CelebNewsWire» Bruce Willis Archives – CelebNewsWire

Ashton Kutcher Gets Meta

Agent E. — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 15:37:51 +0000

We’re convinced that the early death of the CW series The Beautiful Life had not so much to do with Mischa Barton’s cuckoo crazy times or terrible scripts or anything; it was the marketing. The show just didn’t have the balls to tout itself as the newest project to come “from the daring mind of Ashton Kutcher” as his other projects have done. The public will buy just about anything the bumbling beauhunk throws their way. Including, apparently, a movie based on his own life. Says The National Enquirer (via Celebitchy):

Cougar Emeritus DEMI MOORE’s squealing like a teenybopper because 16-years-younger hubby ASHTON KUTCHER’s generating buzz that’s got Hollywood fast-tracking his sensational new movie project – a romantic comedy that teams onetime screen queen Demi with real-life ex BRUCE WILLIS, and chronicles the zany adventures of a divorced couple after she marries (you guessed it!) a sexy stud 16 years her junior!

“It’s a PR bonanza with built-in headlines,” Ashton enthused to Bruce, who loves the idea and desperately needs career CPR since his new flick “Surrogates” went on life-support – not to mention a DOA mess titled “Assassination of a High School President,” co-starring MISCHA BARTON, that fast-tracked straight to video!

Writers are pounding out the script as we go to press, and insiders say studio moguls are sniffing that sweet smell of success for the floundering box office mega-stars – especially with certified boy-genius Kutcher aboard. (Folks, I second that emotion!)

We find this premise more than a little creepy. It’s not the whole basing-fiction-on-real-life angle. Nope. It’s that this story gives us the distinct impression that Ashton-Demi-Bruce-Bruce’s-invisible-lady-wife land is filled with many, many orgies. These people are just way too close to not be humping each other in every configuration imaginable.

Ashton Kutcher Celebrates Bruce Willis's Nuptials by Tweeting a Pic of Demi Moore's Ass

Agent E. — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:03:11 +0000

So Bruce Willis got married this weekend. Huh. Really, what can we say about that? We hope his new bride (32-year-old model Emma Heming) likes the feel of a newborn's fuzzy head? Mazel tov to them and whatnot, but the real story here is Bruce's ex-wife, Demi Moore, who attended the ceremony with her new husband, Ashton "Mike" Kutcher, and her three children with Willis. (What, you expect a second marriage to be about the new wife? Your naivetÈ amuses us.) Her newer, younger model was just living his life, tweeting as normal, when he decided the view from his hotel couch was too good to keep to himself. So Ashton Twittered Demi's shitter:

watching my wife steam my suit while wearing a bikini. I love God!
9:43 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

I'm not wearing the bikini she is that's what makes it so glorious
9:46 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

shhh don't tell wifey http://twitpic.com/2bj58
10:11 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

Don't tell this very famous woman whose ass I am photographing and posting on the internet that I'm photographing her ass and posting it on the internet? Sure, Ashton, we won't tell a soul.

The Fifth Element is Youth

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 17:43:01 +0000

Bruce Willis is rumored to be dating his Perfect Stranger costar. Balki, NO!!!

Aw, hey, it's OK. Shhhh. Didn't mean to scare you there, with visions of Willis's shiny pate bobbling as he does the horizontal Dance of Joy with Bronson Pinchot. Star mag serves the hot poop:

On April 10, Bruce Willis, 52, hit the red carpet at the NYC premiere of his latest psychological thriller, Perfect Stranger, with costar Tamara Feldman, whoís in her mid-20s! The two, who met in 2006 while filming the movie – which also stars Halle Berry – were not only smiling for the cameras but were also holding hands!

ìThe only time Bruce let go of her hand was when he turned his head because of all the flashbulbs,î a source tells Star.

We have no clue who Tamara Feldman is, but Bruce's other most recent conquest is supposed to have been Courtney Love, so this Feldman chippie has to be some improvement. At any rate, it's nice to see Bruce Willis returning to form and clubbing tiny girls his daughters' age over the head and dragging them into his cave by their hair. You might say that Bruce is back. You might even call it a return. Or the return, rather. You might even go so far as to say that this is The Return of Bruno. You might say that.

Tam might get naked someday, so peruse her profile at MrSkin.com.

CNW Junk Drawer: She Wants to Be The Girl with the Least Cake

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 17:55:47 +0000

ï Courtney Love, in a bikini, weighing less than her 12-year-old daughter. That's what making out with Bruce Willis will do to a body. It happened to Lohan, now it's happening again.

ï Uma Thurman's one-piece strains against the weight of her Nordic kahooblies.

ï Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson's illicit extramarital blonde people love is not going so hot.

ï Kate's mom Goldie Hawn distracts us from her daughter's love life by erecting her nipples as if they were geriatric antennae 'neath her top.

