When the bartender gave her a bill, she had a meltdown. She was yelling at him and screaming profanities at everyone. The bar insisted she pay, so she had to call a friend with her credit-card information.

She was crying and wanted to go home. She kept saying ‘I don’t pay for drinks! This is ridiculous! I’m freaking out!’

We’re really hoping that some savvy director will use this tactic to their advantage. Lindsay will show up on set (a few hours late, but she’ll be there eventually) and work for a few days. Then she’ll be like, “Hey, I need to make an installment on these fish lips I bought, I should see where my paycheck is.” Then she’ll approach the director and ask why she hasn’t gotten paid yet and he’ll be all like, “I don’t pay for actors! This is ridiculous! I’m freaking out!”

Kiefer Sutherland racked up the following $700 bar tab between 7am and 1pm. Yes, those times are correct.

We’ve learned the “24″ star and members of the show’s crew popped into The Spot in San Pedro, California last week after wrapping up a shoot nearby — and they were ready to get their drink on.

According to an employee at the bar, Kiefer was throwing back scotch & Cokes and bought drinks for everybody in the joint — roughly 30 people. The total damage: $500. No food … all booze.  The drinks may have been stiff, but Kiefer wasn’t — we’re told he tipped $200.

FYI: We’re told Sutherland — who has a few DUIs under his belt — was responsible this time and used a designated driver when he left the bar.

Luckily, we haven’t quite made it to the holiday season, so no Christmas trees were sacrificed in the name of partying. Unfortunately, several rubber bats, an anamatronic cackling witch, and the entire jack-o’-lantern population of east 15th street lost their lives in the melee.

Mischa Barton seemed to have trouble orienting herself at the G- star after-party at the Bowery Hotel. Barton — who recently attributed an involuntary hospitalization to wisdom-teeth complications — stumbled up to the check-in table with a posse of eight. “She kept saying, in a really spacey, weird British accent, ‘Like, I’m with the deejay. I totally know the deejay. I’m here for the deejay,’ ” laughs our spy. “She was slurring her words.” After being let in, we’re told that Barton “needed to be escorted to the deejay booth” where she proceeded to “stand for about an hour, dancing in her own world. I don’t think her eyes were open to full capacity — or even half capacity — the whole time she was there.”

See, this isn’t funny. It’s sad. In trying to find a picture for this post, we Googled “Mischa Barton drunk,” and some of the images that came up were just sad. This is not a lady who likes to engage in a tipple and then go about her day. This is a lady who needs some help. God, between this and Burt Reynolds going to rehab, we’re just totally bummed out. We don’t want to live a in post-Swayze world; it’s full of dark and depressing things.

Since we want to be just like Ashlee (only with more crotch shots) we’re on the Twitters. Follow us, brah.

Robert Pattinson is as creepy as his fictional blood-lusting counterpart; sends Kristen Stewart 400 texts a month. (Celebitchy)

• Ashley Olsen in her underwear. Hey, don’t look at us. You were the one with the Olsen Twins Countdown to Legality calendar on your computer for years, nerd. (Cityrag)

• Getting down to the wire here! Mr Skin’s Top 100 Celebrity Nude Scenes: numbers 20 through 11. (Mr Skin)

• Cindy Crawford in a bikini. You liked it in 1992, and you’ll like it just as much in 2009. She must be drinking out of Brangelina’s sex grotto. (The Blemish)

• Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore almost crashed on a plane; live to Twitter again. (Anything Hollywood)

• Tiger Woods cut the cheese!!! (Gone Hollywood)

• Jessica Simpson enjoys a quaff or twelve at her hairdo dude’s birthday party. (Amy Grindhouse)

• 5 Movies John Hughes will be remembered fer. (Jezebel)

• Milla Jovovich collects knives. How Angelina 1998. (Daily Stab)

Saturday night, Barton was spotted “having a disastrous dinner” with a group of girls at Sant Ambroeus in the West Village. “She was upset and talking frantically into her phone about having a stalker,” said our spy. “Her friends were trying to console her, but she went outside and chain-smoked cigarettes.” Sunday night, she wore an unflattering tight black dress to the Cooper Square Hotel for the Carrera Summer Escape party, where someone spilled a drink on her.

Unflattering? Unflattering? Tell that to our friend Alluxa down at the bus station. She picked up that little number at Divine Clubwear on S. 76th and ended up making two hundred bucks that night. Now that’s an investment. Eat your heart out, recession.

• Rihanna’s bringing back the Gumby. You go, girl. (Yeeeah!)
• Top 100 Celebrity Nude Scenes of All Time! Shut the door, turn off your phone, and dig into #40-31. (Mr Skin)
• Lake Bell in a see-through bra for GQ. Who’s Lake Bell? Who cares! (The Blemish)
• Michael Jackson’s doctor will most likely be charged with manslaughter. (TMZ)
• Paris Hilton claims that MJ named his daughter after her. Wait a minute, Michael Jackson’s daughter is named VD Farmer? (Celebrity Milkshake)
• Kelis had a baby boy after 67 hours of labor. That’s right. That’s a 6 and a 7. Not a typo. (Amy Grindhouse)
• Evangeline Lilly and Dominic Monaghan: the romance of the hobbit and the hottie is back on. (Celebitchy)
• A touching stroll through the halls of Celebrity Drunkface. (Cityrag)
• Amy Winehouse is as innocent as the Snuggle Bear on a spring morn. Fly free, little crackie! (Bitten and Bound)