CelebNewsWire» BeyoncÈ Knowles Archives – CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: Goose Egg

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:00:55 +0000

Rihanna has a big lump on her head. So she either went back to Chris “Doo Doo” Brown or she’s growing horns. The latter is more believable. (Gone Hollywood)
Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima gives birth to baby girl; is probably not a virgin anymore. (PopEater)
Victoria’s Secret model Shannan Click naked. Totally, truly, NSFW naked naked. It’s pretty funny that a model has the last name “Click”. That would be like a dentist named Dr. Bzzzzzrrrrt or CelebNewsWire’s last name being a fart sound. (Yeeeah!)
Beyonce upskirt, but she’s got underwear on so don’t get too jazzed or nuthin. (Cityrag)
New Moon star Noot Seear nude. Which makes you a Nood Seer. Haw! (Nudography)
Ashley Tisdale wears a bikini. Also, I got a splinter yesterday. It hurt! (CelebSlam)
Lily Allen has a secret half sister! Dun dun DUN! (Anything Hollywood)
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Get On Your Bikes and Ride

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 16:59:45 +0000

Beyonce Knowles, you make the rockin’ world go ’round.

CNW Junk Drawer: Still Big

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 21 May 2008 17:35:52 +0000

Jessica Simpson gives herself a breast exam. “Are they still big? Yep. Yep. Still big.” (Egotastic)
Hey, ladies. Hold on to your panties and your cocktails, because Kiefer Sutherland is single! (Derek Hail)
Tina Turner says that BeyoncÈ will never be rock n’ roll. Oh yeah? Well guess what, Tina? You’ll never be polka! Eat that! (Female First)
Shania Twain has learned an important lesson: don’t marry a straw-haired producer of bombastic rock music and live in seclusion in Europe lest straw-haired producer runs off with the manager of your Swiss chateau. Oh, that’s a story as old as the hills. When will they ever learn? (Hollywire)
Every part of Kristen Bell is adorable. Up to and including her wee booty. (The Blemish)
The Hills’s Whitney Port becomes Titney Port when she slipples nipple. (Drunken Stepfather)
And speaking of Hills douches, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt get fingered. (Allie Is Wired)
Ten Toys that Made You Gay. (Cityrag)
Joss Stone explores another girl’s dental work. With her tongue. (I Don’t Like You In That Way)
Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively cavorts on beach with Penn Badgley. And one of them is wearing a bikini, but we won’t spoil it and tell you which! (F-Listed)

BoobyoncÈ Flashes on Stage

Agent E. — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 17:55:28 +0000

It may have taken her months and months to come to this realization, but BeyoncÈ has finally figured out how to sell her ass ugly House of Dereon stripper clothes: show how conducive they are to major wardrobe malfunctions and hope that desperate guys start buying up the entire line and gifting every hot girl they see on the street. We thought this was pretty much a failsafe plan, but then we actually looked at the clothes. And unless those things are laced with a super powerful pheromone that’s proven to attract gorgeous millionaire sex gods who love to buy their ladies flowers and rub their feet, ain’t no girl wearing ‘em. Except BeyoncÈ. And her exposed boobies. Which you can see below thanks to MediaTakeOut and their helpful use of slow motion. Although we’re pretty sure that if you can make out anything more than bouncing, generic flesh surrounded by pixelated boxes of blurry, washed-out beige, you should put your talents to use with a high-paying job with the CIA spotting camouflaged snipers hidden in trees a thousand feet away.

Beyoncè Fall Down Go Boom

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 17:30:01 +0000

It was bound to happen. BeyoncÈ finally learns the limits of equilibrium vs. taking it one weave-flagellation over the line.

UPDATE: well, crap. The video’s been removed from YouTube due to “copyright infringement”. Can you copyright a cruddy cameraphone video? Anyway, you shoulda seen it. It was real funny.

CNW Junk Drawer: Chokin' 9 to 5

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 05 Dec 2006 17:33:39 +0000

Rip Torn got ripped. And then he drove. And then he got arrested. And became the subject of the foxiest mug shot since Nick Nolte’s.
Sophie Marceau showing nipples is much more interesting than Marcel Marceau . . . miming . . . nipples. Or something.
Scarlett Johansson is not opposed to doing nudity. What a coincidence! We are also not opposed to Scarlett Johansson doing nudity.
Jessica Simpson choked on the words to “9 to 5″ during the Kennedy Center Honors. Afterwards, Violet, Judy, and Doralee got back at her by replacing her Skinny and Sweet with rat poison.
Even unapologetic porn stars don’t want to be associated with K-Fed’s dong.
Will BeyoncÈ become Mrs. J-Hova next weekend?
Pete Doherty, drugs, court, etc. Move to England! The streets are paved with scag and syringes and the people all drink tea laced with ecstasy and even if you get arrested, the powderedly bewigged court dudes just give you a hug and bullet of coke and send you on your way.
Jennifer Garner’s body fucking sucks.
Once again, PageSix spins the labyrinthine web of confusion that is their truly inpenetrable blind items. Who can it beeee now?

CNW Junk Drawer: Special Evening Gown Edition

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 15 Feb 2006 17:43:59 +0000

Mariah Carey ensures that she will never receive a free Chanel dress ever again.
Why, hello, M&Ms stuck in Jennifer Lopez’s dress. Nice to see you.
Speaking of small round candies and boobs . . .
Beyonce once jiggled her jelly so damn hard that her entire dress fell off. Guess she didn’t see that ragtag group of young men with oversized novelty magnets who sewed her garment with metal thread.
Lindsay Lohan dresses up as Diane Keaton, Liza Minnelli, and Liz Taylor. Gay male plotzing TK.
Tom Sizemore has been sent back to rehab. Also, the sun rose today.
Ya can’t shine shit: MK and Ashley Olsen are all gussied up and shilling for Badgley Mischka. Funny how chimpanzees in $5,000 frocks are still chimpanzees.
Britney took her baby Sean to the emergency room because he was constipated. Now, we’re no Dr. Spock or nuthin’, but maybe, just maybe, if she stopped giving him tubes of nacho bacon E-Z Cheez in lieu of bottles, this wouldn’t happen.
And maybe Brit should lay off the aerosol delicacies herself.
Poor Nikki Cox learns that when you agree to marry a professional guest star, you lose your livelihood. And your breasts.
PETA activists threw flour on Paris Hilton as she entered a London fashion week party. They then battered and deep-fried her and enjoyed her with some honey BBQ dippin’ sauce. Just kidding, that’s not vegan.