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Goopy Gets Poopy

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 17:45:51 +0000

Stars will go through a lot to maintain their technically hot physiques. Rigorous workouts with trainers, restrictive diets, and surgery. And, if you're Gwyneth Paltrow, a "cleanse" because apparently "toxins" build up in your "system" and you have to let your digestive system "rest" because, like, your digestive system wasn't built to digest things and needs a "break". Quotation mark overload. Gwyn writes in her GOOP newsletter:

As I write this, I am finishing the amazing three-week-long ìCleanî detox program detailed below. Designed by New York cardiologist and detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger, this program allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox. I followed it to the letter and I can report that it worked wonders. I feel pure and happy and much lighter (I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious ìrelax and enjoy life phaseî about a month ago). I also really enjoyed learning about the incredible health benefits of resting your digestive system, etc.

Well, thank god she got that pesky "relax and enjoy life" phase out of her system. Literally.

Will.i.am gives Perez Some Lumps, Some Lumps Some Lumps Some Lumps

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 16:45:15 +0000

When you see the headline "Blogger Attacked By Member of Black Eyed Peas", you may assume that your good pals at CNW got pissed upon by Fergie. Good guess, but wrong. As much as it pains us to write a story about fame-ravenous bloat-bag Perez Hilton, this is too goofy to ignore. Dude claims that last night, will.i.am beat the tar out of him after the Much Music Awards in Canada. TMZ says:

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton is accusing Black Eyed Peas frontman Will.I.Am of assault — but we've learned cops have targeted someone else.

But cops in Toronto tell us it was the general manager of the Black Eyed Peas — Polo Molina — who is under investigation and he turned himself in to police early this morning.

It is worth noting that after this alleged brutal assault rendering Hilton bloody and injured, he called 911 immediately. Haha, just joshing you. He Twittered it.

– I'm in shock. I need the police ASAP. Please come to the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel now. Please.about 5 hours ago from Sidekick

– I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke. — about 5 hours ago from Sidekick

– Still waiting for the police. The bleeding has stopped. I need to document this. Please, can the police come to the SoHo Met Hotel. — about 5 hours ago from Sidekick

– I spoke to my lawyer. I really need to talk to the authorities. Please come to the SoHo Met Hotel. Have called the police. Need them here. — about 5 hours ago from Sidekick

– The Toronto police are here now. Thank you. Please stop calling them. — about 5 hours ago from Sidekick

– Thank u all from the bottom of my heart for ur concern. The police are investigating the assault now. I did the right thing by reporting it. — about 3 hours ago from web

It's awesome that technology has advanced so much that the youth of America now has no idea how to pick up a phone and call the police or an ambulance. Go steal a 20-year-old's wallet and he'll frantically Tweet it, write on Tumblr about it, make a Facebook quiz about it, and then get pissed off that the cops didn't file a report because they don't subscribe to his RSS feed.

"Ick, dirty sheets, ick no toothbrush, smelly ass"

Agent E. — Wed, 06 May 2009 17:02:57 +0000

First off, we'd like to thank celebrities. It's been a little dry around here lately; we've had to stretch our gossip muscles and write about people like Courteney Cox and Sarah Jessica Parker. Boring. But finally celebs said, we've had enough of this, let's go do some crazy shit. And the kookiest crazybird in crazytown strapped on her crazyhat, picked up her peacock-feather quill, and wrote, "Garbblon narbblon quack quack squee," which in Courtney Love crazytalk means, "Ryan Adams is a stinky dickhole." Says our Jungian analyst, FemaleFirst:

Courtney Love wants to punch Ryan Adams.

The former Hole singer would not hesitate to attack the 'New York, New York' singer if she ever met him in the street.

Courtney wrote on her MySpace blog: "People i would hit if i saw them: Ryan Adams (sic)."

The 44-year-old singer also lashes out at Ryan' new wife Mandy Moore – who married the alternative musician in March – in the confusing rant, saying she does not understand how Mandy can bear to be intimate with him.

She wrote: "Christ ugh igh ugh Mandy Moore ick the thoufghg of her sticking her toungue downthat filthy hatch…i might as well go watch 'Hostelle' ill feel better), ick, dirty sheets, ick no toothbrush, smelly ass, ick i LOATHE that guy (sic)."

This is not the first time Courtney has made disparaging remarks about Ryan on her blog.

