CelebNewsWire» awards shows Archives – CelebNewsWire

Boring Emmys Bring Booming Boobies

Agent E. — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 15:46:57 +0000

First of all, we must say that we’re not a fan of these back-to-back awards ceremonies. We haven’t even seen the Us Weekly VMA fashion roundup yet, and already the Emmys are over. We need a little more time to recover from rich and famous people getting big shiny statues. But no matter, the Emmys were last night. And we stayed awake for the whole thing! Yay! Usually that wouldn’t be such an accomplishment, but man, were they boring. Here’s a brilliant idea: Let’s take all the crappy awards that no one cares about, which are generally most of the reality and variety categories and all of the mini-series/TV movie categories, and put them all in the middle, one after another. And sure, they threw Ricky Gervais in there to try to liven things up, but that didn’t help us forget that we were watching acceptance speeches for someone who had something to do with Little Dorrit. Oooh, Dickens adaptations. A clear ratings grabber. Usually when the awards show is a snooze, we focus on the fashion, but even that was pretty uninteresting this year. But luckily there were boobies to look at. Most of the ladies seemed to stuff them deep into satin and taffeta and not let them out all night, but there were a few saviors. Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks has enough funbag flesh to supply at least 38% of Hollywood if a shortage ever occurs, but there was also Anna Torv. She’s on some show. Tassel? No no, it’s called Fringe. We’ve never seen it. The ads always seem to have her in dowdy suits, so that could explain it. But even better than Anna was Blake Lively. We’re thinking that next year Blake’s boobs should host the Emmys. No one would dare change the channel, and they wouldn’t even need a script. They could just jiggle a bit and everyone would be mesmerized. They even got us to do some deep soul searching. What were we searching for? An explanation for how those things can be so perfect and gravity defying. Are they fakies? Or is Blake just an incredibly blessed 22-year-old? This is meaning-of-life type shit and we must know the answer.

Oh right, you probably want to know who the winners are. In case you were doing something more exciting last night, like tending to your bunions.

We live tweeted the awards to stave off sleep. If you followed us on Twitter, you would have known that.

WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LET HER BE GREAT?

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 15:51:30 +0000

Last night, we watched the VMA awards. Also fondly known as The MySpace Grammies. Lots of crazy things happened! Pink lipsynched while flipping around on a trapeze wearing a jester costume and a tit sticker. Lil Mama rushed the stage during Jay-Z’s performance. Eminem didn’t seem to get mad at any puppets or testicles. Russell Brand got flabby and said “Kristen Ca-VALERIE”. Lady Gaga arrived with Kermit the Frog, changed her outfit eight times, and bled from her chits onstage. But the most notable thing was that Kanye West pulled down his pants and made B.M. all over Taylor Swift’s teenage dreams when he stormed the stage during her acceptance speech for Best Female Video.

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Later, Beyonce won the award for Video of the Year and invited Taylor Swift onstage to “have her moment”. And Kanye was asked to leave the building, did so, and then wrote a caps lock apology on his blog, which he’s since taken down. We’re skeptics and frankly we’re not sure if the whole thing was a stunt in the vein of Eminem-Bruno’s nuts, but as a possible explanation, Kanye was seen stumbling around with a bottle of Hennessy before the incident. God, he is just such a badass! So in my face. You can tell by the fact that he is wearing sunglasses indoors and has one flap of his leather chemise tucked and one untucked. Society just can’t rein him in!

We live-Tweeted that shit. Follow us! Please?

Dane Cook is Such an Iconoclast

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 16:29:34 +0000

Dane Cook looks like Ryan Reynolds, talks like a hyperactive frat pledge, and smells like Aqua di Gio and pomade. And stars like Vanessa Hudgens and her naked pictures better step, because he’s totally got your number. Dude made fun of her at the Teen Choice Awards and although the joke got cut (see the unedited version below), Dane’s not saying sorry. IMDb reports:

Dane Cook has refused to apologise for poking fun at Vanessa Hudgens’ nude photo scandal at the Teen Choice Awards in Los Angeles on Sunday.

The comedian was booed by the hundreds of young fans at the ceremony as he presented the Choice Hottie prizes by quipping, “Vanessa Hudgens, girl, you got to keep your clothes on! Phones are for phone calls, girl!”

But after the show . . . he told Access Hollywood, “I planned it about 20 minutes before I went out there. (I said it) because I like to be on the cusp of fear. Mostly I just wanted it to be funny. That’s the best part about being a comic, when you go, ‘Maybe I can say the thing that everybody is kind of feeling and nobody (is saying).’ The elephant-in-the-room (awkward) moment. So, I’ll take it, I’ll take the hit. It’s okay.”

