Robert Pattinson is as creepy as his fictional blood-lusting counterpart; sends Kristen Stewart 400 texts a month. (Celebitchy)

• Ashley Olsen in her underwear. Hey, don’t look at us. You were the one with the Olsen Twins Countdown to Legality calendar on your computer for years, nerd. (Cityrag)

• Getting down to the wire here! Mr Skin’s Top 100 Celebrity Nude Scenes: numbers 20 through 11. (Mr Skin)

• Cindy Crawford in a bikini. You liked it in 1992, and you’ll like it just as much in 2009. She must be drinking out of Brangelina’s sex grotto. (The Blemish)

• Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore almost crashed on a plane; live to Twitter again. (Anything Hollywood)

• Tiger Woods cut the cheese!!! (Gone Hollywood)

• Jessica Simpson enjoys a quaff or twelve at her hairdo dude’s birthday party. (Amy Grindhouse)

• 5 Movies John Hughes will be remembered fer. (Jezebel)

• Milla Jovovich collects knives. How Angelina 1998. (Daily Stab)

Lindsay Lohan gets feisty when it comes to gal pal Sam Ronson. The two spent the weekend partying at the Beatrice Inn on Friday and Hawaiian Tropic Zone on Saturday, where Ronson was spinning, but Lohan didn't like all the attention Ronson was getting. "Ashley Olsen said hello to Sam at the Beatrice, and Lindsay screamed at her, 'Get your 15-year-old 'Full House' a – - away from my girlfriend,' " said our spy. Saturday, Lohan said Ronson "was ignoring her" and became upset. "Samantha was really focused on her work and didn't leave the booth for anything," said our spy. Lindsay is so into her pal, she's even created a Facebook profile under "Lindsay Ronson."

We don't mean to be nitpicky or anything, but Ashley Olsen is actually about two and half weeks OLDER than Lindsay, so suck on that, Lindy Loho. Who's laughing now, huh? Is it you, little itty bitty baby, or is it your older, wiser, trollier nemesis? We're thinking it's Ashley. She did make about elevnty billion dollars when she was like four and never has to work again if she doesn't want to, while Lindsay will soon enough be begging for a part in Femalien III: Femalien Meets Shemalien.

Oh, and surprise, surprise, Linds has welcomed a dear old friend back into her bosom. A dear old friend named vodka.


Lindsay Lindsay Lindsay at MrSkin.com.

ï Kate Beckinsale does Anna Karina for Mean magazine. Eat your tits out, Lohan-as-Marilyn! (Popbytes)

ï Kate Moss models. She doesn't model clothes, though, since it seems she's not wearing any. (Egotastic!)

ï Mischa Barton's recent DUI charges haven't affected the buoyant spirits of her side boob much. (Taxi Driver)

ï Star Jones is set to divorce husband Al Reynolds, because she "felt Al had spent their marriage riding her success while she did all the heavy lifting". Either that, or Al spent their marriage riding hot, oiled-up dudes who look like they do a lot of heavy lifting. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Some yahoo called 911 on Heather Locklear and told them she was going to kill herself. Denise Richards, you prankster. (CelebWarship)

ï Heath Ledger never updated his will to include Michelle Williams or baby Matilda. (Celebridiot)

ï Button, button, who's got the button? Patricia Heaton sure doesn't. WTF? (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Jenna Jameson dresses up as Bettie Page for PETA. "I'd rather get donkey-punched after ATM than wear fur!" makes for a pleasant catchphrase. (The Blemish)

ï Janet Jackson has been hospitalized with the flu. Much more plausible than "Exhaustion", to be sure. (I'm Not Obsessed)

ï Rebecca Romijn's lettuce heads. They're ripe, they're healthy, they're shilling for mall-slut store Bebe! (Popoholic)

One of the part-eunuch biker's young daughters (he has twins) had the honor of taking a more realistic (though slightly less boobtastic) Barbie to her class for observation. Yes, daddy's lady love Ashley Olsen was recently shown and told about at the young girl's Texas school. "Celebrities do this all the time," the source said.

We can only imagine what kind of questions these adorable little moppets asked the one-time Full House star. She most likely had to go through her entire repertoire of tricks, impishly shouting "You got it, dude!" and "I'm sowwy, Uncle Jesse" before answering things like "Why do you brush your hair with a shoe?" and "You look like the man who lives under the underpass near my grandma's house" and "how come the roll-on body glitter from your makeup line turned my face into one big hive?"

ODD couple alert: Ashley Olsen has a new, older man. The 21-year-old twin showed up to the Rose Bar at the Gramercy Park Hotel Monday night with Tory Burch's ex, Lance Armstrong, 36. Our bar spy said, "They came together with a group of friends. Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m." Armstrong has been spending more time in town since he bought a home here. Another source said, "He tried to make Tory happy when they were dating by buying a place here, but she couldn't deal with him not actually living in the same city, so they broke up." Olsen's rep didn't return calls.

