CelebNewsWire» Britney Spears Archives – CelebNewsWire

Britney Spears and Jennifer Aniston Costar in Comely Bikini Pics

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:23:58 +0000

Prince once urged us all to party as if it were the year 1999. CelebNewsWire takes most of its cues from the doily-clad dwarf, so after masturbating with a magazine and Batdancing, we would like to invite you to ogle new pictures of Britney Spears and Jennifer Aniston in bikinis, just like it was 1999. Oh, it was a simpler time then. Before the head-shaving, before Brangelina. We were playing Sega Dreamcast, Gene Siskel departed this world, and we all fell in love with a zany card named Jar Jar Binks. And Jen and Brit were America’s #1 sex symbols. So look at these shots because they make a nice companion while you’re downloading “Bailamos” on Napster.

Sign up for our RSS feed! Do it now, do it now!

CNW Junk Drawer: They Tried to Make Me Go to Silicone Rehab

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:08:20 +0000

Amy Winehouse has traded needles in the arm for needles in the boobs and lips. (The Blemish)
Rachel Bilson sports Gwyneth Paltrow-style greaseball legs in Flaunt. (Yeeeah!)
James Gandolfini assaulted a paparazzo. Sadly, he later found out that the photog was not, in fact, carrying any nachos on him so it was all for naught. (Anything Hollywood)
Strap on your lucite and jump into a puddle of bronzer–it’s the Shauna Sand sex tape preview! (Nudography)
Tom isn’t the only Cruise who likes a phallic object in the mouth. (Allie Is Wired)
Kelly Brook places crumpets over her crumpets. Then we will eat dunk them in our milk. And other gross metaphors. (Mr. Skin)
Australia is pissssssed about Britney Spears lip synching. (Amy Grindhouse).
Chris Martin calls Kate Bosworth Gwyneth’s “younger version”. And then he porked her. (Celebitchy)
Sandra Bullock in custody battle for porn star’s kid. God, that sentence was awesome. (Hollywood Gossip)
Michael Lohan wants to release more Lindsay tapes. Yeah, that’ll help. (Pop on the Pop)
Stop being an asshole and be our pal on Facebook.

We’re Surprised His Semen Isn’t Pure Lard By Now

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 17:25:03 +0000

If you place Kevin Federline’s semen on a slide and peer at it through a microscope, you will see the mustachioed strongman from the circus, Batman, Captain “Sully” Sullenberger, Juggernaut from the X-Men, and the ‘85 Bears. His seed will not be stopped. He has two children with Shar Jackson, two with Britney Spears, and now, he’s impregnated his present girlfriend. Or so the Enquirer says:

Pro volleyball player Victoria Prince said she found out in mid-October that she’s expecting K-Fed’s fifth child, and friends fear the surprising baby news could send the emotionally fragile Britney back off the rails.

“Britney never wanted Kevin to have another child unless it was with her,” revealed a source. “She desperately wants to have a baby girl, and she had hoped Kevin would be the dad.”

Britney, meanwhile, appeared in Perth, Australia, donning a see-through T-shirt and no bra, her tits really getting into the spirit of being Down Under.

Protect yourself against unwanted pregnancies by signing up for our RSS feed.

Britney Spears, Motherhood’s Pinnacle

Agent E. — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:17:52 +0000

You fear for humanity every time you walk down the Wal-Mart frozen foods aisle and see a 300-pound woman in an “I’m Too Sexy for This Shirt” tee smacking around her kid and yelling, “Get Mama some Hot Pockets, shithead.” But apparently that’s just good parenting, at least according to Britney Spears’s British fans. Says the San Fransisco Chronicle:

Britney Spears’ comeback is complete — she has topped a new poll to find the best celebrity mom.

And the singer’s fans have obviously noticed Spears’ efforts. She received a mammoth 74 percent share of the vote in a new poll by U.K. company Park Christmas Saving to find the best mother in show business.

Following in second place is Spears’ childhood rival, Christina Aguilera, who pulled in 12 per cent of the votes, while mother-of-six Angelina Jolie was in third.

What do you think pushed Britney over the top in this poll? Her encouragement for Sean and JJ to expand their vocabularies? Her desire to keep them close in times of crisis? No no no , it must have been her dedication to teaching her children real grown-up responsibility by asking them to fetch mama’s lollipops. Yeah, that’s definitely it.

Be a doll and fetch mama’s lollipops. They’re right over there on our Facebook page.

Britney Spears Blows a Wad on Stuff to Suck on

Agent E. — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 16:09:21 +0000

You remember that one time you were really depressed and needed chocolate so you went to the Jewel and bought their entire stock of Three Muskateers? It must’ve cost you like 70 bucks. You thought you were going totally over the top on that one. But really, deep in your heart, you knew there was one person in the world who could trump that candy spending spree. One person by the name of Britney Spears. Our very own Mr. Goodbar, FemaleFirst, reports:

The ‘Womanizer’ singer splashed out the staggering sum at the Sugar Factory, which is located inside Las Vegas’ Mirage hotel, which she visited with sons, Sean Preston, four, and three-year-old Jayden James, and boyfriend Jason Trawick on Sunday (27.09.09).

