CelebNewsWire» celebs posing for Playboy Archives – CelebNewsWire

Playboy Knows What the Kids Want: Tara Reid Nude

Agent E. — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 15:04:48 +0000

Friday we brought you the news that Playboy, in a misguided bid to up their twenty-something readership, was putting a strategically nude Marge Simpson on the cover. And today we’ve learned that another upcoming issue will feature Tara Reid nude. Because she’s so hot right now. She was in that big summer blockbuster American Pie. People just can’t stop talking about it. Her career is about to blow up. She’s totally going to be the next Julia Roberts. Or at least the next Pam Anderson. Because it’s 1999. Says In Touch:

In Touch can exclusively reveal that Tara Reid has stripped down to pose for the cover of an upcoming issue of Playboy magazine. The American Pie star, who underwent a botched liposuction procedure in 2004, posed entirely nude for the popular magazine at a private residence on October 7 in Santa Monica, Calif. Although Tara, 33, was a bit nervous shooting, she seemed to ease into it as the day went on. “She was a bit insecure about her body when they first started,” says an insider. “She looked great and finally got into the groove.” Tara had said in the past that she would never pose for Playboy, saying, “I know there are problems with my stomach. There are bumps on it, it’s uneven, but it’s not that bad. My stomach scars are my battle wounds.”

What’s next, Playboy? Hotly anticipated nudes from of-the-moment stars like Lisa Lisa and Juice Newton?

Marge Simpson’s Nude D’oh-nuts Pose for Playboy

Agent E. — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 15:29:56 +0000

We’ve known for a while that Playboy was going downhill. They can’t pull in the big names anymore and have to resort to the desperate for publicity (Heidi Montag), the desperate for publicity (Aubrey O’Day), and the desperate for publicity (Kim Kardashian). And there’s not even that much nudity most of the time. So, while once again failing to nab who the public really wants to see, like Lindsay Lohan or Megan Fox, Playboy has hit the last resort: cartoon nudity. Or make that implied cartoon nudity. God, when you can’t even get a cartoon to show her poon, there’s seriously something wrong. The Chicago Sun-Times reports:

The magazine, which appears on newsstands Oct. 16, will feature Simpson in a three-page pictorial that a Playboy spokeswoman described as “sexy” with “implied nudity.” Subscribers, who make up 40 percent of Playboy’s readership, will get a celebrity on the cover rather than Marge.

The Marge Simpson centerfold is “obviously somewhat tongue-in-cheek,” [new CEO Scott] Flanders said in an interview Thursday. “It had never been done, and we thought it would be kind of hip, cool and unusual.”

The idea is to attract readers in their 20s — an appealing demographic compared with the average Playboy reader’s age of 35, Flanders said.

Wait, Playboy thinks that Marge Simpson will appeal to readers in their 20s? WTF kind of logic is that? To our understanding the average Simpsons fan is at least 34 and only watched maybe two episodes last season. The Simpsons has been around so long at this point, anyone under the age of 30 probably lumps it into the same category as radio, CDs, email, and land lines: for old people. But we guess when your company is headed by someone older than Mr. Burns, he’s probably too busy wondering why those whippersnappers are so hip on the Lindy Hop and ending Prohibition.

God’s Handiwork in Playboy Again

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 15:55:38 +0000

Remember when gun-toting, fame-fellating reality cretin Heidi Montag posed for Playboy, and did not technically get naked? Well, all you Heidi fans (hi, Spencer Pratt) out there may have one more chance. It sounds as if she’s gearing to haul her nuggets before the camera once again. According to US Weekly,

“Always leave them asking for more,” [Montag] said on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show Tuesday. “Next time, I’ll have more to reveal.” Asked if she has a two- or three-part Playboy deal, she coyly replied, “Maybe.”

Though many of the photos were racy, she said she didn’t feel she compromised her Christianity. “For me personally, I feel like God created the body, and the body is beautiful,” she said. “The way God created us was naked. So I am not ashamed of it. I’m proud of it… This was such a blessed experience.”

