CelebNewsWire» Avril Lavigne Archives – CelebNewsWire

Avril Lavigne Unnecessarily Resurrects Wilmer Valderrama

Agent E. — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 17:48:18 +0000

There are some celebrity ex-boyfriends that we desperately want to return to the spotlight. Day after day we gaze upon the picture of Stamos Nachos that we cut from an old issue of Us Weekly and tacked up next to our computer and we lament, “Oh, Nachos, when will you ever return to us, our love?” And once in a while we hear rumblings of his continued existence. Lindsay Lohan will be seen slinking out of his house at 6 A.M. But it’s never enough. We want his full cheesy, ooey, gooey goodness back in our lives. But then there are other celebrity ex-boyfriends that we pray will never return. So thanks, thanks a lot, Avril Lavigne, for making us type the name Wilmer Valderrama once again. Were you really that hard up? Really? A source told Life & Style:

They have been friends since working together on Fast Food Nation in 2005, but things heated up last month. One of their first dates was Oct. 29 at Nobu in West Hollywood. She had her hand on his knee and they were whispering in each other’s ear, laughing. They even closed the club, sneaking out just after 2.

Yesterday we saw the return of Brandon Davis, and now this? Who’s next, Riley Giles?

Why’d Ya Have to Go and Make Things So Separated

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 16:01:47 +0000

He was a boi. She was a girl. Then they got divorced. Could I make it any more obvious? After months of speculation, plucky towheaded Canadian Avril Lavigne has put the kibosh on her marriage to Sum 41 singer/main gnome Deryck Whibley. Us Weekly reports:

After three years of marriage, Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley have split.

“She dumped him and told him she was leaving him. She wants to move on,” a source tells the new Us Weekly adding that Lavigne, 25, forced him out of their $9.5 million, 12,000-square-foot estate in L.A.’s Bel Air. ”Divorce papers will be filed any day now.

Whibley, 29, “is crushed,” adds another insider.

And now we brace for the upcoming division of assets. Who will retain custody of Deryck’s superfluous consonants? Stay tuned.

CNW Junk Drawer: Minka Jeter. Minka Jeter. Minka Jeter.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 16:24:20 +0000

Derek Jeter makes 500 trillion dollars a year and now he’s going to marry Minka Kelly. And you guys don’t want Socialism? (Yeeeah!)
Jennifer Aniston nips out for Elle. Fashionably sharp, old girl. (CityRag)
Even Anderson Cooper can’t hide the vitriol when it comes to indulging Heidi Montag’s poppycockery. (Gone Hollywood)
Gerard Butler slapped a dog. And he liked it. The taste of its treat-tinged dog spit. (The Blemish)
Kirsten Dunst has been sinking her fangs into several 12-packs of Stroh’s. (Fatback)
Constipated and sober? Kill two birds with one stone with a beer bong in your butt! Dunst, take notes. (College Candy)
Miranda Kerr goes blonde; gets paid to hold a bottle and stand around. (CelebSlam)
Megan Fox as Catwoman? Naw, it’s just a rumor. Still, feel free to make that inevitable “pussy” joke here, if you are so inclined. (Anything Hollywood)
Britney Spears and Russell Brand VMA Awards promo video. We didn’t watch it. Why not? Just we’re just that fuckin’ cool. (Amy Grindhouse)
It sounds as if Avril Lavigne will soon be divorcing her troll-like Canadian husband, and he’ll be free to live under bridges and torment the Billy Goats Gruff once again. (Celebrity Mound)
Something for the ladies: Robert Pattinson shower curtain. Because there’s nothing like the glower of a handsome vampire bearing down on you when you’re washing your ass crack. (Allie Is Wired)

Avril's Ample Apples

Agent E. — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 17:29:46 +0000

Aw, isn't that cute. Avril Lavigne, noticing that she's quickly losing relevance and the fake punks would much rather follow crabcore than girly pop punk, tries to catch our attention with her boobs. Whatever works.

Paris Hilton Finds a New Victim Friend

Agent E. — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 17:01:24 +0000

Paris Hilton has a very short attention span. While she tried to overcome this fault by getting faux punk cooties from Benji Madden, a girl's got to roam. Roam right into the ooey, gooey, cheesy arms of Stamos Nachos. And now that Paris is free to party as she pleases, she's taken another young blonde pop tart into her metaphorical vaginal folds for some much needed guidance. Guidance that will likely include gems like "Panties are for prudes" and "Don't sleep with that guy; he has crabs (itches crotch)." We think it's highly unlikely that Avril Lavigne will repeat Britney's Cooter Fest '06, even if she has split from her Canuck mall punk husband, but who knows. Maybe Avril's carefully orchestrated "Fuck all you norms, I'm an individual" attitude paired with Paris's powers of coercion and love of wide open beavers will collide into a nice repeat performance. But Avril will have to try really, really hard if she wants to upstage Britney. Maybe some exposed anus would do the trick. Or maybe a not-quite-developed set of cock and balls.