A source said: “She spent about $3,000 and walked out of the store with 10 bags. She got a bunch of candy and shirts for her kids and got a bunch of the couture lollipops to give to her back-up dancers.”

Ummm, what the fuck is a “couture lollipop”? A sucker with a Jean Paul Gaultier cone bra? Because we think that might hurt.

Megan Fox: Britney Spears Records Are Better Than Death

Agent E. — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:44:49 +0000

Humans have been striving for immortality for centuries, so it’s kind of weird that the key to staying alive has finally come to us from the pretty much vacant mind of Megan Fox. What’s the secret to never-ending life? Just listen to Britney Spears all the time. The universe wouldn’t be so cruel as to make someone die while listening to “If U Seek Amy.” Says the prophet Fox:

I developed [a fear of flying] when I turned 20. All of a sudden I got really afraid to get on airplanes. I had to come up with a way to deal with it because I didn’t want to have panic attacks every time I get on a plane. I know for a fact it’s not in my destiny to die listening to a Britney Spears album, so I always put that on in my [headphones] when I’m flying because I know it wont crash if I’ve got Britney on.

We wonder how much of her destiny has been revealed to Megan. Can she see the direct-to-video movies opposite C. Thomas Howell? The softcore porn? The really, really cheap and obvious plastic surgery? Because we can see all of that pretty clearly. Just give her ten years.

CNW Junk Drawer: Minka Jeter. Minka Jeter. Minka Jeter.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 16:24:20 +0000

Derek Jeter makes 500 trillion dollars a year and now he’s going to marry Minka Kelly. And you guys don’t want Socialism? (Yeeeah!)
Jennifer Aniston nips out for Elle. Fashionably sharp, old girl. (CityRag)
Even Anderson Cooper can’t hide the vitriol when it comes to indulging Heidi Montag’s poppycockery. (Gone Hollywood)
Gerard Butler slapped a dog. And he liked it. The taste of its treat-tinged dog spit. (The Blemish)
Kirsten Dunst has been sinking her fangs into several 12-packs of Stroh’s. (Fatback)
Constipated and sober? Kill two birds with one stone with a beer bong in your butt! Dunst, take notes. (College Candy)
Miranda Kerr goes blonde; gets paid to hold a bottle and stand around. (CelebSlam)
Megan Fox as Catwoman? Naw, it’s just a rumor. Still, feel free to make that inevitable “pussy” joke here, if you are so inclined. (Anything Hollywood)
Britney Spears and Russell Brand VMA Awards promo video. We didn’t watch it. Why not? Just we’re just that fuckin’ cool. (Amy Grindhouse)
It sounds as if Avril Lavigne will soon be divorcing her troll-like Canadian husband, and he’ll be free to live under bridges and torment the Billy Goats Gruff once again. (Celebrity Mound)
Something for the ladies: Robert Pattinson shower curtain. Because there’s nothing like the glower of a handsome vampire bearing down on you when you’re washing your ass crack. (Allie Is Wired)

President Spears

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 15:21:20 +0000

Britney Spears made a special surprise appearance on Letterman last night. She did the top 10 (”Ways the Country Would Be Different If Britney Spears Were President”). This would be an exciting story if anyone watched David Letterman. And if anyone looked forward to his top 10 lists so they could discuss them in Chem class the next day. And if an array of billions of completely naked ladies weren’t available for free on the internet, so the sight of a pop singer in a bikini gave you enough spank material to last a semester. So, 1990.

Friend us on Facebook. Why? Why NOT, butthole?

Ignore the Weave; Britney Looks Hot

Agent E. — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 16:12:07 +0000

Was there a sale at the Container Store this weekend that we missed? Because we’re pretty sure that every celebrity in the world stayed home and rearranged their closets. Every celeb except Britney Spears, that is. She was covorting (yes, covorting) around Marina Del Ray in a couple of bikinis. Luckily she didn’t wear them at the same time. That would have been really weird, though memorable. Actually we might take memorable today. Instead of, “Hey, here’s Britney in a bikini looking pretty good,” we could be saying, “Damn, girl’s wearing a paisley bandeau over a polka dot string? She done gone crazy again. We knew it was coming, but we thought this time it would involve yanking out strands of her weave and gluing them to Sean P’s face.” So for what it’s worth, here’s Brit in a pair of bikinis. Doesn’t seem so interesting now, does it?

CNW Junk Drawer: Tumbleweaves

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 16:11:42 +0000

That’s Britney’s weave, not the back of Dog the Bounty Hunter’s head, FYI.
John Edwards, you are the father. (Celebitchy)
Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhart are back together. Their hearts are held together by love. And their groins are forever linked by the human papilloma virus. (Fatback)
Channing Tatum was a stripper. A stripper who grinded (ground?) to ’90s lovemaking jams in comically oversized clothing. (Yeeeah!)
Kat Von D models her own tattoo concealer. Megan Fox, take note. (The Superficial)
Kendra Wilkinson is having a baby boy. We . . . have nothing snarky to say about that? OK. (The Blemish)
Pink gets a boob groped by a kangaroo. You heard me. (Allie)