That’s a nice way to look at it. After all, our glorious Father did create Heidi’s sexy body. Except for the tits. Those are by Dr. Michael J. Schechter.

Gross Topic of the Day: Heidi Montag’s Orgasms

Agent E. — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 16:12:08 +0000

Some days we just want to watch you suffer. That’s why today is filled with Hannah Montana’s cherries, tales of Jon and Kate, and now Heidi Montag’s sex life. Yay! Maybe if you’re lucky we can scare up a story about Denise Richards’s bowel movements. Anywho, Heidi’s Playboy pics have hit the web (we won’t post ‘em due to our overwhelming fear of men in expensive suits, but you can see them at Hollywood Tuna), and—surprise!—there’s no actual nudity. Maybe, MAYBE, a tiny bit of butt crack, but not really. But the accompanying interview, that shit’s gold. If by “gold” we mean “horribly disgusting piles of upchucked sweet corn.” If you don’t want to know what a wonderful, expert lover Spencer Pratt is, stop reading now. If you do want to know, you’ve got moxie, kid. Spencer conducted the Playboy interview, in which Heidi said:

You know, I was never very sexual before I met you, Spencer. I knew what sex was, but when I met you I entered into a whole new realm of understanding, from fantasy to love. Or to experience a day with 20 or 30 orgasms. Before you, sex was just something that happened. Now it’s something I look forward to every minute of the day . . . it makes me want to try every new thing, doing it all kinds of ways — indoors, outdoors, upside down.

Man, 20 to 30 times a day? How do they find the time? We’d think that famewhoring would take up at least 90% of their day. Maybe that deal they made with the devil included erasing the need for sleep.

Follow us on Twitter and maybe we’ll tell you how many orgasms we have a day. Probably not. But we will definitely tell you how many craps we take a day.

Heidi Montag Is a Work of Tart

Agent E. — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 14:47:22 +0000

Chances are there’s maybe one dude reading this right now who’s thinking, “Man, I’ve just gotta know whether or not Heidi Montag really gets naked in the next issue of Playboy. She is so smoking hot and not at all the most annoying person on the planet.” Sure, that’s a big maybe, but if that one guy is out there, we’ve just got to say sorry. We don’t know yet. But what we do know is that Heidi’s Playboy pics are better art than any of that shit Picasso ever did. Dude was such a hack. Or so says Spencer Pratt, art critic. Sayeth the Pratt:

[The photos are] beautiful art. Not, like, Picasso art – real beautiful art, you know what I’m saying?

[Playboy] kind of had a vision… and we brought in Matthew Rolston, who is a very well-known, amazing photographer. So, it’s more art.

Decades from now, art museums will finally see the light and throw big ol’ turds like Guernica and The Old Guitarist right in the trash bin and replace them with giant nudes of Heidi Montag. There will also be monuments to her beauty in every town square, and America will be renamed Heidionia.

CNW Junk Drawer: Heidi Montag Twatt

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 18:41:37 +0000

You WILL see Heidi Montag nude in Playboy. Just what you always wanted! (Yeeeah!)
Hands off the Brad Pitt. Do not touch the Brad Pitt. That means you, Ann Curry. (Anything Hollywood)
When Megan Fox gets a manicure, she actually gets a pedicure. Get it? No? Click on the link then, Einstein. (The Blemish)
Real Madrid soccer dude Cristiano Ronaldo allegedly let Paris Hilton handle his balls. (The Hollywood Gossip)
Aw, Britney found a nice boy. (Drunken Stepfather)
Cher’s kid, Chastity Bono, is transitioning into a dude. You go Chaz. P.S. Insert obligatory “gonna have a Bono” joke here. (Bitten and Bound)
Part Gollum, part Grinch, and allllllll sexy: Phil Spector without his wig(s). (CelebWarship)
Usher and his wife are splitzo. (Pop on the Pop)
Sandra Bullock likes her tits. Heeeeeey, so do we! BFFS!!!! (Daily Stab)

"You know, Lindsay Lohan. That drunk redhead with the huge cans."