ï Rose McGowan barred her Grindhouse costars from wearing red to its premiere so that she would be the only scarlet lady. And then she gazed into her mystical mirror to ask who was the fairest, and beat her adopted children with wire hangers.

ï I'mmmmm a Puffy Doodle Daddy, Puffy do it all the daaaaaayyyyy!

ï Catherine Zeta-Jones slowly realizing that her husband is eighty.

ï Jael from America's Next Top Model has slurred her way into our hearts and out of her clothes (NSFW)!

ï Paris Hilton swings open the doors to her Valtrex-tinged mantrap and waves Desperate Housewives bit player Josh Henderson past the velvet rope.

ï Cruznett!

ï Gyllenspoon!

CNW Junk Drawer: A Banjo, Some Clothing, a Gold Record

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 17:37:46 +0000

ï Just a reminder: Jennifer Love Hewitt still has enormous bewbs.

ï Those pictures of AI's Antonella Barba smoking some dude's dork are fakes. But weep not, for it will still be entertaining to see the shame in her eyes as she belts out some Diane Warren song tonight.

ï When we see a headline about Paris Hilton getting impounded, we generally take that to mean "in the butt", not her car.

ï Naomi Watts is 100% with child. You know Nicole Kidman is seething with jealousy.

ï Cameron Diaz's butt cleave threatens to devour her bikini bottoms in one chomp.

ï Wolfgang Puck serves up a hearty lamb-and-hepatitis stew to half of Hollywood.

ï Dannielynn Has Two Daddies.

ï Britney's problem might be post-partum depression. Solution: make Jayden James pay.

ï "It was a dark and stormy night. One of my streetwalking employees just sat on Bruce Willis's face." Breathtaking prose from a former Hollywood madam!

ï Kate Moss continues to show excellent judgment by allowing Pete Doherty to move into her home. He brought with him a banjo, clothing, a gold record, and a big pile of crack.

ï Lohan's got the DTs. Or she's just scared, whatever.

ï You'll have to wait just a little bit longer to ~~illegally download~~ use your working and legitimate credit card to purchase a copy of the Kim Kardashian sex tape.

ï Anna Nicole might have died from being loopy! Oh, wait, no. Lupus. Lupus.

Bruised Bruce Boo-hoos 'Bout Boo-boo

Agent E. — Fri, 26 Jan 2007 17:40:36 +0000

Everyone stop what you're doing and prepare yourselves for the disturbing news we're about to relay: Bruce Willis was bruised on the set of Die Hard 4. We know, we know, it's hard. But everything will be ok. Bruce is a trooper and we're sure he'll pull through.

According to imdb:

Bruce Willis has become the latest star nursing cuts and bruises after getting injured on a Los Angeles film set. The actor was kicked in the forehead during a fight scene in his new Die Hard movie on Wednesday, and was briefly hospitalized.

Because we are deeply concerned citizens who care about the well-being of our top-tier entertainers and wish for their beautiful visages to remain free of mars and blemishes, we are in the beginning stages of organizing a benefit concert to help their plight. We're trying to land U2 for this important cause. So, please, join our efforts before it's too late. We wouldn't want this serious and filming-schedule threatening affliction to reach Lindsay Lohan; the girl's been through enough already.

Do you think Bruce is sexy? Then check him out at MaleStars.com.

And Now They're Porking

Agent E. — Thu, 18 Jan 2007 17:45:49 +0000

Have you been boning the same boring person for eight years because you know that if you dumped said boring person there would just be another boring person–who would probably be less attractive or fatter or more annoying–to take their place? You should totally become a celebrity! Then you could change partners every six months and each one would be prettier and more successful than the last. Now you'll just have to work on getting talent and looks and charm. That should be easy.

First, Seth Cohen is either making a severe downgrade or is mourning the death of The O.C. in a rather self-destructive manner:

Are Kirsten Dunst and Adam Brody an item? The two were looking awfully cozy at L.A. hotspot Hyde recently, reports US Weekly.

Their shared love of thrift-store t-shirts and uncleanliness should take them pretty far.

And Bruce Willis is skewing a bit older than normal, as he was reportedly "making out in front of everybody" with Drew Barrymore. While her daddy issues are just as intense as Lindsay Lohan's, she's decades past the whole rehabbin' and relapsin' phase, so we guess that's a score for Bruce.

While we were against the union of Mandy Moore and DJ AM at first glance, we're warming up to it, mostly thanks to these photos. Awwww. And, hey, if Mandy can make even Zach Braff seem less than an over-full colostomy bag, she can make anyone loveable. Perhaps she should embark on a goodwill mission to de-douche America, dating the likes of Dane Cook, Mark McGrath, and Fred Durst.

And now for the most useless couple of them all, Sienna Miller and Josh Hartnett. Sienna has proven her ability to turn The Sexiest Man Alive into a dirty hobo clown in the span of a year, so at least Josh was already on his way. She could have practiced her sexy-killing voodoo on George Clooney or Justin Timberlake or the like.

