CelebNewsWire» boobs Archives – CelebNewsWire

The Jug Is Leaking

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:05:21 +0000

Last month, Amy Winehouse debuted her new breast implants by puffing out her shiny new chest and strutting around on the street like she was a male quail showing off her fine plumage to a hen. But it looks like even this improvement has literally blown up in her face because her fake boob is leaking. She was hospitalized earlier this week for a reaction to cold medicine (haw!), but, according to her helpful father:

Mitch Winehouse has rubbished claims that his daughter Amy went to hospital the other day for a cold .

Mitch said: “It wasn’t because she had a cold. She’s fine, she just had a little (pointing to his chest) leaky something or other.”

A friend of Amy’s adds: “She saw something oozing out on to her top. She was worried as they looked wonky and to see stuff seeping out was horrible.

She’s only had those things for one month! That’s what happens when you shop the clearance rack at Crazy Eddie’s House of Titties. It’s like Loehmann’s, but with a better dressing room.

Blake Lively’s Boobs: Cruel Plastic Hoax?

Agent E. — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:40:54 +0000

Awhile back there was this little show called the Emmys. People got awards for doing stuff like managing not to completely trod all over the grave of the best documentary ever. And it was really boring. So we focused on Blake Lively’s boobs. And we scratched our head. We looked and stared and contemplated and ogled and dragged out our monocle and still couldn’t decide if those things were real. But we’ve finally come to a decision thanks to these pics from a screening of her movie The Private Lives of Pippa Lee. Our verdict? Fake fake fake. Of course, we can’t be sure, since we’ve never seen Blake Lively nude, but c’mon! Look at those things! We can almost hear the “boioioioioiong” and squeak from accidentally running into them. Boobs just don’t do that. Well, in the semi-hardcore graphic novel we’ve been working on they do, but that’s a whole different universe where boobs can do any number of miraculous tasks, like give you a top-notch shoe shine.

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We’re Surprised His Semen Isn’t Pure Lard By Now

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 17:25:03 +0000

If you place Kevin Federline’s semen on a slide and peer at it through a microscope, you will see the mustachioed strongman from the circus, Batman, Captain “Sully” Sullenberger, Juggernaut from the X-Men, and the ‘85 Bears. His seed will not be stopped. He has two children with Shar Jackson, two with Britney Spears, and now, he’s impregnated his present girlfriend. Or so the Enquirer says:

Pro volleyball player Victoria Prince said she found out in mid-October that she’s expecting K-Fed’s fifth child, and friends fear the surprising baby news could send the emotionally fragile Britney back off the rails.

“Britney never wanted Kevin to have another child unless it was with her,” revealed a source. “She desperately wants to have a baby girl, and she had hoped Kevin would be the dad.”

Britney, meanwhile, appeared in Perth, Australia, donning a see-through T-shirt and no bra, her tits really getting into the spirit of being Down Under.

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The Soy Council’s Evil Plot to Give Jeremy Piven Tits

Agent E. — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 16:53:35 +0000

That Jeremy Piven, he’s such a whiner. First it was “Wahhhh, I can’t do a play cause I ate too many fishies and they made me sick” and now it’s all “Boo hoo, nobody loves me cause I got bitch titties from drinking soy milk.” Dude should just be grateful that he was able to step up from getting thrown bit parts by John Cusack. Jeremy said (through a Brit-speak filter, apparently; it’s the next Auto-Tune):

I was the guy that dabbled in soya milk, but now I’ve found out soya milk has enough estrogen for me to grow breasts, I had to put the soya milk down. It was a very confusing time.

Oooh, soy milk is so magical. Why, we once heard that this dude drank so much of it that once when he was peeing his penis just fell right off into the toilet. And those fancy Swiss sex-change operations? All a hoax. There’s no surgery. Men just go to soy clinics where they eat nothing but edamame and tofu all day and within weeks they grow fully functioning vaginas. That “pregnant man” that was all the rage with the Oprah set a while back? That wasn’t a woman who became a man; that was a dude who drank too much soy milk.

Bai Ling’s Cheetah Half-Breed Has a Taste for Nipples

Agent E. — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 16:12:20 +0000

We’re in love with celebrity pets. There are the ones that are essentially living jewelry, like every animal Paris Hilton has ever come in contact with. Then there are the endearing mutts who take an otherwise boring celebrity and make us think that they can’t be half bad with a cute companion like that, like Jennifer Aniston’s Norman. But Bai Ling just may have the best celebrity pet ever: a half cheetah, half house cat hybrid! How did someone get a house cat and a cheetah to breed? No clue. Did the cheetah have the house cat for a snack after the kitty coitus? Probably. But Bai possesses the progeny, and that progeny almost possessed Bai’s naked nipple! She said:

I sleep naked … She was kissing me, and suddenly, she woke up. She saw my nipple, and oh my God, she went for it. If I wasn’t fast, my nipple is gone. She thought it was a toy or something.

Can you blame the pussy? Bai Ling’s nipples are roughly the size of baby dicks. While Bai’s sleeping we’re betting they flail around like a snoozing pooch’s legs. How could a playful kitty not pounce?

