According to Jenner, he and his girlfriend Jayde Nicole were at the club celebrating his birthday, when Jayde saw Francis hitting on an ex-girlfriend of his (Francis’), Jenner says “unrelentingly.” Jayde felt he was harassing the woman — whom Jayde and Brody know — and she threw a drink on Francis.

Jenner says Francis then pulled Jayde’s hair, punched her in the face and threw her to the ground and began kicking her. Security broke it up and Francis got dragged away — Brody followed.  Jenner says he started yelling at Francis and both men were ejected from the club.

Outside the club, Jenner says he tried to get back in to see Jayde but security wouldn’t let him. Jenner then saw Joe, punched him in the face, and then someone tased him and he fell to the ground.

It’s a good thing scumlord Francis started this all by beating up a lady, otherwise we wouldn’t know who to root for here. It’s like trying to figure out which turd you should root for in the race down the toilet hole.

ï Tyra Banks recreates her iconic swimsuit issue cover shot. Too bad her face looks like she's dropping a log in her bikini bottoms.

ï Gretchen Carlson finally lends credibility to FOX News with a liberal view of her panty-clad crotchial area. Did you catch that? Liberal! Haw haw?

ï Brody Jenner is pissed that Details insinuated he was using Nicole Richie, but says it's all good because he has "broad shoulders". Wait, what?

ï Watch in rapturous wonder as Jewel nearly drops a forkful of food down her cavernous chest chasm.

ï Anna Nicole's death is a lot like her life: with a bunch of creepy men all fighting over her body.

ï Speaking of Anna Nicole, her small, purple-haired, Broom Hilda lookalike tuff gal former assistant Kimmie speaks out, accusing Howard K. Stern of being an asshole!

ï Or not.

ï Michelle Rodriguez "never killed a pot head".

ï Naomi Watts is likely preggo via Liev Schreiber, who ejaculated semen into her vagina.

What was at the heart of the long-gone relationship between Nicole Richie and Brody Jenner? He was trying to get her to eat.

In a dialogue exchange that is part of a profile of Jenner in the March issue of Details, Spencer Pratt, described as Jenner's "manager- slash- publicist-slash- agent-slash-stylist" says to Jenner, "Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna start dating Nicole Richie. And you're gonna get that skinny bitch to eat, all right? You are about to become The Guy Who Got Nicole Richie to Eat. Process that shit, bro. You'll be, like, a fucking hero to America."

The plan, which was devised last August (just when Jenner and Richie did begin dating), was actually part of Jenner's scheme to ride Richie's coattails and become a more familiar name himself ñ which, as Details points out, proved successful, because here it is interviewing him.

And he just gets more charming from there. What we don't understand is how it's possible that Brody Jenner and Paris Hilton have not yet dated. Perhaps their super-asshole powers are too strong to come within fifty feet of each other. Their copulation might be capable of initiating the apocalypse.

Nicole thinks skinny is sexy at MrSkin.com.

. . . Lohan, 20, who entered L.A.'s Wonderland rehab center on Jan. 18 to treat her addiction issues, has been sending bachelor-about-town Brody Jenner, 23, sexy text messages for the last couple weeks.

We've eye-balled one particularly flirtatious sext-message that Lohan sent Jenner – former flame of Kristin Cavallari, Nicole Richie and Lauren Conrad – last Saturday night in which the 12-stepper, among other requests, texted that all she wanted was "McDonald's and sex."

When asked by Usmagazine.com to comment on Lohan's textual pursuit, Jenner, who just signed a deal to be a spokesman for Scope mouthwash, said, "Sorry, dude. I don't text and tell."

Ah, Scope. It's not Brody's Snack Wrap she's after, but all those delicious, liquidy, gratis jugs of minty fresh Scope, with their cool, crisp flavor and especially tasty 8.4% alcohol content.

Get drunk on Lohan at MrSkin.com.

I knew the Nicole Richie – Brody Jenner romance was headed for the toilet! Just days before the split, a lady shrieked when she opened the restroom door at swanky BevHills eatery Kate Mantilini and discovered the emaciated ìSimple Lifeî star and ìPrinces of Malibuî hunk Brody ñ who were definitely NOT rehearsing for a new reality TV show together ñ wrapped tighter than snakes and lip-locked closerthanthis! Red-faced, the lady closed the door, then clocked a good five minutes before the heavy-breathers exited. When the pent-up lady finally got in and concluded business, she found evidence of Nicole and ìPrinceî Brodyís hot struggle ñ his wallet on the floor ñ but gritted her teeth and dropped it on their table as she exited.

What surprises us here is that Nicole Richie's fourth-grader body is still capable of taking on a slice on man meat. We'd think that Nicole's vagina could only accommodate a penis the size of a Tootsie Roll, so this can only mean one thing: Either Brody Jenner is hovering in Enrique Iglesias territory, blue-veined custard chucker wise, or no amount of dieting can shrink an already stretched-to-capacity vadge back to pre-pubescent size.

Nicole is smokin' at MrSkin.com.

I know there are rumors regarding my 'breakup' with Brody Jenner. The truth is, we were never really together. We hung out, and he's a nice guy, but my heart was never in it. Anything further is just a cry for publicity.

Gee, Nicole, that sure is convincing. And luckily we've had a lot of practice swallowing your bullshit stories lately. "We were never dating. I've always been this size. I technically possess the skeletal system of an African pygmy." Whatever you say, Nicole.
And in even less interesting news, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have finally decided to stop making us pay attention to their utterly boring relationship–just in time for the DVD release of their movie The Break Up. In which they break up. What a co-inky-dink. Us Weekly reports:

After weeks of distance both emotional and real, the relationship ax fell the week of September 9 for Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston. A source close to Vaughn tells Us that the split happened just before the actor left for London to begin work on his holiday comedy, Joe Claus. ìItís not common knowledge, but weíre not together anymore,î Vaughn told the insider September 13, adding that they solidified the breakup in a long phone conversation. ìWeíve split up.î
Confirms an Aniston pal: ìTheyíre 100 percent done.î
Soon afterward, Vaughn, 36, canceled plans for Aniston, 37, to visit him in London for a September 23 party, says the source. What went wrong? Sources tell Us that the relationship began to unravel almost immediately after Vaughnís June 27 proposal to Aniston.

You know that right now there is a celebrity "reporter" at Star or In Touch laughing maniacally as if he were Sharon Stone talking about the audaciousness of her fortysomething nudity and twirling his mustache, so happy that he can finally break out and re-use his favorite graphics and captions from so many "Jennifer Is Sad" feature articles.

You know that movie we mentioned? Jennifer's naked in it. She's also naked in The Good Girl. See her at MrSkin.com.

Nicole doesn't like to show off her bee stings, but you can still see her at MrSkin.com.