Wow, this guy is so in my face. But hey, that’s the life of a renegade comic. Lenny Bruce was out there breaking barriers and getting arrested and George Carlin was challenging censorship and now we have renegades like Dane Cook calling out the titties of the star of Disney’s BandSlam. He’s just too real, man. He’s just too real.

Be as completely awesome as Dane and be our fan on Facebook.

Miley Cyrus Is Very Age Appropriate

Agent E. — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 15:50:36 +0000

Yesterday we were contemplating the horrid life that must befall the children of Juggalos and Juggalettes. As we scrolled through Derek Erdman’s horrifying photos from last weekend’s Gathering of the Juggalos, all we could think of were the unwilling participants. Faygo in the baby bottles, meth mixed in with the strained peas, all the rashes from that shitty makeup. But really, once those kids are placed in foster homes, they’re not likely to remember what could have become of their lives, so no harm, right? Miley Cyrus, though, she doesn’t have it so good. Sure, she’s a world-famous celebrity with wads of cash, but at what price? At Sunday’s Teen Choice Awards, Miley did a little greasing of the pole. The stripper pole. For an audience full of tweens. Now we know that sixteen isn’t exactly an innocent age, but with Miley this shit is just creepy. Mostly because we can see the pre-show planning session. A Fox exec starts talking about a Forever 21 tie-in, with Miley wearing some leggings and a slouchy tee, and the set could be decorated like a candy store, with giant lollipops and a fluffy cotton candy floor. Then Billy Ray breaks in and is all like, “No, we need something more edgy. I think Miley should wear some La Perla lingerie and recreate Jessica Biel’s strip routine from Powder Blue. She’s so hot right now.”

We’ve already used the word tweens, so we might as well say tweet too. Read our tweets! They’re on the Twitter.

CNW Junk Drawer: Two in the Pinkett, One in the Stinkett

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 17:55:52 +0000

Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith claim that they porked in the car on the way to the Oscars. Billy Bob/Angelina Jolie wannabes, all. (The Blemish)
Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson lesbian parody porno. 1 Night in Lilo? (Drunken Stepfather)
Crank THAT, Soulja Boy. Is that a Mr. Microphone in his drawers? Faker. (Yeeeah!)
The actual video of Michael Jackson’s hair catching on fire in 1984. Dude just keeps dancing! (Daily Stab)
Annnnnnd here are some horrifying photos of MJ’s legs in 2002 with some sort of seeping wound. They say it’s from drug use, we think it looks like a bite from a brown recluse spider. Which is funny because MJ was a white recluse. Haw! (Celebitchy)
Stop! Emmy time! Here’s the full list of nominees. (PopCrunch)
Amy Winehouse is divorced! Farewell, Blake Fielder-Civil. Go hang out with Riley Giles, Stamos Nachos and Paris Latsis. (Allie Is Wired)
Renee Zellweger set to hit the Ho-Hos for a third Bridget Jones movie. (Anything Hollywood)

Will.i.am gives Perez Some Lumps, Some Lumps Some Lumps Some Lumps

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 16:45:15 +0000

When you see the headline "Blogger Attacked By Member of Black Eyed Peas", you may assume that your good pals at CNW got pissed upon by Fergie. Good guess, but wrong. As much as it pains us to write a story about fame-ravenous bloat-bag Perez Hilton, this is too goofy to ignore. Dude claims that last night, will.i.am beat the tar out of him after the Much Music Awards in Canada. TMZ says:

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton is accusing Black Eyed Peas frontman Will.I.Am of assault — but we've learned cops have targeted someone else.

But cops in Toronto tell us it was the general manager of the Black Eyed Peas — Polo Molina — who is under investigation and he turned himself in to police early this morning.

It is worth noting that after this alleged brutal assault rendering Hilton bloody and injured, he called 911 immediately. Haha, just joshing you. He Twittered it.

– I'm in shock. I need the police ASAP. Please come to the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel now. Please.about 5 hours ago from Sidekick

– I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke. — about 5 hours ago from Sidekick

– Still waiting for the police. The bleeding has stopped. I need to document this. Please, can the police come to the SoHo Met Hotel. — about 5 hours ago from Sidekick

– I spoke to my lawyer. I really need to talk to the authorities. Please come to the SoHo Met Hotel. Have called the police. Need them here. — about 5 hours ago from Sidekick

– The Toronto police are here now. Thank you. Please stop calling them. — about 5 hours ago from Sidekick

– Thank u all from the bottom of my heart for ur concern. The police are investigating the assault now. I did the right thing by reporting it. — about 3 hours ago from web

It's awesome that technology has advanced so much that the youth of America now has no idea how to pick up a phone and call the police or an ambulance. Go steal a 20-year-old's wallet and he'll frantically Tweet it, write on Tumblr about it, make a Facebook quiz about it, and then get pissed off that the cops didn't file a report because they don't subscribe to his RSS feed.