Last year, she accused him of stealing $858,000 from her daughter Frances Bean – who was left the money when her father, Courtney's husband Nirvana star Kurt Cobain, committed suicide in 1994 – to make his 2003 album 'Rock n Roll'.

She wrote at the time: "does that makje youf eel like a big man ? stealing from a suicide? A MARTYRED HERO? … as God Is My Witness Ryan you will pay back every f***ing penny of this. 858,000 dollars for Rock n Roll ? wow you were living large- most people reading this dont even know what record or even artist im referring to , as your just this cult americana wanna be dylan thing.

"your ENTIRE album and meals and drugs and Hotels and outboard gear and wasted fabullous guitars STRAIGHT OUT OF FRANCES"S TRUST FUND (sic)."

This is a nice study in descent into madness. In Court's earlier missive, only one sic was necessary. But the more recent rant was pretty much one big, huge sic, especially the "word" thoufghg. It's kind of like watching Drew Barrymore's Little Edie go from free-spirited Baldwin humper to sleeping on a pile of dead cats and raccoons.

Oh, and Courtney found time recently to buy a new face! We guess all those people she's accused of raiding her coffers left a little something in the pile marked "ill-advised facial mutilations." (More pics of Courtney's new face available at Faded Youth.)

Kim Kardashian Happy To Be Considered a Shitty Actress

Agent E. — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 18:08:42 +0000

The Oscars may corner the market on things like glitz, glamor, fancy expensive dresses, big stars, and talent, but they're not the only awards show in town. No sir. Don't let us forget about the only awards that honor the year's worst films, the Razzies. Only there can Eddie Murphy's giant head, Pierce Brosnan's dinner-theater-quality singing, and the entire cast of The Women hope to take home a trophy. And while some actors would be offended at this so-called honor, Kim Kardashian just loves being nominated, despite the implication that even when sexy wrestling with Carmen Electra her acting abilities fall somewhere between a sawdust-covered pile of vomit and Keanu Reeves. Kim says on her personal webiste:

I'm having a really good laugh over the fact that I've been nominated for a Razzie this year.

I had so much fun filming Disaster Movie and giggled the entire time during the shoot.

There is steep competition in my ìworst supporting actressî category, I have to admit… including my fantastic costar Carmen Electra (you go girl!), Leelee Sobieski (what a surprise!), Jenny McCarthy
(really?) and Paris Hilton (who could technically sweep this year's awards with a whopping three nominations!).

It's an honor just being nominated! LOL!

Enh, this doesn't really surprise us. After all, we have heard that the girl likes to get pissed on. This is sort of the same thing, no?

Britney Spears Seeking Harvard Grad Proficient in Conjugation of Y'all

Agent E. — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 17:05:22 +0000

We thought that all this time we were just exceptionally stupid. We tried and tried, but we just couldn't figure out Facebook. People sending us Robert Pattinson flair? Huh? And now we're supposed to throw a snowball at somebody? We just don't get it. But it turns out there's a very good reason why we can't master the art of social networking: that shit's so complicated, it requires a degree from Harvard. Or at least so says Britney Spears. MSNBC reports:

Spoiler alert: If you check in on Britney Spearsí Twitter feed, Facebook, MySpace page, and other electronic iterations, you might not really be communicating with Britney Spears. You might, however, be communicating with someone who is at the very least, very adept with a standardized test and number-two pencil.

Spearsí online manager posted a job listing for ìBritney Spears 2.0 Media Managerî on a Harvard-only private job board, reports techcrunch.

Among the job requirements: ìyou are addicted to social networks such as MySpace and Facebook. Ö You are a popular culture addict and passionate about the intersection of Silicon Valley and Hollywood.î

Sounds to us like Britney's people want a Harvard type to manage and monitor her social-media presence. Takes that high-priced degree to update one's Facebook status.

You've got the wrong idea, Brit. If you really want to conquer technology, just hire a 12-year-old. You'll save a ton of money.

