WHICH hard-partying starlet has figured out a way to get high while wearing an alcohol-monitoring anklet? She was asking where she could score some Ecstasy at a Vegas club the other night.

Hmmm. "Alcohol-monitoring anklet"? Las Vegas? We don't know of anyone who was wearing such an accessory in that particular city last weekend. We are totally stumped.

We won't name any names, but we're pretty impressed that a certain rehabbing celeb has found a loophole in Promises' drug-testing policies: All she has to do is stick to completely passÈ drugs and they'll never be detected. After X loses its appeal, she'll move on to angel dust and goofballs. What a perfect plan. That, or she'll completely embrace rave culture and join a house band called NRV8 and start a clothing company that only designs psychedelic Cat in the Hat headgear.

Which high-impact TV star has bigger problems than just various friends and relations getting into hot water? Staff members on his upcoming series are concerned about this seemingly athletic performer's unlikely weight obsession. Not only do his onscreen antics cause other people to puke, but he does plenty of regurgitating on his own.

What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist?
HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup…

While it doesn't assault the eyes and mind with the verbal gymnastics of a Ted Casablancas, this ain't a bad first effort, especially "raisin face" and "lettucecup". But if we were Nicole, we would have taken–nay, relished–the opportunity to write "74-year-old" instead of "35", or whatever Ms. Zoe's true age might actually be.


Dive into Lake Nicole at MrSkin.com.

ï Bigger news than Santa arriving at the lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree: Victoria's Secret supermodels getting on their boob-shaped spacecraft and arriving on Earth after their long journey from Planet Jiggle.

ï Madonna wants to buy another baby as soon as possible. Perhaps it will be a Christmas gift for the other one.

ï Sure, Vida Guerra has a gargantuan tail. But did you know that she has boobs, too?

ï Nicole Richie has responded to PageSix's insinuation that SOMEONE had reverse gastric bypass in her MySpace blog. The lady doth protest too much.

ï Is Kirsten Dunst sinking her vampiric meth mouth baby teeth into rodentlike eunuch Orlando Bloom? And will their hypothetical babies be weaselly nutless bloodsuckers?

ï Paris Hilton's ass looks less flapjacky from the back. But don't they all, really? When it comes right down to it, aren't they all less flapjacky from the back? Deep.

ï Jenny Love Hewitt might be all chaste and crap, but she will still wear a small strip of fabric nestled lovingly betwixt her buttocks.

ï Lesbian Week continues: Joan Jett and Carmen Electra love rock n' roll. Joan mighta put another dime in Carmen's juicebox, baby.

ï No, as a matter of fact, we haven't actually seen Ron Jeremy and Super Mario in the same room together. Luigi, though, sure.

Which young Hollywood starlet had secret gastric bypass surgery, but then lost too much weight? During a recent four-day stint at a health clinic, she was actually having an operation to remove the bypass.

Damn you, New York Post! Why must you be so vague? Why couldn't you add some specific details so we could figure out this inpenetrable riddle?


Why are we linking to Nicole Richie at MrSkin.com here? Oh, no reason.

"The masseuse, 34, told an industrial tribunal she felt 'abused' by the actor's actions. She said: 'It was disgusting and, even though he was a Hollywood superstar, I couldn't believe he thought he could get away with something like that. He abused me and I considered that a criminal act.'

The woman told the Dundee tribunal she had given the actor a massage the day before during which he had touched her back.

She said: 'The next day he came back and asked how I was. He asked if he made me uncomfortable by touching me, but I said no, I was a professional and you have to learn to deal with difficult clients. I asked him how he liked his massage and he said he liked it sweet. I thought it a strange term to describe a massage. He asked me if I was comfortable touching him everywhere and I said no. Throughout the massage, he kept putting his hand underneath his towel but he never kept it there long enough for me to suspect anything. Then I moved to the top of his body to massage his head.'

She told the tribunal the actor grabbed her wrist forcefully, whipped off his towel, exposed himself and performed the sex act.

The woman said she left the room but a colleague went inside and saw what had happened."

After finishing up your dry heaves and wiping your mouth on the back of your hand, you are almost certainly asking yourself, "So. How do you know that the jerker in question is Costner?" Rush and Molloy, friends. Rush and Molloy. Apparently, Costner's people have released a statement after several blogs fingered Costner (ew) as the perp. Says his spokesman:

"We find it unfortunate that Mr. Costner's name has been brought into what is essentially a dispute between a company owned by a good friend of his and a former employee ó and that it would tarnish what was a wonderful time spent at this resort with his wife."

A friend of Costner contended, "He's being set up. I think this woman's lawyer is using his name to put pressure on his friend to settle."

That's it. They're all out to get him. They're all out to get him, and those barrels of Waterworld residuals.

See Pics of Kevin are at MaleStars.com . . . if you DARE!!!

And speaking of "horsey", this starlet is notorious for holding up filming on her productions. She spends an awful lot of time hiding out in her trailer, but the reason might not exactly be her rumored narcotics problem. Need a clue? Well, it seems that she might be abusing a substance of a different sort–laxatives. Not very glamorous, but while cast and crew wait on set, she's busy dropping many a deuce in her bathroom.


Hint #1: It's NOT Denise Richards, but go and gaze upon her at Mrskin.com.

Hint #2: The second story ain't about Lindsay Lohan, but of course she's also at Mrskin.com.

Hint: it's NOT Shanna Moakler. (But you can still see pretty naked pictures of her at MrSkin.com.)