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Now With Extra Poppability

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 15:41:13 +0000

We understand that it’s often hard to get children to eat healthy foods, and companies and parents often go to extremes to get them to do so. Like the purple ketchup craze of 2002. But perhaps Disney Garden should have run the idea of Hannah Montana Cherries past a few more people, including maybe Miley Cyrus herself, before going ahead with it. Then again, stranger products have succeeded. Like Dakota Fanning Hymen Busters Gum.

They Should Have Called It "Wonk: A Nasal Experience"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 17:43:59 +0000

A perfume called "Fairy Dust" sounds like something Kate Moss would launch. But actually, it's the new stink from Paris Hilton. It smells softly of Madden musk and Fraggle weave and apparently, Paris worked really, really, really hard on it. "It" meaning her body, not the perfume. Our gossip perfumier, Female First, reports:

A source close to Paris told Fox News: "Paris didn't want to be airbrushed [in the Fairy Dust ads] so as soon as she found out what she had to wear she went overboard with Pilates classes and exercise – she went totally crazy toning up."

The 27-year-old beauty also came up with the idea for the shoot – which shows her waving a magic wand and wearing fairy wings complete with the tagline, 'Do you believe in fairy tales?' – because she wanted to "bring some fantasy to her fans during these tough economic times".

A shoot insider said: "Paris wanted to look ethereal, but also wanted her perfume to inspire people. She hopes she has done that with the new campaign."

Well, mission accomplished, sister. My 401K's circling the drain and my house was foreclosed, but one look at the bewinged, wonktabulous, loinclothed vision of Paris against a sparkling Disney background and all my woes disappeared like dust in the wind. Dust that smells like this guy.

Paris shows it off, naked-style, at MrSkin.com.

Lindsay, Lesbians, and Leggings

Agent E. — Mon, 12 May 2008 17:45:06 +0000

Lindsay Lohan is not having a good week, despite launching her range, as the Brits say, of totally awesome, hot, sexy, fashionable leggings. First off, she's fighting with her clam slammer, reports Page Six:

YOU'D think Lindsay Lohan would be used to all the drama by now. But she was crying her eyes out the other night at the Crown Bar in West Hollywood, upset over a fight she had with her girlfriend Sam Ronson, who was deejaying. "They had a full-blown fight," said our spy. "Evan Ross, Diana's son, and Lauren Conrad comforted her while Lindsay kept wiping her tears."

We think we're beginning to admire Sam Ronson. She seems like she doesn't take any shit from anyone, she always has a really sour look on her face, and we're guessing that when Lindsay is at her most annoyingly self-indulgent Sam barks, "Bitch, STFU or I won't lick your pussy tonight." And we're also guessing that's the only thing that could ever make Lindsay shape up. Maybe Linds should employ Sam as her manager instead of Dina. We bet nobody would dare fire Lindsay if Sam were in charge, but when Mommy's pulling the strings, this happens (via Yeeeah!):

Patriot Pictures tells E! News that Lohan is no longer a part of ìYe Olde Times,î a rom-com in the world of Renaissance Faire. ìWe have just decided to go our separate ways. We currently have an offer out to another actor.î [Patriot Pictures] would not say whether Lohan was being replaced for insurance, scheduling reasons or for her reputation for being difficult on set.

Was Lindsay insisting on making the costumes too? "People at Ren Faires wear leggings; I make leggings. It'll be genius." Because those things Lindsay is substituting for pants are definitely grounds for dismissal.

Get a looky at Lindsay at MrSkin.com.

Lindsay Lohan Still Poor, Jobless

Agent E. — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 17:50:01 +0000

Lindsay Lohan is so poor (How poor is she?), she's so poor we hear she's considering movie roles that Tara Reid turned down. (The preceding joke was a tribute to the return of late-night TV in the midst of the writer's strike. Thank you, Jay Leno, for leaving the real comedy to people who earn about as much as a Burger King night manager.) No, seriously, she's so poor she's begging her friends for money. The New York Daily News reports:

Lindsay Lohan's rocky rehab continues to hurt her bottom line.