Mischa Barton Suffers from Low Self Esteem, Places Self in League with Hills Hos

Agent E. — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 17:39:39 +0000

Our horndog compatriot Mr. Skin alerted us to the existence of Mischa Barton's official personal website when it launched last month. And Mischa has helpfully provided us with long, fulfilling seconds of entertainment since then. Hey, there's a blurry pic of Misch with MK Olsen! There's Misch in a wet suit! And would you believe that The Traveling Wilburys make the list of Mischa's all-time top 10 favorite bands? Hey, girl dated Brandon Davis and Cisco Adler; she obviously likes 'em ugly. But we just discovered a new feature of Mischa's website: Celeb Direct. It's where Mischa keeps us up to date on what's going on with other ~~important celebrities~~ people you might have seen on television that one day you were sick and were too lazy to get up and find the remote to switch the channel to 17 Kids and Counting or something. These people are Kardashians (both Kim and Chyna impersonator Khloe), Audrina Patridge, Whitney Port, and Brody Jenner. And, boy oh boy, does Mischa let us in on the hot details of their ~~fascinating~~ lives. Such as: "Khloe's 'Do Review: Khloe Kardashian asks for your opinion on her various hair colors!" Wow! The excitement! Thanks, Mischa! (Seriously, girl, you're better than this. You have very pretty hair. You have never sunk to reality-TV lows. You no longer have to feel the slap of the world's longest nutsack. You did a better job of showing off your boobies than any other celebrity in all of 2008! Take some pride in your accomplishments, lady.)

You can totally see Mischa Barton nude at MrSkin.com. It's not just good; it's award winning.

Sienna Miller's Webmaster Isn't Mad; She's Just Disappointed

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 17:12:37 +0000

We dunno, ever since Sienna Miller took up with married father/oil heir/Lord of the Fly Balthazar Getty, we've kind of liked her a little more. We're not really ones to complain about a lady parading her naked bajoingles on the beach in front of two dozen photographers; that would be silly. But not everyone shares our Sienna sentiments (Siennaments?). Including Sienna's number one fan and webmaster of her fan site, Sienna Miller Online. Or should we say FORMER webmaster? Dun-dun-DUN! She writes:

It must be obvious that my heart has not been in this site for the past couple of years. This is due to several reasons, the main ones being the loss of Katy and Maddie from the site staff, a lack of time, and how Sienna has changed. I cannot get past the fact that to me she has completely changed from the Sienna I became a fan of back in 2004. I don't say that lightly because (believe it or not) I do still have a lot of respect for Sienna and still consider myself a supportive fan.

I've tried to forget about that and update whenever I can (although yes, that has not been much!) … however, recent events – that of Sienna's affair with a married father of 4 and extremely public PDA's – have heightened my lack of interest in the site and Sienna. We do not know the whole story behind this affair, and some may argue it is not our place to judge BUT when Sienna can cavort so publicly and so shamelessly with this man who IS married and does have 4 children (including a baby only a few months old) with his wife, my respect for her goes out of the window. One minute she says she wants to be taken seriously as an actress and she's sick of all the false stories about her in the press … and the next she's topless on a beach with a married man's hands all over her – come on Sienna, you know the paparazzi are going to be around. If she was serious about being taken seriously she would, well, not display herself so publicly like this.

She goes on to say that she's searching for a replacement webmaster or -mistress, and that any qualified applicants "must be able to keep up with everything in Sienna-world," underlining that sentence as if underscoring the importance of the weighty task at hand, which surely involves staying up all hours of the night, tracking Sienna from married man to married man in a desperate bid to keep tabs on her topless trysts and feats of vaginal derring-do. Sienna Miller Online Webmaster is not a job for the faint of heart or weak of constitution, friends. And now we can't help wondering what the gal vacating this position was doing a month ago and if she happened to be near a can of black spray paint at the time.

Talking About Your Cellulite: Hollywood's Newest Trend!

Agent E. — Thu, 08 May 2008 17:55:55 +0000

Remember how Paris Hilton called Kim Kardashian's ass "cottage cheese inside a big trash bag" and then was all like, "Haha, that was so totally a joke. I love Kim. She's hot. I'd love to bury my face in that cheese and slurp it up" or something to that effect? And then Kim was like, "We're cool. I'm not mad. LYLAS, BFF 4-EVA." What she was really thinking was, "I hope a rat crawls into your vagina and eats you from the inside, you fake whore," though she tries to keep up the pro-Paris sham by writing about her cellulite removal on her official website:

With all of this cellulite talk you guys must think I've got it bad! For the record, it's really not that bad at all! Just a little junk in the trunk! Here is how it all got started…

This Sunday of Keeping Up With The Kardashians you will get to see my super cute idea for my one year anniversary gift for Reggie. I wanted to think of something unique and special, not something anyone could just go out and buy! I came up with the idea to make him a calendar! (You can see pictures from the shoot on this post!)

