CelebNewsWire» Bret Michaels Archives – CelebNewsWire

"Sometimes I will endanger my own life to pleasure a woman"

Agent E. — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 18:15:49 +0000

Just a few days ago, we were feeling sorry for undercover baldie Bret Michaels. The world discovered that he's a worse lip syncer than Britney Spears and he almost got decapitated by set dressing. (We still think Sebastian Bach's Broadway connections may have been calling in a favor.) But today there's no feeling sorry for the man. He's an idiot. He went yammering on about how depriving his body of insulin is better than Viagra. When Elle asked if his diabetes affects his sex life, he said:

The only time it will ever affect you in bed is if you have extremely low blood sugar and you go into insulin shock, at which point you wonít be standing up, let alone performing sex. However, I will sometimes hold off on the insulin, which will jack my blood sugar level up to the low 200 range. Itís like how a prizefighter will want to go into the ring with his blood sugar levels high. It gives you the stamina of a bull. So, yes, sometimes I will endanger my own life to pleasure a woman.

Great thinking, Bret. And if someone told you that slitting your throat and pumping away until the life is almost totally gone from your eyes was really awesome, would you do that too? Maybe you should read a little about the death of David Carradine.

P.S. If you have some time to kill, do a Google image search on Bret Michaels. A beautiful, beautiful man awaits you.

"C.C., Pick Up That Guitar and OW, My Skull"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 18:33:47 +0000

Before we get into this video clip, can someone please tell us why Bret Michaels and Poison were performing at the Tony Awards? Is there a Rock of Love musical we don't know about? (Actually, that's a fairly amazing idea. Complicated dance schemes involving throwing the devil's horns. A chorus line of skanks in bikinis. "Unskinny Bop" belted out as the heart-tugging centerpiece.) We don't have the answer, but for some reason, C.C. Deville teased his hair and Bret troweled on an extra layer of bronzer to mime playing "Nothing But a Good Time" last night. And as they pretended to rock out on the last note, a giant set thingie came down and appeared to chop off Bret's head. Most likely it was just his cowboy hat but we do like to envision his head, lips still pursed and extensions still flowing, rolling across the stage into Heather's waiting arms.

CNW Junk Drawer: Lisa, Kelly, or Jessie?

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 20:38:06 +0000

ï Mr. Skin takes to the streets of Chicago to find out which Saved by the Bell babe is the most wanted in the Windy City. (Mr. Skin)

ï Samantha Ronson blows a load all over Lindsay Lohan. Load, kiss, same thing. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï If Tom Cruise had a comic book. (Holy Taco)

ï Model Miranda Kerr dumps Orlando Bloom for Brandon "Firecrotch!" Davis. Trading a eunuch elf for Fat Elvis? That's kind of a lateral move. (Yeeeah!)

ï Sarah Jessica Parker gets her chin goober removed; now will only be mistaken for Lemmy Kilmeister 50% of the time. (Cityrag)

ï Don't tase me, (Josh) bro(lin)! (The Blemish)

ï Katy Perry wants to kiss a girl. A girl named Miley Cyrus. And we liked it. (Hollywire)

ï Kristin Chenoweth is charming, funny, and has colossal gazongas. (Fatback)

ï Vanessa Hudgens straddles Zac Efron on the beach. She's thinking sex, he's thinking "stop smudging my bronzer." (F-listed)

ï Reggie Bush desires less tush from girlfriend Kim Kardashian. He also hates America, freedom, petting puppies, and ice cream. (Celebitchy)

ï Bret Michaels and Ambre Lake have ended their "relationship". Now Bret can spend more time with his hair and the finest European extensions money can buy. (Celeb Warship)

ï Emmy nominations released; Katherine Heigl's wish comes true when she gets zilch. (Bitten and Bound)

CNW Junk Drawer: Oh, Behave

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 17:37:04 +0000

ï Gisele Bundchen may be costarring in the new Austin Powers movie. Terrific. What's next, Adriana Lima in Mighty Ducks V? (Daily Stab)

ï Eva Longoria and her husband want to invite Posh and Becks over for a foursome. A foursome consisting of slow and sensual games of Cootie! and Mousetrap. (Female Foist)

ï Debbie Gibson got a restraining order against her stalker, who sounds like a real Electric Douche. Haw haw haw! (Celebitchy)

ï "Deer dairy. today i went down and used the terlet at the Cogo's on wilshur bulevard. i plum fergoted my pantys inside! then i pixed up a ~~parperp~~ ~~pupozee~~ parparotzy man and kissed on him. rainbows r pritty!!!!!111" Britney Spears has video diaries and they may be released, woo hoo! (Hollywire)

ï John Mayer's body is a wonderland. A wonderland of cliche tattoos like koi fish and waves and blooming flowers. (Cityrag)

ï Elisha Cuthbert puts down cigarette long enough to grab her own tit in Maxim. (F-listed)

ï Evan Rachel Wood's transformation into boyfriend Marilyn Manson is complete. Excellent. Release the bats! (CelebWarship)

ï Bret Michaels says that "My hair is combined of my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer." And all this time we thought it was Britney's castoff weaveage sewn onto a bandanna. (ONTD)

ï Pictures of Pete Doherty in jail. Hair product fashioned out of leftover butter pats. (Dlisted)

Open Up and Say . . . Assassination

Agent E. — Mon, 03 Apr 2006 17:40:01 +0000

We know that hair-metal bands have brought much pain and suffering to innocent citizens just trying to tune into top 40 radio for the latest hit by Jody Whatley or Rick Astley, but that's no reason to start shooting at the genre's biggest stars. If the gun-toting stalker who's after Poison frontman Bret Michaels wanted to do real damage, he'd follow his around with a barber's chair, a pair of scissors, and a massive amount of eye-makeup remover.

We were shocked to learn that Bret Michaels still enters tasks such as touring and making personal appearances into his datebook, but then we're not the biggest follower of butt rock–we're more into contemporary jazz and new age. In fact, now that we think about it, we're not sure whether or not Poison is still a band. They could be selling out venues as large as the events room in the back of Bubba's Rib Shack (Just two miles off I-80!) and attracting young, new be-mulleted fans as we speak. Either way, Bret's having a difficult time bringing the rock to those fans lately, due to all the bullets flying at him. According to Page Six:

On Thursday morning, the randy rocker was arriving at the Adam Corolla radio show in L.A. for a guest appearance when, as he was pulling into the parking lot on Wilshire and Fairfax, "his Mercedes was hit with a bullet," our source said. The window was shattered but Michaels was fine. Just five months ago, the back window of his tour bus was shot out in Springfield, Mass., while he was en route to a show. A rep for Michaels said, "We're taking this seriously. We'd like to think it was random, but this is the second time this has happened in six months – both times at publicized events."

We have a red alert, people! Our hair-metal icons are in danger! Round up the Nelson twins, whichever members of Trixter aren't working in the kitchen at Shakey's, and the surviving members of Enuff Z'nuff and get them to a safe house, stat!

We never would have thought that Bret Michaels would be at MaleStars.com, but sure enough he is.