A German model was charged Thursday with trying to squeeze $100,000 out of Cindy Crawford and her husband Rande Gerber over a photo of their then-7-year-old daughter bound to a chair and gagged.

The photo was reportedly taken by the couples nanny during a game of “cops and robbers,” according to an affidavit obtained by the AP. The unnamed nanny has not been charged. According to affidavit, Kayalar stole the photo from nanny somehow and repeatedly tried to get money from Crawford and Gerber starting this July.

You’ve got a German model, a nanny, S&M, and Cindy Crawford. This is the sexiest thing we’ve written about in months. Aside from the whole pesky “7-year-old” part.

Bondage-loving first graders prefer CNW’s RSS feed.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ they believe Randy and Evi Quaid have a pattern of staying in pricey hotels and stiffing the joints when they leave .. and that’s why authorities are trying to nail the Quaids for burglary . . .

There’s an arrest warrant out for the Quaids for allegedly stiffing the San Ysidro Ranch near Santa Barbara out of thousands of bucks. Our sources say the reason there’s a burglary warrant out for them is because cops believe when they rented the hotel room they had the intention of staying without paying — and that fits the definition of burglary. In addition to burglary, the arrest warrant also lists the felony of defrauding an innkeeper . . .

Law enforcement sources tell us they were picked up by Presidio County Sheriff’s deputies. We’re told there was a struggle and deputies had to wrestle Evi to the ground as she screamed loudly.

After the Quaids posted their $20,000 bail, they hand-wrote a letter to TMZ explaining their innocence, even including a copy of the cashier’s check.

But the most curious part is the “defrauding an innkeeper” charge. What, did neglect to specify that they needed king sized bed and a manger? Did they not tip the bellboy when he brought up the swaddling clothes and myrrh they ordered?

Unknown Vampire Diaries Chick #2: “Maybe if we could convince Robert Pattinson to do an episode . . .”

Chick #1: “Nah. That will never work. He’ll just think we’re stalking him. What if we get naked? Seems to work for True Blood.”

Chick #2: “But we’re on The CW, not HBO. They’ll never let us do nudity.”

Chick #1: “Hmmm. You’re right. Maybe people would pay attention if we got naked during a photo shoot, like out in public.”

Chick #2: “That’s a great idea! Let’s do it!”

To recap the event, we’ll turn to The New York Post:

The undead stars of the new CW show “The Vampire Diaries” don’t just suck blood and turn into bats — they also flash people from overpasses.

Four actresses from the show were busted during a photo shoot on a bridge in a small Georgia town, after their antics shocked passing motorists during the incident last month.

“They were out just doing some stunt pictures, but because of the way they were acting and carrying on on the bridge, we had quite a few 911 calls,” a spokeswoman for the Monroe County, Ga., Sheriff’s Office told The Post yesterday.

The cops arrested the photographer, along with actresses Nina Dobrev, 20, Sara Canning, 22, Kayla Ewell, 24, and Candice Accola, 22, for disorderly conduct. They were released after paying $4,000 in fines.

You know what works even better to get attention than public nudity? Sex tapes. Think about it. Paris Hilton built a whole career off of one little fuck flick. What’s to say one of you couldn’t do the same? It would probably be most effective if the tape included the four of you having sex with each other though. Think of the ratings, ladies!

San Diego Chargers star outside linebacker Shawne Merriman was arrested Sunday and accused of choking and restraining his girlfriend, reality TV star Tila Tequila, as she tried to leave his suburban home.

Sheriff’s deputies got the call at 3:45 a.m. on Sunday . . .“Nguyen told deputies she had been choked and physically restrained by Merriman when she attempted to leave his residence,” San Diego County Sheriff’s spokesperson Jan Caldwell said.

Merriman told authorities that he was simply restraining Tila so that she didn’t drive drunk. Tila fired back via that bastion of truth, Twitter:

I am allergic to alcohol. It has been publicly known for years. That is how I got the name Tila “Tequila” cuz the irony. I cant drink.

The funny thing is, the night of the incident, she Tweeted this:

Dman im drunk!!!!!!! Im headed to this Chargers VS 49ers game right now!!!!!!!! YAYYYYYYY!!!!!! @shawnemerriman u ready?? LETS GOOOOO! =)

You don’t have to be Hercule Poirot to know that something is fishy here. You don’t have to be, but it would help. Especially with dating. Women really love bow ties and turned-up mustaches.

We, too, are often drunk on Twitter, so follow us!

Be our Facebook buddy. All the cool kids do it.

. . . the victim then faced the defendant and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then continued driving. As he drove, he continued to punch the victim in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand.”

Rihanna told cops the “assault caused her mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter over her clothing and the inside of the car.”

Brown placed Rihanna in a headlock while he drove, then bit her on her left ear. The car eventually stopped and Rihanna took the keys out of the ignition, and Brown began to punch her again in the face and arms. He placed her in a headlock and started applying pressure to her carotid artery. She couldn’t breathe and began to lose consciousness. She tried freeing herself, and Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and then released her.

Think nobody could be a bigger bowel movement than Chris Brown? Dig, if you will, some of the refined comments from TMZ users:

if he never hit nobody before her then it’s her fault.

why don’t u guys tell about how she slapped him and beat on him in previous incidences. She is no innocent victim here, she started it, and then when she got her ass beat, she screams foul. Sick of her and she will do it again with the next guys, just wait and see.

wow, she sounds like a little Bit–, If your man enough to talk crap to a guy then you should be man enough to get your ass kicked. You dont want your ass kicked you say? then shut up and act like a lady and I’ll act like a gentleman!