And The New York Daily News corroborates:

Maybe Ashley Olsen just wanted some tips on how to wear spandex well. The pint-size starlet was seen nuzzling up to Lance Armstrong on Monday night at Rose Bar. The duo arrived together just after midnight, and Ashley stopped to get a hug from a sober Owen Wilson, who "looked really good and healthy." Said our spy: "Ashley and Lance settled in and within minutes, he was whispering in her ear and she was giggling like a schoolgirl. They totally looked like they were on a date."

And speaking of Owen Wilson, NYDN also reports on his extragenital activities:

Jessica Simpson sure makes a great anti-depressant.

She and Owen Wilson have been spotted on a date in Los Angeles, according to the new issue of Star magazine.

The two dined Sunday at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica before retiring to his Malibu home.

"He couldn't keep his hands off her," a witness tells the mag.

Apparently, sparks flew between the two Texans when they were in Austin on Oct. 16 to appear in a video with Willie Nelson.

Well, they are both known for their love of assplay. We think this one just might work!

ï Britney backed out of Cyndi Lauper's True Colors tour after she found out that "performing" meant "actually singing". "I cain't do that, y'all!" (A Socialite's Life)

ï Like Paris, we love TMZ. Because not only do they post a picture of the reunited Spice Girls, they include a poll asking you to pick the ugliest. Yay! (TMZ)

ï Paris Hilton told Larry King that she's never, ever done drugs. Because weed is a vegetable. (Evil Beet)

ï Hayden Panettiere. She acts, she sings, she licks stuff. (Derek Hail)

ï George Michael refuses to have an HIV test. That is careless, much like his whispers of yore. (RTE)

ï When it comes to celebrities having large bags of silicon-oxygen polymers surgically placed inside their chest cavities, only one can be the victor and bring home the "shittiest implants title". (Cityrag)

ï Megan Fox continues her unstoppable run of lookin'-over-my-shoulder-hey-check-out-my-wikkid-tatz red carpet posery. (Popoholic)

ï Cops + racial statements = hijinks. No, not Mel Gibson . . . Vivica A. Fox! Speaking of terrible breast implants. (TMZ again)

ï MK and Ashley Olsen are at loggerheads over Mary-Kate's mean boyfriend, Max Snow, who Ashley says puts down and mistreats her sister. MK says he often gets nasty, but it always blows over. Snow . . . blow . . . yeah. (FemaleFirst)

ï Larry Birkhead thinks Dannielynn has her mom's pouty lips, long legs and chubby toes. Jury's out on who she takes after in the implant and veneer department, though. (I'm Not Obsessed)

ï Britney stormed out of a photo shoot in a huff, never to return. Turns out they only had honey BBQ pretzel bites, not the buffalo ranch. (Daily Stab)

ï German magician attempts to make Pam Anderson's breast ooze its way out of her bathing suit. (Hollywood Tuna)

ï You know David Hasselhoff's ex-wife must be insanely f'ed up, because he got sole custody of the kids. Yaaaay, it's cheeseburger night! (Star Herpes)

ï An odd fashion choice, even for Ashley Olsen. Perhaps she has joined a harem and is planning on seducing the sheik with her mysterious, semi-sheer, snakelike undulations. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï How Jessica Simpson lost the baby Mayer weight. (IMDb.com)

ï Here are some surprisingly hot pictures of Lindsay Lohan taken by Bryan Adams. Because when you want to sex up your image, where else to turn than a pockmarked Canadian adult contemporary artist? It makes perfect sense. (Egotastic!)

Introducing the new Bond Girls: Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen! One of the producers (who happens to be a female) of Daniel Craigís next James Bond movie is very impressed with Ashley and Mary-Kate and really wants them in the 22nd 007 movie scheduled to start filming in 2008. The Olsens would be the first set of Bond twins. The producer is making the offer as appealing to the girls as possible – there will be no nudity or sex scenes. And the twins will play good girls – not villains. (ERís Goran Visnjic is set to play a villain) The Olsens are seriously considering the offer.

No nudity or sex scenes? We're guessing that's not the least of it. The costumer will approach the twins with four tiny strips of spandex, and while Ashley stands rigid with the pout and doe eyes of a starving orphan, MK will dangle them delicately from her fingers with a look of perplexed disgust and inquire: "What are these?" "They're your costumes. Your bikinis. They're size 00." "No, no darling, we both wear a size ten. We need room for our things. Our Blackberries and our spare 'Buckies and those chihuahuas Bob Saget bought us for our last birthday. This just won't do. Add about six yards of fabric to each one and bring them back."

"Ashley has always thought her nose was a little too big, so she wanted to get it done. When she talked to her sister about it, she loved the idea. They both love changing their looks. They thought this would make them look more polished."

"Hey, Mary-Kate?" "Yes, Ashley?" "I think we need a new look. Let's get major elective surgery." "Great idea, sister dear! I was thinking maybe a new Balenciaga bag would change it up a bit, but having a medical professional permanently alter our faces is a much better option!" And hey, you know what else would make you two look more polished? Not dressing like bindle-toting, canned-bean-eating, nickel-carving, rail-riding hobos. Man, listen to us. We're turning into Andy Rooney.

See more of Janice and her brassiere at Faded Youth.

And Ashley's biz? Check out more at Hollywood Tuna.

Spy Janice's nether drawers at MrSkin.com.