I only had a few weeks of preparation so I had to think fast! I asked my dear friend Troy Jensen, who is a make up artist, hair stylist and photographer if he could help me out! It was fierce!!! We had the best shoot ever! It was so different from anything I have ever done!

In order to make this the hottest shoot ever, I had to get in shape! I worked out like crazy. It felt good… but then, my sisters and I went to the American Laser Center for our usual laser hair removal (I recommend this to everyone as well!) and the nurse informed us of a cellulite treatment called VelaShape.

You have got to read about it! It is basically a non-surgical device that massages the needed area and stimulates the blood circulation so that it minimizes cellulite. I only had time for one treatment, but I am definitely planning to go back for more!

Three months ago my sisters and I visited the American Laser Center and did a VelaShape treatment, and we filmed the entire process!

Of course, now that the episode is about to air, the American Laser Center released a press statement saying we went there for the treatment, and now everyone is assuming I am secretly hurt by Paris' comments about me having cellulite and I am now rushing to try to do anything I can to get rid of it!

Well of course that is not the case! This treatment was done months before her joking around and I wouldn't have filmed the process if this was something I was insecure or embarrassed about!

I work out extremely hard and am happy with my shape… cellulite, not so much!

LOL… What girl doesn't have a little bit of cellulite. And who wants it, anyway!

Sure, Kim says that to the public to appear all nice and sweet, but we're sure that her weekend plans include picking up this issue of The National Enquirer:

and pasting Paris's face over all of the pictures.

More pics from Kim's super-special, oh-so-private anniversary gift can be found at her website.

Kim K. is queen of the sexy photo shoot at MrSkin.com. This time with nudity!

CNW Junk Drawer: Pamela and Camela (Toe)

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 17:12:53 +0000

ï Pam Anderson's marriage to Rick Salomon has been annulled. In the eyes of the law, that means it never happened. Let us never speak of this again. (Hollywire)

ï MrSkin.com scores the first ever interview with Christian Landers, the dude behind the high-larious StuffWhitePeopleLike.com! (Mr. Skin)

ï Madonna claims that her marriage is ripe with "erotica". Excellent way to work your song title in there, Madge. Was your wedding La Isla Bonita? (Female Foist)

ï Kate Moss sans the clammy, crackulous influence of Pete Doherty = foxy. (Cityrag)

ï Awwww. Carmen Electra has found herself another funny little eyeliner-wearing alternarocker to love. (Daily Stab)

ï Sophie Monk's religious last name belies the deep cleave of her camel toe. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Renee Zellweger attended a screening of Leatherheads donning a leathered face. Sorry, Renee. You seem like a nice lady, you just make it so easy. (Allie Is Wired)

ï Sorry, boys! Looks like that hot slice of preggo jailbait Jamie Lynn Spears is off the market! (The Blemish)

ï I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, he's a Pepper, Axl Rose is a Pepper. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

Jessica Alba Sez: "More Ham and Cheese, Please!"

Agent E. — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 17:55:42 +0000

You what we love? (well, besides masturbating to Judy Nails, of course.) When skinny famous ladies fall pregnant and finally allow themselves to stuff any old thing into their cake holes. The thought of preggo Milla Jovovich grabbing a cow bone and sucking out the marrow was to us what schoolgirl porn is to Charlie Sheen. Now PageSix.com reveals that Jessica Alba loves nothing more than a ham and cheese sandwich.

Attention, celeb pals of Jessica Alba, PageSix.com has a heads-up on baby gifts for the actress's much-anticipated little one: ham and cheese.

Cash Warren's fiancÈe was feeling bloggyin France today, on the last stop of promoting her thriller The Eye. The bumped beauty mused on Paris fashion, Amy Winehouse and deli sandwiches while getting makeup done for her flick's French premiere (above).

Every day I have eaten ham and cheese sandwiches, I can't get enough of them. Wish they had these back in the States, the bread is amazing. My tummy is getting bigger by the second and the little one must like the food too because it is moving and kicking like crazy. IT'S THE BEST.

It's almost as if harboring a fetus in one's uterus makes a an untouchable example of Hollywood perfection HUMAN. Does this mean that about once a day Jessica Alba also places her posterior upon a ring of porcelain and excretes feces? Is it possible that she is one of us?