See Paris Hilton nude at MrSkin.com.

You can get a load of Avril Lavigne's ass crack too.

Today Is the Greatest Day She's Ever Known

Agent E. — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 19:58:44 +0000

We know that Canadians are a bit behind the times, fashion-wise, but this is ridiculous. The Doc Martens? The wallet chain? The Manic Panic stripe in her hair? My God, Avril Lavigne thinks it's 1993! We bet she's rocking a Walkman with a sweet mix of Smashing Pumpkins, The Breeders, Dinosaur Jr., and Porno for Pyros. We just got around to the Hypercolor revival; shouldn't alterna-grunge still be a few years off?

Dive into Avril Lavigne's nude butt crack at MrSkin.com.

Avril Lavigne's Husband Earns Keep with Hearty Public Breast Massage

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 17:59:48 +0000

Here we see Avril Lavigne picnicking in the park with her trusty gnome, Nibbles. Not only does Nibbles cobble shoes, make mischief in a glen, and play in the Canadian pop-punk band Sum 41, he is also employed to keep his mistress Avril happy and relaxed. He does this through the art of gnome massage, doffing his traditional gnome dress of pointed hat and curled-toe shoes in order to better rub his hands all over Avril's boobs. Later, he moves the massage therapy to her butt and buries his pugilistic gnome nose into her bosom. Ah, a tender moment between a girl and her gnome. Not pictured but implied: gnome-to-human sex amongst the toadstools.

(pics via Drunken Stepfather)

Avril says yes to crack at MrSkin.com.

Avril Lavigne's T8r Tots in a Bikini

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 17:59:48 +0000

Huh. It doesn't look like Avril Lavigne is too terribly pregnant here. It does, however, look like she's smuggling some surprisingly globular and impressively sizeable blammos inside that bikini of hers. And the paint-on hair streaks that perfectly match the swimwear? Genius. Simply genius. Giant breasts, pink hair stripes, scanty togs. Cut off Avril's nose and make her head swell a little and it's like you're watching the Bratz movie. Taking an attractive, famous, barely-clad young lady and turning it around to talk about toys for prepubescent girls. That's why they call us "The Sexymaker". Actually, they call us "Chief Drinks-Own-Urine" but that's more of a formal title. You know, for meetings with heads of state and such and such.

There are even more Avrilkini pics at Egotastic!

Say yes to Avril's crack at MrSkin.com.

Magical Preg Juice Spreads from Hollywood to Canada

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 17:42:31 +0000

According to celebrity Canadian blog (there are Canadian celebrities? Besides Rick Moranis, we mean) Is This Happening, ill-tempered Canuck singer Avril Lavigne is expecting a little sk8r boi or grrl:

Wow!! Must be that time of the year for babies!! Isthishappening.com has learned exclusively that Canadian singer, Avril Lavigne is pregnant!! You heard it here first folks!! Our insider reports that Avril is a month and a half pregnant and that her husband, Deryck Whibley has been telling all his friends that he's excited to be a father…

Excellent. Since Christina Aguilera is due to give birth to a half human/half monkey man hybrid shortly, her offspring will be in dire need of a half human-half troll man playmate. They can live together under a bridge and wait for the Billy Goats Gruff to trip-trap overhead, then they will eat bananas and climb to the top of the Empire State Building.

Halloween Hooker Wrap-Up: A Bunch of Tricks

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 17:59:16 +0000

Paris went for the natural look for Halloween. I.e., she's in her natural state. I.e. coated in white seamen.

After the cut, eyeball more Paris and other celebrity "slutty _____" costumes!

The contacts are very reminiscent of Paris's night vision eyes from 1 Night in Paris, adding another angle to her already slightly salacious costume. Another angle:

Great, now the Cheshire Cat has genital herpes and the Mad Hatter has a wang rash. Now we know what Lewis Carroll was warning us about in Jabberwocky when he told us to beware "the frumious Bandersnatch".

2. Speaking of ho-ish Hiltons, here's sister Nicky en route to a party:

It took us a good long ten minutes of deep introspection and head-scratching to figure out that Nicky was not a slutty gas station attendant, but a slutty Girl Scout. Slutty Girl Scout? Capital idea. Almost as good as "slutty fetal alcohol syndrome baby" or "slutty Elle Fanning".

3. Finally, here's lovely young Avril Lavigne.

What the hell is this? Slutty Checkers waitress? Slutty Nascar fan? Slutty Nascar fan mixed with a slutty French maid? With a slutty Natalie Portman in Closer wig? And slutty . . . 1994 boots that Jane Lane from Daria would have worn? What?

More Paris ho-age is laid bare at MrSkin.com.

And Avril, too.

And yes, even Nicky.