeing how quickly Chris turned on her once before.

"Rihanna has no issues with her sexuality," a source tells Star. "But she'd be mortified if her friends and family found this out!"

Insiders say Rihanna is still emotionally fragile and vulnerable since the Feb. 8 assault that left her nearly unconscious.

"This whole beating incident is terribly humiliating for her. She's already traumatized and will do anything to make it all go away as quickly as possible," explains the insider.

Generally we're into the idea of celebrity sex tapes. We've seen offerings from both Chyna and Screech, so you know we're committed (or maybe that is should be committed). But we don't like the idea of seeing a Chris Brown/Rihanna sex tape. We think the experience would be icky, kind of like seeing two crackheads making out in the back of a public bus. Sure, you would be seeing Rihanna's tits, but you'd know what her future held and you'd just want to yell, "No, Rihanna, no! Don't go in the basement!" But she's gonna go in the basement. Doomed.

ï Jenny McCarthy and Botox, sitting in a tree. (IMDb)

ï On again/off again couple Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are off again. Until the engagement rumors start, oh, in 5 hours or so. (The Blemish)

ï Katy Perry sexy in Esquire magazine. She's got big chugs and we like it. (Yeeeah!)

ï Chris Brown will not be receiving a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award, despite him being a terrific role model for children, what with the girlfriend beating and all. (Anything Hollywood)

ï It's rumored that 3 of the Kardashian sisters will get nude in Playboy. Best have a tri-fold cover to house all dat azz. (Faded Youth)

ï Anne Heche gave birth to her second son yesterday. His name is Atlas. Who gave Celestia a copy of 1001 Names for Your Newborn? (Celebitchy)

ï According to the folks at Dancing with the Stars, Denise Richards is a harridan on par with Faye Dunaway mixed with Joan Crawford mixed with Helen Lawson. (Pop on the Pop)

ï Aw. Poor James Franco. Little guy's all tuckered out. Shhh. (CelebWarship)

No one can say for sure whether Chris Brown and Rihanna are on the same page, but Brown apparently wants them to be on the same track.

The seemingly reconciled duo have been working on a duet that Brown is hoping to include on his new album, due out later this year, a studio source tells E! News. "They've been working on it together," the insider says.

It would be kind of funny if they were doing a remake of "Hit Me Baby One More Time". Or "He Hit Me (And It Felt Like a Kiss)". Or "Mama Said Knock You Out". Or maybe something off Cabbage Patch Kids Christmas, that would be nice.