His letter, published in the new issue of In Touch, begins with an apology for “the pain and inner turmoil that I am responsible for, for being away in prison or getting divorced from Mom.”

Calling Lindsay “my blessed daughter,” the born-again Christian adds, “I have held your vacant body in my arms, felt the tears fall down your face, and I tried every way to make you see what is happening to you.

“I have helped so many others ’successfully,’ Linds, please, Honey, let me help you. Let me help you get your life back so that you can build it to where you once were.”

He concludes by writing, “God bless us all in this time of need. I hope and pray to hold ‘my Lindsay’ in my arms once again. Soon. Love Dad.”

So what’s Michael Lohan’s next step? Obviously he’s going to start a talk show with a cardboard cutout of Lindsay as his guest host. And every time he asks her a question and is met with a blank, papery stare instead of the Kelly Ripa-like exuberance that he’s hoping for, he’ll say, “See! See what that evil witch Dina has done to my daughter? She’s so drugged out she can’t even respond to her daddy’s questions.” And then he’ll throw his arms around her, crushing her fake frame into jagged folds and sob, “Why, Lindsay? Why won’t you let me help you? We can film your whole recovery and make millions! I mean, we can help millions of people. Don’t you want to help people?”

You like that Lindsay pic up there? Did you know you can see more just like it in an installation piece we like to call “Lindsay Lohan: Bitey!” on Facebook? Did you know that you can also become our fan and see lots of pretty pictures there? Well, now you do.

In an interview with X17online.com, Michael said, “If I can’t get a conservatorship, then I’m going to take her to an undisclosed location and get her straight. But I know I’m going to get charged with kidnapping.”

On Monday, People.com reported Lindsay was seeking a restraining order against her dad, with a source claiming she was “scared” and had instructed her lawyer Shawn Holley Chapman to prepare the legal papers.

But Michael insists his comments were “twisted” to mean something more sinister and is adamant he would never force Lindsay to do something against her will.

He tells Newsday, “I just meant I’d like to detox her myself … but of course I’d get arrested.

“People will twist my words to mean what they want. The bottom line is, Lindsay needs help, and no one wants to do anything.”

“I didn’t mean I’d kidnap her, really. I was just going to sneak up behind her when no one was looking, throw a burlap sack over her head, force her into my Camero, and haul her off to a secret location way out in the desert. You know, normal father-daughter stuff.”

RSS doesn’t stand for Really Sexy Sluts, but sign up for ours anyway.

Dina said, “The critics can say whatever they want, but Lindsay is a genius.”

She said that, despite her deal with the French fashion house, Lindsay would also be creatively involved in Dina’s shoe line, to debut in May. But the name won’t be “Shoe-Han.” Dina explained, “We are not going to announce the name so every Google and MySpace buys the domain name. Lindsay is signed to Ungaro, but she will definitely have input because she is so talented.”

First of all, “Shoe-Han” may be the worst name we’ve ever heard. We think that even “Dog Vomit, a shoe line by Dina Lohan” is more appealing. And second of all, we don’t really trust Dina’s definition of “genius” if this is what she thinks makes a totally awesome shoe. Yes, that is an open toe.

I’m going to get her off the prescription drugs that she’s on. I hate it when people talk about illegal drug abuse because it’s not just drinking and illegal drugs that kill you.

Prescription drugs can destroy and kill a person and are sometimes harder to stop. Look at Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson.

You know why Lindsay’s not acting in feature films right now? Because she can’t. Because the girl with all the talent is hidden and buried deep inside this fungus that’s grown because of the prescription drugs. She can’t be herself.

When you hug her she’s vacant inside. When she kisses or holds me I get chills, and not in a good way – in a bad way.

She’s a different person. I was out there for a week when she was living at the Sunset Marquis Hotel and I would sit there and cry. It was horrible. This was not the kid I raised.

We don’t doubt that Lindsay carries around the contents of a Walgreens in her oversized hobo, but that’s about all that seems feasible in Michael’s story. The way he makes it out, he’s a master at dodging the paparazzi, never even letting a finger make it into frame when Lindsay’s being photographed. But really, we’re guessing that his version of spending a week with his daughter is hanging out in the lobby of her hotel (he stays at the Comfort Inn by the airport) and waiting for her to emerge from her room. “Lindsay, Lindsay, I’ve been trying to call you. I have this new show I’m working on that I think you’d be great for. No one’s bought it yet, but I’m so close to a deal. It’s going to be HUGE. You’ll be a star again. Call me.” And Lindsay flicks her weave over her shoulder and keeps on walking toward the spray tan salon.

Michael Lohan is a twit, but CelebNewsWire tweets. Follow us on Twitter.

I remember being 7 and asking my mom if I was as pretty as [my best friend] Monique. And with all the love in the world, my mom looked at me and said, ‘Oh, honey, you’re so funny.’ So, she doesn’t lie to me . . . She answers the question by not answering and instead tells me what she thinks is my greatest strength.

No no no, Jen, she wasn’t pointing out one of your strengths in lieu of telling you that you’re ugly. Nope, she was saying, “You’re so funny. You could never be as pretty as Monique. Well, unless you got a nose job, maybe a chin reduction, dyed and straightened your hair, and pretty much changed everything about yourself. Really, honey, you’re hilarious.” Actually, that’s pretty much the same thing Momma Aniston says when Jen asks if she’s as beautiful as Angie Jo too.