"C.C., Pick Up That Guitar and OW, My Skull"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 18:33:47 +0000

Before we get into this video clip, can someone please tell us why Bret Michaels and Poison were performing at the Tony Awards? Is there a Rock of Love musical we don't know about? (Actually, that's a fairly amazing idea. Complicated dance schemes involving throwing the devil's horns. A chorus line of skanks in bikinis. "Unskinny Bop" belted out as the heart-tugging centerpiece.) We don't have the answer, but for some reason, C.C. Deville teased his hair and Bret troweled on an extra layer of bronzer to mime playing "Nothing But a Good Time" last night. And as they pretended to rock out on the last note, a giant set thingie came down and appeared to chop off Bret's head. Most likely it was just his cowboy hat but we do like to envision his head, lips still pursed and extensions still flowing, rolling across the stage into Heather's waiting arms.

Welcome Back, Sugar Tits

Agent E. — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 17:23:13 +0000

And in lesser awards-show news, that frat-boy channel you've never watched, you know, the one that plays Fletch every Saturday afternoon, gave some statues away this weekend as well. But we're a little bit confused by Spike TV's Guy Choice Awards, as it seems that Brad Pitt won an award for Fight Club, which is too old to win actual awards, but not yet old enough to win those ass-kissing lifetime achievement awards. Maybe this will become a trend in awards shows. Next year's crop of Golden Globes will honor the greatest achievements in the film and television output of 2005. Anyway, the award was presented to Brad by recent impregnator Mel Gibson, who was greeted with a "Thanks, sugar tits" as Brad took the stage. We think this is a grave, grave mistake on Brad's part. Brad isn't dealing with Mel of old, who would just slur a lot and spittle some Jim Beam in his face. He's hooked up with a Russian now. And multiple episodes of 24 have taught us that you don't fuck with the Russians. They'll call up an underling on a supposedly secure line and bark orders in a scary accent about "employing the GPI device" and then we're all dead. Is that what you want, Brad? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

CNW Tween Day Continues

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 16:52:10 +0000

This morning, everyone over the age of 15 is jawing about Sacha Baron Cohen's ballbag on Eminem's forehead. And everyone 15 and under? All they care about is ZOMG NEW MOON TRAILER!!!!! RPATTZ N K-STEW TLA!!!!! CULLENZZZ!!!! TEAM EDWARD LION AND LAMB ABSTINENCE!!!!111 Despite the fact that the movie has only been filming for, like, two days, they somehow cobbled together an extended HD trailer that goes a little like this: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart give each other longing looks in the dark, K-Stew gets a papercut that is somehow deep enough to allow blood to pour out of her finger like a spigot, she curls up in the woods, and then Taylor Lautner turns into a Thundercat in mid-air. Seriously, if you're going to rush a trailer, at least try to make the CGI look somewhat presentable. I've doodled more realistic-looking wolves on the cover of my pre-calc notebook under the Slayer logo.

Nuts to the Face

Agent E. — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 16:45:03 +0000

In case you’re not thirteen and didn’t watch the MTV Movie Awards last night, here’s a recap: Twilight, Twilight, Twilight, Bruno’s naked ass in Eminem’s face, and then some more Twilight. There were some awards in there, but basically it was a two-hour Twilight commercial. All we can say is, whoever’s in charge of cleaning up after the awards, pay special attention to the section housing all the tween girls, because you might need a hell of a lot of upholstery cleaner. And then there was Sacha Baron Cohen’s naked nutsack resting directly in front of Eminem’s face. Whether it’s a setup or not, the thought of Bruno’s ball sweat wafting its bouquet into Eminem’s nostrils is damn funny. Oh, and speaking of asses, here’s a pretty picture of Leighton Meester showing off hers in a slightly see-through dress. Way to step up to the plate of hotness, Leigh, seeing as Megan Fox totally failed on that front:

What is this look, exactly? Gladiator alien Russian Transvestite Prostitute wrapped in the wallpaper from Auntie Mame’s parlor?

As a final thought, we’d like to point out a very dangerous decision on MTV’s part. We know that those awards statues are supposed to fun, resembling a tub of movie-theater popcorn as they do, but think about it, MTV: You’re giving awards to Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. Just think of the late-night dentist calls when they get the munchies and try to gnaw on those gold kernels.

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