Thank you for the thought-provoking commentary, America. A question: is it hard to type with the end of your ivory-tipped cane while peering through a monocle? Because that is some classy shit.

Law enforcement sources tell us DeWitt drove past a barricade Saturday afternoon — and when an officer approached her, she smelled like booze. She was given field sobriety tests and then arrested for suspicion of DUI. The 60-year-old actress, who played Janet Wood on the 80's sitcom, posted bail for $5,000.

The guy who played Carmine "The Big Ragoo" Ragusa on "Laverne and Shirley" was arrested last Friday in Las Vegas after he allegedly got into a drunken car crash.

Law enforcement sources tell us they received a call at around 12:30 PM about a collision with a "suspected drunk driver." When officers arrived, they found Eddie Mekka and administered field sobriety tests.

Janet and The Big Ragu in one week. Right after Farrah and Michael leave us. All our childhood icons are either croaking or drunk drivers! Next thing you know, Tootie Ramsay and Jo Polniaczek get busted for cashing bad checks on a meth binge and Slim Goodbody admits to steroid use. Just crap on my youth a little more, why don't you.

Chris Brown has copped a plea in his assault case. He won't do jail time, but he will spend 6 months doing things like road cleanup. He's also been ordered to stay 50 yards clear of Rihanna.

He'll spend 180 days doing community labor (8 hours a day — 1440 hours total) — which is, in effect, hard labor. He'll do his service in Virginia which is where Brown lives. A Virginia law enforcement officer told us Brown will be picking up trash, pulling weeds and washing fire trucks.

He gets 5 years probation for FELONY assault — he pled guilty. He'll get supervised probation. He'll have to come back to court every three months.

Stars doing dirty jobs is always awesome, so we have to admit, seeing the multi-millionaire singer of "Kissy Kissy" wearing orange and scraping opossums off the highway would be pretty funny. Like the time we saw Boy George mopping, only with more flies.

What better way to ease into the weekend than with the enlightened worldview of Matthew McConaughey, who graces the cover of Menís Journal?

In the accompanying interview, no topic is verboten, not even his awkward (and naked) arrest for possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia in October 1999. Austin, Texas, police responded to a noise disturbance call and found the actor dancing naked and playing bongo drums. He was arrested for possession of marijuana and resisting arrest, but the drug charges were later dropped.

McConaughey says the night of the arrest ìwas real enjoyable until I looked up and saw someone in the house who I knew I hadnít invited.î (That would be the police.)

ì(Things became) less enjoyable when he (the police officer) was tryiní to pin me to the ground and I was fightiní back,î the magazine recounts.

That did not spoil the evening however, as there were friends to be made ó in jail. ìIt sucked when I was goiní into the jail, and once I got in jail it became enjoyable again because there were some real fun cellmates. We were singiní songs,î he said.

How would you expect MM to react to jail? Bitch and moan like some spoiled Hollywood brat? No way. If the entire world were lost to nuclear holocaust and McConaughey was the only survivor, he'd probably say, "It's cool, man. No more competition for the tasty waves, Broseph."

ï An arrest warrant was issued Friday night, and there's a court hearing being held as we speak. TMZ says:

We know exactly why Lindsay Lohan is being hauled into court Monday and it's no big deal — probably.

Lindsay was in an alcohol ed program for more than a year and was in full compliance with her probation. Sources say not too long ago she decided to switch programs. She either was late or missed one of the classes at the new program — she says because the paparazzi made it impossible for her to show up on schedule. So the program director sounded the alarm last week to the court. And that's why the judge issued a warrant.

ï People adds:

Lohanís latest legal woe followed a night of partying that included a bizarre late-night visit to the Hollywood home of actor Jack Nicholson. Around 1:45 a.m. [on Saturday], Lohan showed up outside actor Nicholsonís house on Mulholland Drive. The group was eventually let in, and Lohan remained inside until a bodyguard picked her up about 4:30 a.m.

ï What better way to express frustration with your bicurious romance than to Tweet the shit out of it? Gawker has caps from Lohan's private Twitter:

"should you end it if the one person in the world fails to love, hold/comfort, apologize, and CHERISH you the night before jail? LIARS R COWARDS cuz they don't know what they got til it is far gone. and people-if you fucking love someone. PUT UR PRIDE A-fucking-SIDE AND JUST LOVE THEM BACK! do not ever dj before calling if they ARE FUCKING ABOUT TO GET ARRESTED FOR CHASING YOU TO MAKE YOU STAY"

ï However, Twooting her heart out didn't help matters, and Lilo and Sam fought so hard they done busted a window. People, again:

Lohanís bodyguard then brought her to Sam Ronsonís house, where Ronson showed up at around 11:30 a.m. Later in the day, a loud disturbance was heard at the house, including the breaking [of a] window. Police cars arrived at the house shortly afterward.

At this point we're wondering how Lindsay Lohan can stand and walk and talk and function after such a bender. Just reading that summary had us reaching for the Alka-Seltzer and the ice pack. It's as if she is a new breed of alien celebrity sent to earth to destroy us. Through Red Bull fueled cooter-licking. Our Earth weapons are powerless against her tolerance for stimulants and taste for gonads.