A pal of the cash-strapped actress tells us she has been openly asking friends for spending money.

A separate source tell us Ariva – the quit-smoking tobacco lozenge she has been unofficially promoting – paid her a sum in the mid-five figures this week.

Officially, Ariva reps have denied it is paying Lohan – possibly because of all the recent paparazzi pics of her smoking.

Lohan has been back in the headlines for her antics on the Italian island of Capri, where she was honored during the new year holiday at the annual film festival. One Italian journalist told the photo agency X17 that the supposedly sober starlet ran up a 500-euro ($736) bar tab in one evening.

Wow. That's a lot of Shirley Temples. That's, what, about $54 for every maraschino cherry? Imagine how much actual vodka would cost.

Hey, Y'all, It's J.J.!

Agent E. — Fri, 16 Feb 2007 17:55:18 +0000

That thing you're looking at to the left of these here words? That's the first picture of Jayden James Spears Federline. Or at least the first one that could be distinguished from a snap of a butternut squash wrapped in Huggies. And now that we've been formally introduced via OK! magazine (and BreatheHeavy.com), we have a few words of advice for the little tyke. First of all, pay attention to your older brother. He's learned some street smarts from being repeatedly dropped and left at home with the canine babysitter. Also, when Mommy tries to send you to your first day of school wearing a mini mesh-back that says "Mommy's L'il Pimp" and little Osh Kosh jeans cinched around your lower thigh with a shoestring, don't do it. Wear anything else, even your pajamas if you have to. Oh, and get used to the sight of the vagina from whence you came. You're gonna be seeing a lot of it.

Britney's trying to be a good mom, but she's just not very good at it. She's way better at doing tequila shots and dancing in her bikini, and her minders always told her to play to her strengths.

Usmagazine.com has learned that Spears, 25, checked into the Four Seasons Hotel in Miami around midnight on Monday with her boys, 17-month-old Sean Preston and 5-month-old Jayden James.

ìThe hotel was full so we put Britney and the children in a two bedroom condo hotel room, which is very residential and like a big city apartment,î a hotel source tells Us.

According to the source, Britney and her boys made the trip solo – minus even a nanny. ìBritney called the concierge desk, saying she was not able to shop herself because she had no one to watch the kids, so would a female please go out and buy her a bright-colored bikini,î says the source. ìBritney was totally wishing she had help to take care of those kids.î

By Wednesday night, the source says, Spears was feeling so overwhelmed by the kids that even though she had planned originally to stay a week she decided to fly back to Los Angeles on Valentineís night. ìSomething happened,î explains the source.

What most likely happened was Britney discovered that a steady diet of Mountain Dew and Taco Bell chalupas makes a baby's shit smell really, really nasty and she learned that no matter how many times she yelled "Poo poo in the terlet, Sean P!" he was just going to squat in the corner behind the flat screen.

Not enough Britney for you? Then go to MidnightFantasyBritneySpears.com and complete your own fantasy for your sweetheart! You can send the Wordsworthian love story to your homegirl, friend with benefits, or even your dog! And Britney thought of very hip and of-the-moment ways to describe your special someone. Do they like texting, hooking up with playas, flexing in the mirror, or gossiping about losers? Brit's got it covered. Oh, and does anyone else notice the resemblance between perfume-shilling Britney and post-nose-job Courtney Love?

Britney is your fantasy at MrSkin.com.

Wrap Your Dick in Fiddy

Agent E. — Thu, 11 Jan 2007 17:35:07 +0000

Not content with becoming the rap world's V.C. Andrews, 50 Cent is producing his own line of condoms. He said:

ìThe kids become immune when you constantly beat them over the head. We have to be a little more creative about it. Itís the same with safe sex. As opposed to being part of a safe-sex campaign, Iím going to make condoms and donate a part of the proceeds to HIV awareness.î

We're guessing they'll be well stocked at corner bodegas, where the following exchange will probably be heard every day: "50 cent for a damn condom? Aw, hell naw. Saran Wrap's cheaper than that shit, dawg."