It was Motherís Day coming up and I donít have any problems appearing crazy to make my mother smile, but she is the most beautiful woman on this planet and I love her. Sheís fly as hell. I stand by that. My momís awesomeÖ.I think the sickness is also on the other end to be able to twist the words and make it as ridiculous as that. Clearly, Iím not having sex with my mother. Itís ridiculous.

Well, clearly. We knew that Michael Bay was pissed about Paramount's failure to promote Transformers: Revenge of the Whatever (Is that a low-budget indie movie? We've never heard of it), and having Megan Fox blab and blab about about wanting to bone Angelina Jolie is an interesting approach to movie marketing, but this is the oddest angle ever. Bay must have really been thinking ahead, telling the Beef, "Say something really perverse that will disgust the public. Like something about learning about female anatomy from studying naked pictures of your mom or something, then right before the movie comes out, you can say it was taken out of context and tell every9one they're sick and twisted for thinking such things about your mom. That's sure to sell tickets to a robot fight flick."

Angelina Jolie is a jealous, cunning liar who schemed to lure Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston, cheated on him with a woman rock star, ó and even slept with her own mother's boyfriend! These are just some of the explosive revelations that could be served up about Hollywood's most famous mom in two shocking new tell-all books.

In the May 18 issue of Star ó on sale today ó we have the inside stories about the books about Brad's baby mama ó one to be written by renowned investigative reporter Andrew Morton, the other by Angie's former bodyguard Mickey Brett ó and the revelations they could include paint an unflattering picture of the wild child-turned humanitarian.

One of the shocking claims ó detailed in our cover story ó that could find its way into one of the books is that a teenage Angelina hooked up with her mother Marcheline's boyfriend.

"March and her guy had a huge fight, and Angie saw her chance to seduce him," an insider tells Star. "Angie cried and begged March to forgive her. Of course, March did."

Morton and his team of researchers are now in LA starting work on his blockbuster. And if he misses any juicy scandals, the ex-bodyguard has his own stories, including her hush-hush liaison with one of the biggest names in rock.

"Mickey the bodyguard knew all about this relationship," an insider tells Star. "And the details are pretty hot!"

Female rock star? We could throw out obvious guesses like Madonna and Gwen Stefani, but that's too easy. We're going to take a broader view of the term "rock star" and say Carol Channing. That dame could put Angie in her place. That, or Hannah Montana. Because even fictional characters want to bonk Angelina Jolie.

Shia LaBeouf’s childhood deserves an NC-17 rating.

In a candid new interview, the star of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen ó who severely injured his hand last summer in an early morning car crash ó talks about his, um, revealing upbringing, including how his hippie mother would often walk around their home naked ó even when he had friends over to play.

“The nudity was weird, especially when her friends came over,” he tells Playboy in their June issue ó on sale May 15. “All of them would just be naked around the house. That was strange for me, and it was really bizarre when my friends were there. You’ve got your little buds over, and Mom’s, like, playing naked connect the dots or whatever. She’s in the middle of goddess-group time, where it’s literally a bunch of naked women tracing auras around one another’s bodies with incense and then sitting together and humming for prolonged periods of time.”

“Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother,” he says. “She’s an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren’t my mother, as sick as that sounds.”

Obviously, with a couple of blockbusters under his belt, it’s time for The Beef to branch out and show us he can act, man, by starring in a weirdo indie movie. Time for a Spanking the Monkey remake! We just hope Mommy The Beef can handle the shower scene.

When her daddyís away, Britney Spears plays … and how.

The pop star found an on-tour playmate in a hunky 21-year-old backup dancer while father Jamie was tending to business in L.A. late this month. According to a well-placed tour source, Britneyís relationship with the hoofer was not that innocent.

ìBritney was a bad girl,î says our insider. ìLiterally as soon as her dad left, she started getting cozy with a dancer named Gio. It wasnít serious. They had a few romantic interludes, and she bought him a few things ó a pair of shoes and some clothes ó even though sheís on an allowance.î

But now that Jamieís back with the ìCircusî tour and casting a watchful eye over his daughter again, Britís romance has cooled. ìBritney was definitely getting jiggy there for a hot minute, but theyíve slowed down since Jamie got back in the picture,î says the insider. ìItís basically over now.î

"Britney was definitely getting jiggy there for a hot minute"? Ah, we get it. The NYDN just got confused. This story is actually about a tour Britney did in 1999. How else to explain such woefully out-of-date slang? Unless the source is actually our mom, which is pretty unlikely, as we think we would have heard if she was touring with Britney Spears.

Britney Spears has been ordered to read the Bible for an hour a day.

The 'Womanizer' singer's father Jamie – who as co-conservator of her estate has full control of Britney's affairs – has issued the star with a string of rules to ensure she doesn't go off the rails on her 'The Circus Starring Britney Spears' tour.

A source said: "Jamie is determined nothing can go wrong with Britney's comeback. He's making sure she reads the Bible for at least an hour during her quiet time before she goes on stage and has banned her from using the internet. He is even monitoring what she eats by insisting on none of her beloved junk food on the rider.

"He's stopping her from leaving her hotel unless accompanied by a security guard and even though she gets on much better with her ex-husband, Kevin Federline, she isn't allowed to speak to him without Jamie or her manager there."

Those are all pretty good, responsible rules, Jamie, but didn't you forget one? Like, Britney may not leave the house unless her pussy is properly covered? Don't you think that might be an important one, considering our subject here? After the cut, see Britney Spears's pussy hanging out. Again.