The above ladies are all at MrSkin.com. Start with Drew, as she's the nakedest.

Look Who's Clocking (Photographers)

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 15 Jun 2006 17:35:57 +0000

A paparazzo has filed a police report against Bruce Willis, claiming that the cueballed celebrity pushed him and shoved him with his own camera. Willis's spokesman, Paul Bloch, says that Bruce simply raised a hand up "to protect himself" because he was "blinded by the lights." Furthermore, Willis was also revved up like a deuce, or possibly wrapped up like a douche, depending on who you talk to.

Exhaustion is so 2005, and bird flu is still a little too underground, so this season's hot new Hollywood malady is shaping up to be flashbulb confusion brought on by the Pavarotti–you know, the camera-toting dudes also responsible for poor celebrity vehicular skills. They caused Paris Hilton to molest a poor, innocent Civic with her brutish SUV mere days ago, and now they've compelled Bruce Willis to attack one of their own! On Tuesday night, Willis was leaving Koi, natch, and being snapped by a roving band of photogs when, in his version of the story, he lifted one meaty hand to shield his eyes from the unrelenting blink of the flashbulbs, when he accidentally tapped a lensman. But according to the "victim", Willis smacked him with such force that his own camera flew into his face and chipped a tooth, requiring hospitalization.

He smashed my camera into my face… All I was doing was taking his picture. I didn't say one word. I didn't get in his way.

After watching Bruce Willis in Sin City, Pulp Fiction, and Die Hards great and small, we have to admit that we're a little disappointed that a kiss from the great fist of Willis causes nothing more than a chipped bicuspid. We were hoping for a nose bone to the brain, a crushed pharynx, or possibly a spinal cord ripped clean out of the victim's mouth.

Want to see Bruce in the buff? Of course you do. Head over to MaleStars.com. They'll take care of ya.

Bruce and Berry: Hologram Humpin'

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 10 May 2006 17:59:36 +0000

Bruce Willis allegedly refused to shoot a sex scene with Halle Berry because she is simply too beautiful and it would have been "awkward". Instead, Halle was filmed writhing solo on a bed while Bruce's recorded voice played in the background. Sooo, we can assume the writhing she was doing was caused by disgust, or pain, or quite possibly revulsion.

The movie is called Perfect Stranger and, as far as we can see, doesn't have anything to do with Cousin Larry Appleton or Balki or Myposians in general. But it does, apparently, have something to do with Bruce Willis having fake sex with Halle Berry through the magic of moviemaking. Although Bruce had no problem allegedly dorking a girl young enough to be his offspring, he got all clammy when faced with Halle:

"I get all awkward. She's beautiful. It's almost like looking at an eclipse of the sun. You have to poke a pin through a card and look at her through that. She's so stunning you could damage your retina."

Or your penis bone!
When it came time to shoot the big boff scene, Halle was instructed to hit the sheets and hump the air. Later, Halle and Willis's wriggling bod were patched together using CGI-style wizardry, marking the very first time this technology was used to create a sex scene. Deep down in our hearts, we are hoping for some sort of computer foul-up so that instead of Bruce Willis, Halle would be having sex with Jar Jar Binks. And then he'll say, "Meesa touchee boobas!" and then Halle and Jar Jar will ride a skateboard with Garfield and Stuart Little. Smell that? That's the piquant odor of Oscar gold.

See Halle naked, for real, at MrSkin.com.

And Bruce is at MaleStars.com.

The Sexth Sense

Agent E. — Tue, 26 Jul 2005 17:30:19 +0000

We always thought our best pick-up line–ìI seem to have lost my phone number. Could I borrow yours?î–was the best way to score chicks, but Bruce Willis sure has us beat. We just werenít thinking sleazy enough. But Bruce seems to have a lot of practice in that area.

Not content with possibly humping Lindsay Lohan and trying to pretend that heís really only twenty-eight, Bruce Willis has taken to trying to pick up college sophomores at hotel pools. Willis was at the Tropicana at the Roosevelt Hotel in Los Angeles when he and his buddies started talking about pick-up lines. Willis turned to a young lady and said, "What are your plans for sex tonight?" Willisís lawyer claims that Bruce was not actually trying to find a temporary home for his willy but was just kidding around with the dudes. The girl didnít see it that way and was reportedly ìgrossed outî by the incident. We donít think she was grossed out so much by the line itself or even by the fact that a man thirty years her senior may have been trying to sample her hot bar. The young woman only came close to tossing her cookies when, directly after asking her what her plans were for sex tonight, Willis asked her to pull his finger then told her about how when he was her age he had to walk uphill eight miles, in the snow, barefoot, just for the chance to proposition a girl who would laugh in his face.
If you like 'em old and bald, check out Bruce at MaleStars.com.