Agent E. — Mon, 18 May 2009 17:48:23 +0000

Hugh Hefner is somewhere in the vicinity of 8000 years old, so we don't really blame him for not knowing who Lindsay Lohan is. She doesn't hold a candle to that hot minx Clara Bow. Now there was a stah, dahling. And we can't exactly see Hef and The Girls Next Door sitting around in their jammies with a couple bowls of popcorn watching Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Plus, old guys can't remember stuff too good. If it weren't for his 19-year-old twin girlfriends saying, "Here honey, take your Viagra. It'll help your penis grow. You do remember what your penis is, don't you? It's above your knees but below your belly button? You pee out of it?" Anyway, Hef doesn't know LiLo. According to RadarOnline:

When asked if Lindsay Lohan could make the cut for Playboy, her name had to be repeated several times before Hefner even realized who she was!

Fear not, Lindsay. Once it dawned on him, Hefner seemed open to the idea.

But then again, maybe this has nothing to do with Hef's advancing age. Maybe this just illustrates Lindsay's advancing irrelevance. Before long, her name will reside alongside the likes of Lori Petty and Martika in TMZ's annoyingly cutesy 'Memba Them?

CNW Junk Drawer: Two of Hearts

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 17:59:19 +0000

Mel Gibson takes his new Russian mistress out on the town. She’s not the same Russian lady named Oksana that was earlier claimed, but this one is still hot, in an odd, Stacey Q kind of way. (Yeeeah!)
Want to hear Julia Roberts say “tits”, “ass” and “fuck” about a million times? (Fatback)
Lauren Conrad is leaving The Hills. Well, see ya. (CelebWarship)
Heidi Montag in Playboy? Down, boys. No, literally. Down. Your penises. (Daily Stab)
Britney gets a permanent restraining order on Sam Lufti, which is kind of like erecting an electric fence around her. (Anything Hollywood)
Huge A-list star Pamela Anderson attends the opening of a strip club, much like your cousin Tammy after a meth binge. (Drunken Stepfather)

CNW Junk Drawer: Extra Special "All Sexy Ladies" Edition

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:05:25 +0000

Jessica Alba ass, all wrapped up with a bow. (IDLYITW)
Lady Gaga has tape on her nipples, so they won’t poke-her-face. ZING! (Jezebel)
Cheerleader coach Carlie Becker, who was shitcanned for posing for Playboy. Rah rah, sis boob bah. (Bitten and Bound)
Jordana Brewster in Maxim. You’ll masturbate fast and/or furiously. (Gone Hollywood)
Evan Rachel Wood plus lingerie plus sexy plus gun minus Manson equals GQ spread. (ICYDK)
Alessandra Ambrosio poses for Homem Vogue and she’s pretty much naked. A G-string, after all, is just a few woven threads away from bunghole. (The Daily Fix)

CNW Junk Drawer: My Paris Lies Over the Ocean

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 18:09:59 +0000

ï Paris Hilton, in a bikini, hits the beach with her new beau, wearing Jamz. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Jenny McCarthy and Botox, sitting in a tree. (IMDb)

ï On again/off again couple Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are off again. Until the engagement rumors start, oh, in 5 hours or so. (The Blemish)

ï Katy Perry sexy in Esquire magazine. She's got big chugs and we like it. (Yeeeah!)

ï Chris Brown will not be receiving a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award, despite him being a terrific role model for children, what with the girlfriend beating and all. (Anything Hollywood)

ï It's rumored that 3 of the Kardashian sisters will get nude in Playboy. Best have a tri-fold cover to house all dat azz. (Faded Youth)

ï Anne Heche gave birth to her second son yesterday. His name is Atlas. Who gave Celestia a copy of 1001 Names for Your Newborn? (Celebitchy)

ï According to the folks at Dancing with the Stars, Denise Richards is a harridan on par with Faye Dunaway mixed with Joan Crawford mixed with Helen Lawson. (Pop on the Pop)

ï Aw. Poor James Franco. Little guy's all tuckered out. Shhh. (CelebWarship)