CNW Junk Drawer: Nice Purple Rain Font

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 16:55:48 +0000

Adam Lambert’s album cover has been revealed and we seriously have no idea why people keep insisting this dude is gay. (Allie Is Wired)
Matthew Broderick flubbed his lines so badly at a recent play that audiences demanded their money back. Bomp bomp ohhhhhh yeeeeahhhh chicka chick ahhhh. (Celebitchy)
Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom got tattoos of each other’s initials because that’s what retards do. (Fatback)
There will be no charges filed in the Joe Francis/Brody Jenner/Jayde Nicole bar fight. The judge looked at the evidence and was like, “Yeah, these people are douches, fuck ‘em.” (Yeeeah!)
Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are probably dating, which is like the 2009 version of Victoria Principal and Andy Gibb. Swooon! (The Blemish)
Brittany Murphy mistook the sounds of a humming generator for gunfire and called the cops. I mistook her lips for an inflatable raft, boarded them, and sailed away to Honah Lee. (TMZ)
Dita Von Teese got tit implants after tripping balls on acid ruined hers. (Mr. Skin)
Happy 42nd birthday, Julia Roberts! Our present to you is posting candid shots of you in a bikini. (Egotastic)
Guess that celebrity camel toe! It’s more fun than Cootie! (Cityrag)
Charlize Theron answers to “Ass-Nuts”. Thanks for stealing my future baby name, dick. (E!)
This gif. (Oh No They Didn’t)
Gisele Bundchen’s baby bumpchen suddenly got yuge! (Daily Stab)

New Moon, Nice Bazooms

Agent E. — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:05:19 +0000

Let’s say you’ve been in a coma for 25 years. And you wake up and for some reason are presented with the magazine French Revue de Modes. Who knows why. Maybe your family fears that after all this time exposure to the current state of American culture will shock you back into vegetation. So instead of making you endure the latest bitch fight between Jon and Kate, they want to ease you back into the world. But their hope that seeing Ashley Greene’s cleavage in this fancy French publication will be your entry back into the real world backfires. Because you assume that Ashley is the new bitch on your favorite TV show and ask if you’ve missed the new episode of Dynasty while you were slumbering.

Victoria’s Secret Models Fight for Accidental-Nudity Domination

Agent E. — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:19:41 +0000

We love supermodels. They’re so pretty. And they’re so good at following orders. When a photographer says, “Take your top off, love,” (because photographers are classy and, therefore, British) it’s very likely that she’s going to do it. Hell, if she’s Kate Moss she probably won’t even wait for the photographer to ask. But even when they keep their clothes on, those clothes usually don’t cover very much. Today we’re bringing you a double shot of accidental Victoria’s Secret model skin. Miranda Kerr over there was so excited to be getting her pretty picture taken on top of a building that her nipple jumped clear out of her top. Then, as if to outdo her fellow lingerie donner, Marisa Miller flashed her whole ass while changing clothes for the new Victoria’s Secret catalog. So who wins? You, obviously. But also Marisa, because ass beats accidental nipple. But hopefully Miranda has a competitive streak and won’t take this loss well. Maybe then she’ll show up for the annual Victoria’s Secret fashion show wearing only garter belts. After the cut, Marisa Miller’s ass and Miranda Kerr’s nipple.

Lily Allen Goes Sienna Miller, Minus Sailor Hat and Balty

Agent E. — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:31:51 +0000

Supposedly Lily Allen has retired from music, even though the people who make money off of her music career would beg to differ. That’s sad and all, since the kids seem to like Lily and her love of the F word, but she still has a very lucrative second career to fall back on: exposing her nipples in public. How is it, you ask, that Lily will make money off of this fallback option? That we’re not sure. She’s not exactly the stripper type. She’d probably get fired for starting a bar brawl or something. But she’s creative. Maybe she could come up with something. Like a Where’s Waldo? type of book series. Where’s Lily Allen’s Nipple? would feature Lily Allen’s nipple among the greenery in Central Park, dining in a crowded mall food court, cheering in the audience of a U2 concert. It would surely be a bestseller. After the cut, you can find Lily Allen’s nipples (well, two of them at least) for yourself. It won’t be too difficult, as they’re right out there on a balcony.

Eva Amurri Is Generous; Nude

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 17:53:37 +0000

Californication stars the always interesting David Duchovny, which is good. Then again, every time we hear the show mentioned, we get the Red Hot Chili Peppers stuck in our heads. That is bad. Thus, our feelings towards the show were neutral until Eva Amurri came along and captured our hearts like a plucky red-haired orphan with a well-intentioned shaggy dog. A shaggy dog and enormous, stunning, pendulous, natural boobs the size of cannonballs. It’s a hard knocker life. Two mammos, two mammos, I love ya, two mammos. You’re never fully dressed without a bra. And etc.

Why yes, there are pictures after the cut, thanks for asking!

Eva, who gets her very comely assets from her equally enchanting mother, Susan Sarandon, has a few more weeks left in her Californication residency, so if you don’t watch, you’re pretty stupid. Oh, and don’t give us that “waahhh, I don’t have caaaaable” horse feathers. Every Monday, Mr Skin has the pics and clips up first FREE for 24 hours. The government might be giving you $8000 for buying a house, but Mr. Skin is giving you colossal yabbos. It’s up to you to search your soul and decide which you’d rather have.